Wow I feel like I haven't actually blogged in forever, when really it has been one day.

I was just so caught up with Tumblr yesterday and was too tired and lazy to write out a huge post so I decided not to. I don't even remember how yesterday went, well kind of.

I had family therapy really early and I was pretty anxious about it because I was bringing a list of things that I had wanted to bring up with Dad but was too afraid to do it on my own. I didn't even go over it actually. Hm, some of the stuff we talked about was how depressed I've been and how I need to do things with my time even if I really really don't want to. Bleh. I just have no interest in anything. All I do is sit on my laptop all day or I eat. It's so tiring actually doing nothing, but my thoughts tire me out because they are constantly going through my head. I start volunteering in about two weeks with special needs kids at a summer school program which I'm kind of looking forward to and I'm kind of anxious about it. I guess it will be a distraction for me and I want to be a teacher so it will help me with my major. I think being around kids will be good for me, maybe it will make me appreciate what I do have, and that some people don't have it so well either. So we'll see how that goes I guess. But until then I'm not doing anything. Anyway, then Bonnie flat out asked me how I feel when my Dad says things to me like being critical. I felt really awkward saying how I felt. I was afraid that he would get mad. I have such a hard time being honest with him, but I tried. That was the main subject of the meeting. After that I just came home and waited until I had to have my snack. After that I don't really remember what I did. I had lunch and quickly left so I could go to the store to check my weight. I found that I had gained a fucking lot. I kind of let it affect me and I restricted at snack. I felt like it wouldn't do anything and I don't know if it did. I have kind of gotten in the bad habit of doing some exercise, well I don't know if it is considered exercise or not. I feel really stupid saying this but I dance. I don't know if that even does anything but it makes me feel better. I guess we'll see tomorrow when I weigh myself. I'm kind of nervous to see what it is, but I have to deal with it. I just want this gaining weight crap to be over with! But anyway, after that I drove to Trader Joe's to get my usual groceries and then I was off to therapy. It was actually pretty good this time. We talked about a lot and she seemed to give me a lot of good advice. After that driving home I was for some reason in a better mood. I had my windows down and was blasting music. I don't know if it had anything to do with the fact that I was confident because I did gain weight so my appointment would go okay, but I think that had to do with it. I had really bad body image yesterday though and was really full all day, and I gave in at some moments, but fought at other moments. I came home and had dinner and did pretty well. After that I wasn't feeling so hot body wise, but I tried to stay busy and I was on Tumblr and Facebook and the time went by pretty fast actually. I had my snack and it wasn't too hard but like I said I wasn't feeling good about my body so that always makes it tough. I went to bed, slept pretty good too.

