These thoughts are consuming every minute to my day.

Food is always on my mind no matter how hard I try to ignore it.

Exercise is always on my mind no matter how much I tell myself that it'a not helping me.

Calories are always on my mind because I am eatin such an insane amount and I'm scared.

Weight is always on my mind because the scale haunts me every second of everyday.

Jealousy is always on my mind because I see all of these girls who are allowed to be with ED.

Fear is always on my mind because I picture the worst things happening to me.

Disgust is always on my mind because I am constantly reminded by the mirror about how fat I am.

Disappointment is always on my mind because I somehow always do the wrong thing.

Guilt is always on my mind because I am ashamed for fighting ED.

Confusion is always on my mind because I don't know what I want.

Sadness is always on my mind because I see no ending to this hell.

Shame is always on my mind because ED makes me feel worthless.

Curiosity is always on my mind because I wonder if dying would be better than living like this.

Perfection is always on my mind because Mrs. Perfectionist won't shut up.

ED is always on my mind because well, he's ED. He's my conroller.

I guess you could say that I have a lot on my mind?

It's like a cycle of thoughts spinning aimelessly through my head. Over and over and over.

They get faster and faster and then slow down, and then come back even more intense.

There is never a moment of silence, there is always something to think about.

It's draining me; I'm sick of it.

Get me out.

Today has been kind of busy but not really.

I guess it has just gone by fast in a way.

Buty today confused me, and has me thrown off for the rest of the week.

I wish I was home alone by myself like I was for the entire weekend, but I wasn't.

It didn't make a difference, ED was still here like he always is.

I woke up and felt like shit again, surprise surprise.

Bones are fading, muscles are fading, everything is fading.

My fat is taking over my body, and so is ED.

I still tossed and turned all night which is annoying. I can't seem to ever get a break.

I woke up and didn't want to face the day at all.

I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to look at myself, I didn't want to think.

But I had to force myself. I always have to force myelf.

I have no desire to do any of this, I have no desire to embrace this road whatsoever.

I just wish I could be left alone to do whatever I want to do.

But that's not an option just yet, but when it is I will take advantage of it.

I don't know how much longer I can last.

I made myself have breakfast and felt terribly full and guilty afterwards.

The morning went by pretty fast.

My anxiety kicked in when I still feltreally full an hour after breakfast.

That's when ED came in, and he came in full force.

Exercise time.

I find that I am NEEDING TO. If I don't, ED tells me I will get fatter and gain more than I need to.

After that I had snack, and didn't care to measure out anything, meaning I got less than I should have, and I didn't have a part of my snack. I don't need it anyway.

I started planning my meals and snacks for the week and that took me awhile because I made sure I asn't having too many calories in one day so I had to move some things around so I didn't go over X amount.

I'm so scared honestly. I hate that I'm so caught up in this calorie thing again, but I can't stop it. It's so depressing and it's going to keep increasing, but still it's not making me cut back too much on my meal plan. It has a little bit I have to admit, but not as bad as I would think.

The time went by and I ran to Market Basket because I needed something for my breakfast tomorrow.

No, I couldn't move anything around. I HAD to keep it this way.

I came back in time for lunch, EW. Still fucking full as fuck.

Exercised, but not as much as yesterday. I wasn't feeling as fat as yesterday.

Then I had lunch and it wasn't really high calorie so it wasn't as terrible as some others.

I "accidentally" dropped some stuff out of my wrap, and that means I have to leave it on my plate.

ED tells me it's dirty, so I can't touch it, and I don't need it anyway.

I weighed myself before lunch and I was fucking higher than yesterday. Talk about freak out mode.

I don't get it. I'm exercising more, and having a little less food and I'm STILL gaining.

WTF I can't fucking handle it. It needs to stop.

But, it only means I'm that much closer to not having to gain, but I don't want to be at a fucking healthy weight! Fuck that shit. That's absolutely disgusting. I'm ashamed. So ashamed.

After lunch i felt SO FULL. i don't know what's up with that today, and it only made me exercise more.

I finished my meals and snacks and then showered and before I knew it it was stupid snack time.

I felt so terrible after weighing myself again and looking in the mirror so I skimped on my snack a little.

Did I feel guilty a little bit? Yes. Did that change anything? No.

Did I still over exercise? Yes. Do I regret it somewhat? Yes.

I need to stop. It's messing with my weight.

But I can't stop. I need to stay somewhat fit. There is no other option.






I'm extremely annoyed because I was writing this and my computer decided to be a pain in the ass and freeze and it didn't save all of my post and I don't remember what else I wrote so this will have to do. I was hoping it would be fixed by this morning but nope. Great start to the day eh? Already feeling fat. FUCK ME.