I woke up today feeling pretty confident about my appointment but yet still nervous that I may have fucked it up because I danced and because I restricted a little bit. But I figured even if I lost a little the scale would still show that I gained or at least maintained. It makes me anxious that I don't know what I weigh at the office, but I think it's more than I weigh at home. But we'll see tomorrow when I go. I had my breakfast and was on my laptop until we left to go to Walmart and my appointments. It seemed like something was wrong with my Dad and I am not sure what it was. He made me turn around and go back home and it was just to check the mailbox to make sure there was nothing in there. I was kind of suspicious about that. We got to Walmart, I got my stuff, and was pissed because they didn't have any chocolate Boost so I had to get the vanilla and it's gross. I mean strawberry is way worse, but chocolate is the best. I felt really bad when I was paying because it seemed like so much. I feel so bad for spending so much money on my food, but I really have no other choice. It's either that or starve. I wish I could just starve and buy things like headbands and jewelry but ya I can't do that unfortunately. We drive to my appointment and I had some of my snack. When we left the house this morning I just had this weird feeling that I had forgotten something, and turns out I did. I forgot something extremely important, my smoothie. I started freaking out. If I didn't have it that means my weight would be down and that can't happen. I was trying to stay calm so Dad wouldn't notice but it was hard. I was brainstorming all of the things in my head that I could do. My option was to just use a cup when I am supposed to go to the bathroom and drink water from the faucet but that made me nervous because that would be a really big risk. Then I thought all of a sudden how I could tell Dad I had to go to the bathroom before I went to get on the elevator, and that I would just meet him up there. I did that and I filled up my container that I had my juice in to the amount that my smoothie would have been. But I was still nervous about it. I got nervous that I had too much and that will mess up everything for my next weigh in, but hopefully not. Anyway, I did that and then went up to wait to get weighed. I was really anxious because I would have to pee in a cup again and I am always nervous I am going to explode and pee out everything, but this time she didn't even tell me to pee in a cup, but to make it seem like I don't hide it, I decided to pee in the cup and just say that I figured that I needed to. Then I got weighed, and I was so nervous as she was looking at the scale seeing what it read. I always listen to how she says ""Okay you're all set" and her tone to see if it was a good weigh in or not, and today she didn't sound good so I got really nervous and went back to change really fast and sprinted out the door to go up to my nutrition appointment before they could stop me. I got really nervous they were going to tell me to go back in to talk to Dr. Gupta but they didn't thank God. Then I went into my nutrition appointment and honestly I was dreading it. I mean really, why would I look forward to getting another increase? I am already eating so much and i can't even believe I'm still getting increases. But for some reason I can't just say I am not eating or increasing anymore. I am just too nice and feel bad for being a bitch so I just settle. She really tried to work with me and what I would be most comfortable with, but I would rather not have any increase at all. I told her how I have been doing and she asked about my meal plan and what I'm having. Then she said she thinks that it would be best if we kept doing small increases each week just to not take the risk of me losing weight. It's so annoying. I don't understand why we can't just not increase it one week to see if I still gain or not. My body is in a different place so it might not react the same this time. But she won't do it. I mean I guess it's just making me get to this goal faster and that is what I want, but i wish I didn't have to eat so much. I am eating more than a man. That's disgusting and scary. It's scary that I am eating this much and only gaining at the most 1lb per week. I would've thought I would be gaining like 1lb a day, but I guess my body does really need all of this food. I just wish it didn't need so much! But i just have to deal with it right now like I said, and it will eventually decrease. I'm just scared I'll keep gaining, and that they'll let me keep gaining. But they don't know that i still weigh myself, so I will know if I go over the number or not, and I won't let myself. My nutritionist suggested adding two things, and i gave her this face and I said I didn't know if I could do that. The she said that I didn't have to do what she said and it was really my choice if I were to listen or not. I really didn't think that was the case. I thought I had to absolutely do everything she said and if I didn't I would get in trouble. I guess it is my choice. But I am too scared not to listen. I am trying to trust her but it's hard when ED is telling me that all she is doing is trying to make me fat. We ended up adding a 100 calorie pack of nuts, and i thought I would be able to handle that because it was a low increase, but then I was thinking on the way home about how nuts have a lot of fat and that scared me. I was also thinking about how much my increase was last time calorie wise and I think some days it was more than it is this time and others it was less. I don't know what to do now. I mean i know I should just eat it all instead of having half some days but I'm afraid of what will happen if I do. I'm still afraid I'm going to gain so much, but I still have to gain! So why not just make it quicker? I don;'t know, I feel like it makes things more difficult if I gain to fast because I can feel it and it's overwhelming and then I freak out. But I just need to try my best and whatever happens happens. I am going to just try to do it and suck it up and remember that 100 calories isn't that much and that I've had worse before. So I guess my appointment could have been worse. Luckily I'm not seeing her in person next week, so it's via email and I can actually say some things that I'm thinking and feeling. We'll see how it goes. But after my appointment it was really awkward driving home. It's a 45 minute drive and Dad didn't say anything to me. I didn't know if he was mad at me or something but it made me really uncomfortable. We came home and went out separate ways. I looked in the mirror and felt so huge. I danced a little bit because I was freaking out. Then I made lunch and did kind of terrible, but I always do after my appointments. The fact that I didn't have my smoothie today made my calories even lower so I should have had more at lunch but i just couldn't. I might just have some more juice tonight or something but I don't want to honestly. After lunch I was bored so I looked up some recipes for granola or some muffins, but they had to be oil free and low calorie. Luckily I found a few recipes so I decided to make one of them which was chewy granola bar bites. They came out more like muffins, but whatever I can have them for my snack one day or something next week, but I counted up the calories so now I know how much they are for each one. I froze them and I'll thaw some out when I decided to have them. I think I might make some more stuff tomorrow or this weekend if I'm bored. I like making things but not eating them. They have to be healthy and low cal for me to even go near them, but the fact that they don;t have a nutrition label on them makes me nervous, but i am still counting up everything. So I made those and I think it will be a big step to have one, but i baked something in the past and i had it, so i can do it this time too. After I baked those I was just hanging out with my laptop and it was time for snack so I made that wand had it while watching some TV for awhile and then had dinner and did okay. Could've been worse, could've been better. Today is never a hard day eating and calorie wise because I don't have as much but i hate that I do that because then the next day is so much harder, but i just can;t get out of that habit! Eating has been really hard lately and ED has been so damn loud. The more i fight the louder he gets. He is really really fighting back and it's killing me. I want to just give in and I have been a little bit, but I can't let it get any worse. I need to try not to at least. That way if anything happens with my weight I will be able to truly say that I did everything I could. I'm so nervous to though, I feel so weak for not listening to ED. I WANT to be anorexic, I WANT to be sickly thin, but no one will let me, and I hate it. I hate how my life and I can't do what I want.

I feel like I have been so up and down mentally. I have been really triggered by alot of stuff lately. Both people and things. It's hard to be around all of it and try to manage my ED. Like I said, eating has just been so hard. Some days are harder than others, but they are all somewhat hard. I just am so embarrassed fir eating to much, but really it's not like anyone else besides me knows how much I'm eating so I shouldn't worry about it. Just like no one besides me and Dr. Gupta and Julie know what my weight is, so I shouldn't care so much. I care about numbers so much though. They fucking take over my mind. They make me miserable but I just can't stay away from them! The hardest thing though lately has been body image. ED messes with me so much. I look at myself one second and all I see is fat and I freak out, but then i look at myself like a few hours later and then i don't feel so bad and I can see my muscles and I can see that I look skinny still. I hate how up and down it is. But I always want to be skinnier either way, but nothing will ever be enough which sucks. I will always try to get there though, but there has to be some point where I just accept how I am and what my body looks like. It's so hard to even think of loving myself as a person and dealing with my body how it is. I feel like after this I will never be somewhat satisfied. I feel like I will never be able to think like a normal person, but yet I don't want to be normal. It's so confusing! I wish I didn't care so much what everyone else thinks. I find it even more frustrating that it's the people who shouldn't really matter and their opinions are who I worry about the most. I want those type of people to look at me and think I look sick and skinny, but they shouldn't matter, but those are the people who I worry about most. I guess it's just cause I want to be accepted by everyone, and I already know that the people close to me already accept me. I'm not really sure. I just wish I could be skinny. I feel like I look so normal now and  hate it. I sometimes forget what I looked like when I was 90. I can't believe I have gained so much weight, and honestly I felt like I would look so much bigger than I actually do. That proves that ED is a fucking liar and I need to challenge what he says and find out for myself if they are actually true or not. But I find it so confusing that I am so afraid to gain these last few pounds. You would think that it wouldn't be a big deal since I have gained so much, but I have just been so fed up with it and for some reason I feel like these last few pounds will be the most noticeable even though no one says they will be. I feel like I notice every little thing, and sometimes I even make things up. I hate how my image is distorted, it makes the whole process so much harder. Dad says I look unhealthy still, but I don't believe him. He's a guy and I feel like he has no idea what he is talking about. He said I looked perfect the way I was before I had my ED but I was fucking huge and looked like a man. I never ever want to go back to that. Ugh I just want that dancer body but my body just isn't built like that and I hate it. I will always be fat short and stubby. My bestfriend is tall and thin and I have always wanted to look like that. But I just need to accept the fact that this is how I was meant to be even though it is hard. I want to fucking give up so badly because I am getting so drained and I am getting more depressed the more I fight. I am sick of this. But I have no choice but to keep going. No matter how hard it gets, even though I will mess up at some points, I can't let ED have complete control all of this time. It's so hard, but all I can do is try. I want to be fucking sick so it;s so difficult to try. I am doing this for everyone else, and I'm afraid because I don't know how far that will get me.

Snack is soon and it's not too bad. I'm scared because I feel so fat right now even though I haven' eaten as much as usual today. I'm scared for tomorrow. I am supposed to have my increase tomorrow but since I didn't do my last week increase until Saturday and I was fine, I'm going to do the same thing this time. It will probably just make me more anxious but I can't help it, I just need to do it.

I'm exhausted and I hope I sleep good tonight. A day full of shopping and cleaning tomorrow so hopefully it will go by fast. maybe even some baking, we'll see. I hope I don't feel and look extremely fat tomorrow. I can't look at that fat anymore. But it will never go away. I will never be happy.



I don't really feel like blogging tonight, I'm just exhausted.

Today has been up and down. I had family therapy really early and it was alright I guess.

Other than that all I did was eat and eat and eat.

Then I had therapy and it went pretty well. I feel like she really heard me today.

Body image hasn't been good, but it was worse earlier than it is now.

I checked my weight and I gained .8 but that was a half an hour after I ate lunch so it really might be a little less. It made me depressed. I came home and ran. I just couldn't help it. ED had a tight grip on me at that point. I fucked up but I had dinner.

I have my appointment tomorrow but it's only a weigh in. I'm not too worried because I have mostly done all I can this week with a few slip ups here and there but nothing that big.

I don't want another fucking increase! UGHHHH I'm scared.

I'm going to tell her I just can't gain anymore or eat anymore. It sucks, it's getting harder.

I feel so gross and I knew I gained a lot. But it's just closer to not having to gain, but that means I won't be underweight anymore. And that means supposedly I'll be normal to everyone else.

I'm scared. I am afraid of everyone else's reactions and judgements.

I know I shouldn't care what everyone else thinks but



I'm sick of this.

I want it all to stop. I just can't do it anymore.

I want to give up so so so badly.

I want to give into ED because he is screaming at me.

Everything he says, I believe. I'm so fucking fat.

The scale shows it, the mirror shows it, so clearly I am.

I can't fucking get away from it. I dream about it and when I wake up its all I think about.

I so badly want to cry and kick and scream but I am completely numb.

All I can feel is this fat all over my body. It keeps growing and growing and growing.

Why does this have to be so fucking hard? Why can't I just have the perfect body and eat whatever they want me to, and not get fat? Why can't people just let me fucking deal with this on my own.

No one thinks I can. I probably can't but I don't care.

PEOPLE NEED TO FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE!

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT I WANT TO STARVE I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A FUCKING EMACIATED SKELETON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHh!!!!!

I feel like I am going fucking crazy. I want to fucking kill myself.

I would rather die than deal with this. It's all too fucking hard and I can't do it.

I'm too fucking weak.

I DON'T WANT TO RECOVER AND BE HEALTHY!!!

I am sick of pretending that I want to. I want to just fucking tell everyone that I don't even want to be healthy, and that I'm just gonna end up losing the weight I gain at some point.

I need to. I have no choice. I'm too fucking fat.

I can't believe I weighed as much as I did years ago. Talk about being a fucking whale.

I may not weigh as much now, but I was muscle back then and now I'm pure fat.

I can't wait until I'm approved to exercise so i can get a fucking 8 pack.

I can't stand looking at myself.

I'm sorry I'm so annoying. I'm sorry I'm so caught up in how I look.

But IT'S MY LIFE. This is my life.

I do nothing else. I think about nothing else. I want to be nothing else.

I guess I am kind of causing my own misery for myself.

People say, "Why don't you just change and get your life back? Do you like living like this?"

Uh well, if it was easy then I would have been recovered years ago, and the fact that I don't want to change because this is who I have been makes it a million times harder. I don't LIKE living like this, but I am USED TO living like this. It's all I feel like I know right now. I don't know who I would be without it. Just a fat normal girl. I can't deal with that. I can't be like that.

Skinny is all I care about. If all else fails, at least I will be skinny.

I may not have friends, I may not have family, I may not have anybody, but I will always have ED.

He may be a terrible person to be with but for some reason he still draws me to him.

He continues to say all of these horrible things to me, but it's like I am thankful that he is telling me. I don't want to walk around being fat and disgusting. I need someone to make me aware of that. If anything he has my back. He just tells me how it is. He's just brutally honest, but sometimes he lies.

For some reason I trust him more than my doctor, my nutritionist, my entire team.

ED tells me they are all lying and they are just going to make me fat. I mean, they have made me fat already so clearly ED wasn't lying. They don't give a fuck if I gain weight. Their not the ones who have to gain 20lbs. It's easy for them to tell me to eat all of this and weigh x but I just wish they could understand how painful and hard all of this is. They say they understand but they don't. No one fucking does unless you've gone through it. I wish everyone could understand. But that's clearly unrealistic and just makes my work ten million times harder. Fuck this is all just hard fucking work. Too hard for me. I want to give up.

Today has been fucking hell.

Clearly I'm not too happy. Because today has been so UGHHHHH!

All I have to say is that I really am fat. My muscles really are going away, and I'm driving myself crazy because I have to sit here, continuing to eat all of this, not exercise, and WATCH IT HAPPEN. I'm not going to lie, I gave in a few times today. I just did not give a flying fuck anymore. And I still don't. I feel terrible. I feel so gassy and sick and bloated and NOT HUNGRY. All I want is to have the feeling of an empty stomach. I miss going through packs of gum and crystal light a day because I wouldn't eat anything else. I miss only have fruit and that's it. I am sick of eating all of this disgusting food that is doing no good for my body. Everyone says it's making me healthier, but how is FAT healthy? IT'S NOT!!!!! Ugh I want to cut all of this off of my fucking body. I hate how I counted up my calories and freaked out. I hate how I am starting to restrict more and not give a fuck. I hate how I gave into exercising a little bit today. I hate that I weighed myself and saw that I gained weight and I let it get to me. I hate that I feel and look so fat and different than I did like 5 days ago. I hate that I still have more weight to gain. I hate how 1 lb feels like 5. I hate how no one gets how this feels. I hate how this is all I am thinking and worrying about. I hate that I am almost healthy and at my weight. I hate that I am not giving in. I hate that I wake up everyday. I hate that everything is only getting harder. I hate that I am so fucking ugly. I hate that I want to lose weight and be a bony fuck. I hate how controlling ED is right now. I hate how I believe everything he says. I hate mirrors and the girl I see. I hate my thighs, stomach, arms, everything. I hate how everyone expects me to go back to normal life once I'm weight restored. I hate how no one gets why I don't want to be normal. I hate that I hate so much.

SO yeah. Eating has been hard, I have exercised but not badly, I feel like shit, I don't want to wake up tomorrow, but maybe it will be okay because I won't be as fat. I can't believe I weighed myself and let it get to me. I went into the store telling myself that I needed to gain and I prayed that the scale would be up, but once it actually was, and I saw it with my own eyes, my heart sank and tore in two. I know that I need to gain, but I don't want it to be all fat, and it is. I hate how I am so close to not having to gain anymore, but it seems like it is taking forever. I feel so heavy, and I knew I had gained. I can't believe I still have more to go. I look at my stomach in the mirror and get depressed when I only see a somewhat 4 pack. It's not good enough, I try to tell myself that it;s not normal to have a cut out stomach and that I'm supposed to have curves, but I don't want that. I want everything but that. I'm so sick of worrying about my body. The number matters to me, but it;s more about what I look like and how other people see me. I don';t want them to see a stomach sticking out, or thighs rubbing together. NO.

I wish i could just lose weight or at least stop gaining, but one say I will be able to do that and no one will fucking stop me. I'll be moved out, and alone. It will then be up to me. Thank God.

I'm so anxious after today and I am even more scared to face tomorrow.

I'm afraid that since I exercised a little it will make me lose all of the weight I gained, but I don't think I will. I'll just try to stick to my meal plan tomorrow and not exercise, but after today I doubt that will happen.

I'll start by having snack tonight. But I never have all of it so that won't change.

Fuck. I just want to get out of here. I wish I could make this all go away. The sad thing is, I CAN make everything go away, but I don't want to. That means I will have to work hard, and the work is too hard. I'm not right for recovery. I'm a failure, and I will never get better. Mostly because I will never fully want to. I'm a hopeless case.



I can't stand the person I am, I wish I could just be someone else completely.

I can't stand my body, my existence, nothing. I am a waste. I am a disgrace.

My self esteem has gotten so bad lately. I have so much self hate.

I want to disappear into nothing. I want o be invisible.

It's kind of like I already am though, I hide in my house and don't talk to anyone.

And when I do go out, I am a ball of anxiety. I can't even focus because I am too worried looking around to make sure I don't see anyone I know. But lately whenever I get this feeling that I'm going to see someone, I'm usually right, it's so weird. I always hope they don't see me, and if they do I look away immediately. I walk faster and faster just to get away so I don't have to deal with them.

I don't know when I'll get to a point when I don't mind seeing people.

Maybe when I accept how I look and that people will say things that ED will make me feel like shit about, but I'm definitely not at that point yet. I'm so scared of the comments. Mostly the ones about my appearance. But not many people saw me when I was at my lowest, so maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe people won't have anything to compare me to now. I hope that's the case. But I think people will just see that I can actually walk without looking like a 80 year old woman and my face isn't pale white. I wish people knew everything not to say to me. It would be so much easier, but I still probably wouldn't see people because then the would think I was okay, and I'm not. I actually feel like I'm getting worse mentally. I just have no energy to think positive or really fight ED and challenge myself. I'm doing the bare minimum just to get by. I'm not ready to give this up. Ya I may be eating and not exercising but that doesn't mean I want recovery, that just means I want to stay the fuck out of treatment. That is the only reason why I am still going. The main reason is because they would make me eat scary bad foods in treatment and i wouldn't be able to exercise if I wanted to, and I would be forced to be around skinny triggering girls, and most importantly they would make me gain more weight than I have to now with my regular doctor. Fuck no I am not gaining any more than this. It's brings me comfort to know what my weight is, and in treatment I am forced to go on the scale in a johnny, show that I have no clothes on or weights, and then the staff writes down the number right in front of me making sure I don't see. I remember those dreadful mornings. Waking up early, waiting in line to get weighed, staring at each girl as sh went up analyzing her body, getting my blood pressure and heart rate down, getting so happy when the beeping noise on the machine was going extremely slow. I wanted to be the sickest. I wanted to be the thinnest. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I stayed in my room with the door closed in the dark and slept my nights away, only to wake up and do the same thing all over again. Oh treatment. How I don't miss you whatsoever. I feel bad for the girls there. It's miserable, it's jail. Part of me is jealous because that means their sicker but I'm happy I have my freedom. I don't know what I would do without it. I wouldn't b fighting, that's or sure. I would have given up awhile ago.

Oh how to describe today.

A roller coaster I'd say? Up and down right and left.

I am so confused as to how things can change so quickly. One second I am wanting to bang my head against a wall, and the next second I'm in my car with the windows down, singing Taylor Swift without a care in the world. I seriously feel bi-polar and it's annoying.

I wasn't feeling that great today when I woke up. I was exhausted and groggy because of taking the sleeping pill last night, but I really needed to get some rest and that always helps me.

But most importantly I woke up feeling and looking like I gained 5lbs over night. Seriously.

My stomach looked chunkier and gross. I feel like I couldn't grab my bones as easily as I normally would be able to. It made me so sad. Then I got nervous and tried on my clothes in my closet. My jeans, dresses, everything. I analyzed myself in the mirror. Every part of my body. I fucking hate what I looked like so much and I wish it could just change. But my clothes fit the same and that confuses me. But I look so damn fat. I'm sorry I am so annoying but I can't get the picture of myself and my stomach and thighs. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeh. So anyway I tried on all of those clothes and then made breakfast. It wasn't that bad of a breakfast but I was anxious because it took really long to make. I kind of pushed things around and put some things back. I just don't give a shit anymore. I am mostly doing what I need to. Not exercising is the most important. I swear if I still didn't gain weight I will freak. There is no way I fucking haven't gained. I'm such a fat fuck. I can feel it and I can see it. Not exercising is killing me. I want to give in but I don't know why I haven't. Is it because I'm too scared about what will happen if I do? I think so. Breakfast was hard, I was full, and afterwards I was bored and the time went by so damn slow. Me and Dad didn't talk much but that's normal these days. We say good morning and another few words here and there. It's awkward but he's just given up on me pretty much and I don't blame him. Then as I was about to make snack Dad called someone about his business. I had no idea how long it would take and I tried to be patient, but then I got really anxious and annoyed. I ended up bringing the damn blender into my room. I felt so rushed eating because  needed to finish at a certain time. Mrs. Perfectionist was already yelling at me because I started late, so she was on me about finishing at the right time. After that I watched some TV and then it was time for me to plan my meals for the week. It usually takes me awhile like I always say because I have to add up all of the calories and sometimes switch some things around to make sure my calories aren't too high and it ends up taking more than an hour. It's crazy. Even though I eat the same thing every week I still need o just make sure and add everything up because who knows maybe I added them up wrong before. Like I said it took about an hour and then it was time for lunch and I had it, but not all I let some "fall out" o my wrap so then I couldn't have it. ED always makes me leave those bites and crumbs on my plate. He makes me smear my hummus and tells me to let my black beans fall out and to crush my pita chips into crumbs and only o eat the bigger pieces, and pick all of the salt off of my pretzels. It takes me awhile to eat, but I still eat pretty fast because I don't want anyone to see what I am doing. After I finished my lunch I went to shower really quick and then headed out to Millbury to get Kate a birthday present. I was anxious because since everyone is out of school it was more likely that I could see someone. First I went to Marshalls and I immediately grabbed some shirts in size 0 and 1 praying that I wasn't too fat and that I would fir in them. I pulled up the 0 and it fit, but just right. I put on the 1 and it fit too, but wasn't as fitted to my body. I was disgustingly happy and relieved, but I haven't really gained weight since the last time I tried clothes on and that worries me. I'm going to get so fat and I won't be able to fit into those sizes again after I'm done. Like people have told me it's normal for weight to fluctuate between 5 lbs and clearly they don't have to get new clothes so maybe this will be the same for me. I hope so. If not I will fucking hate myself. After I left there I went over to Target to get her gift and then went into Kohls to see if they had scales but they didn't. I was going to go to Kmart before I went to Millbury but I decided not to because it was in the total opposite direction so I'll just go tomorrow after I go to the bank. I went to Barnes and Noble and looked at a million cookbooks and drooled over everything. I was there for like an hour and a half. I had my snack but not all. I didn't care. I'm too fat for it anyway. I left, came home, and made dinner. I was anxious because I saw that Dad had made dinner ahead of time for him and Denise so I was nervous that he was going to say we would have family dinner, but thank God he didn't. I think they have given up on those. They see that I'm miserable so they have just no even tried anymore. So I cooked my dinner, tore it apart, had things here and there and then threw it away. I don't careeeeeeeeeeee I am way too fat. I really have strong urges to exercise because I can see my stomach muscles going away. I can't stand it. That's the one thing I can't watch fade. I NEED a good stomach. I NEED ONE. No exceptions. Ugh my bod image is just so terrible. I want everything I see to disappear. I want to cut off all of this fat and disgustingness. I wish I could just wake up and have it all gone. I want it to all be a nightmare. Ugh.

Tomorrow I don't have much going on.

Just the norm. Grocery shopping with Dad, bank, blah nothing else.

I'm anxious for tomorrow for some reason. I don't know is Dad is going to go to the grocery store with e, and if he does then I don't know when I'll go to the store to weigh myself. I'm anxious about it. It better fucking be down. If I am, I don't know what I'll do. I am so frustrated. If I feel this fat there is not way I haven't gained. I feel like it has been like 2 lbs but I'm probably fucking wrong like always. Ugh. But anyway I'm scared. I don't have many days until my appointment. I'm scared. It's only a weigh in but it still counts. I'm fucked if it's down. But I'm doing what I should so I shouldn't feel guilty with myself. I hate that I'm doing what I should, or for the most part I'd say. But it seems like no matter what I do it's still never enough, maybe this time it will be. Ugh it's fucking snack time. I fel so gross. This is the last thing I want to dooooooooooooooo. jcnjunfvrurnrevjnefkjnmcvkmwkmerk



I feel like I'm barely hanging on,

the days are getting longer, harder, and they seem more pointless.

I feel like I am wasting my energy eating. I don't even want to wake up or get out o bed anymore. It would be so much easier. I wouldn't have to eat, I wouldn't have to think, I wouldn't have to look in the mirror, I would just sleep all day.

I am exhausted. Not because I do a lot during the day, because clearly I don't.

The thoughts running through my head 24/7 is what is draining me.

I feel so hopeless, and worthless. I feel like such a waste of space.

My negativity and depression causes no one to want to be around me.

Dad and Denise are getting sick of me. They are sick of seeing me everyday only to see that it is another day full of nothing but depression and silence. Nothing but simple one word answers that I mumble out of my mouth. I feel so tired and weak. ED is making me feel like shit or trying to fight him off and what he says.

For the most part I am fighting him, but I have slipped up and that's normal.

Recovery isn't anything that is easy. It is far from it. Challenges and hard work are to be expected.

But I don't want to do the hard work, I want everything to magically change and go away.

But without this is I have nothing else lined up for me. Without this I have nothing.

I don't know what is in store for me in the future, but that fact makes me scared and holds me back. I wish i knew what my life will look like. I wish I knew God's plan.

This is killing me.

Today has been just like yesterday, and maybe even worse.

It was so hard for me to fall asleep last nigh for some reason and it annoyed me.

I felt so tired but m body just wouldn't shut down for the night.

I feel like maybe it was because I was worried so much about waking up. I don't know.

Last night I had my snack and found that I almost finished it all. I ate more than I usually do.

ED told me I fucked up and that I ate too much. For some reason I just kept going.

Therefore, ED made me exercise a little. I was doing so well with the exercise and I blew it last night. It would've been 5 days today but no, now none of that matters. I'm so mad at myself for giving in, but before I knew it I was on my floor doing crunches.I'm so disappointed in myself.

But I still didn't feel like it would change anything, and that I would still wake up fat, and I was right,

I was fucking fatter today. Stomach sticking out more, less stomach muscles, spine wasn't as visible, thighs were closer. It has been terrible to deal with.

I went downstairs to make breakfast and was nervous for Dad and Denise to come down because they would watch me, and that meant I would have to finish. I heard Denise coming downstairs and I ran to the sink to rinse out my yogurt. I still had some oatmeal left smeared all over the sides of my bowl. I was trying to be sneaky, but then Denise decided to sit right next to me and read a magazine. WHHHHHHYYYY. My anxiety instantly kicked in. I tried to slowly pretend I was taking bites, and they were very small. Then she was doing something else that involved a lot of concentration, and then that's when I went to the sink to rinse out my bowl. I had most of it, and the fact that I did made me feel like complete shit. I hate eating. I hate being so full. I would actually say that I hate being fucking pregnant with a food baby. I can't take it anymore. I looked at my disgusting stomach for many minutes and I couldn't stand to look anymore. It's like I wanted something to magically change when I closed my eyes and then opened them again, but that only left me disappointed every time. I tried to just accept that I was so full and I was on Tumblr for awhile then it was time to go to church, but first I had to go to the store to check my weight and see where it was at. I was so anxious because I was afraid of what I would see, I feel like I gained so much. I stepped on it slowly and the number surprised me. It was down 1lb plus .2. HOW? It's so frustrating that I am doing EVERYTHING I need to and my body is going against me. I'm hoping that it was just because it was earlier in the day than the last time I weighed myself, and that maybe my body just hasn't caught up to my increase. I mean really, it has only been one day with my increase, so it will probably be up tomorrow. I just don't get how I could feel so shitty and bigger when the scale tells me differently. How will I will when I actually do gain weight? It scares me to think about. I'm so fat fat fat. I hate how ED is messing with me so much. He's trying to pull me back under his wing by making me feel bad, and he has won some of those battles today, but he has lost some as well. After I left the store I was on my way to church and I went to walk in and there was a sign on the door that said there was no 10am mass, and that there would be an 11 o'clock mass at a different church. I was pissed. Now what was I going to do with my time? I decided to go into a small chapel across the street. I just wanted to sit in some peace and quiet. Last time I went there were two other old ladies there and I felt kind of weird. But this time it was just me so I was a little more comfortable. I sat there for about 15 minutes and then started to get ancy and I thought about what I could do. Hm, go to the cemetery, go home, or go to the grocery store. Which one do you think I chose? Of course the grocery store. I was planning on buying something anyway, but then I decided not to. I walked around and looked at so many things. So many things I can't have. I left after about a half an hour in there and made my way back home. I had snack and actually had all of it. After weighing myself I got scared, and told myself that I just needed to push through it no matter how fat I felt because numbers don't lie. It was so hard but I pushed through. Barely. After that I spent most of my time looking at blogs both on here and Tumblr. It passed the time, but then I decided to go up to my room until lunch to watch some TV. There were some movies on which was good. Then Denise came in my room ad asked if she could sit with m for a little bit. I said sure because of course I always have to be nice. I was honestly annoyed though. I knew she wasn't going to just sit with me, she was going to ask where my head is at and blah blah blah. She didn't say anything for awhile, but then she said she was worried. She said I haven't really been saying much, and that I'm always alone, but she has come to understand that I am comfortable being alone so she just lets me be. But she said she doesn't know if they should push me to interact with them or not. She and Dad are walking on eggshells and don't know what to say or do. I told her that I was fine but she didn't believe me. I'm so bad at hiding how I feel. I told her I'm having a hard time but that is pretty normal for me, I'm always struggling. She left me alone and I finished watching TV and then I went down to make lunch. I was anxious because the would both be downstairs. I heard ED in my head telling me to just restrict a little bit and leave something out, but I didn't. I added what I needed to. I think I picked what I picked because ED told me that it would all fall out anyway, and it actually did. I did kind of bad at lunch. I nit picked at it because I was all alone. Dad and Denise were heading over to her parents house for the afternoon. I didn't feel guilty for messing up, I felt way too shitty at that point. Afterwards I felt so sick and full. I spent some time on Tumblr once again. I find that it distracts me pretty well. Then I decided maybe I would go for a walk to walk off some of the discomfort. I'm not supposed to walk by myself since I compulsively exercise, but I'm fine. I thought I would be. ED was yelling, "Walk fast, walk faster, burn calories, burn calories." I walked and walked and walked. I walked or about 20 minutes I'd say. I still felt really full and uncomfortable though. The fact that snack was only 45 minutes away scared me. I felt like I just ate, and to have more seemed so overwhelming. I looked at myself in the mirror and I only looked fatter. Depression hit. It's all a cycle. But I made my snack and had it despite feeling so badly. After I went to the grocery store to pick up something that I need fr tomorrow. I found myself wandering and I spent a half an hour there. As I as about to go cash out I saw someone I knew. Someone who I was too afraid to see. I didn't know what I was gonna do. I walked fast and looked the other way hoping I wouldn't be seen. Thankfully she didn't see me. I ran out of the store breathing a sigh of relief. I figured Dad and Denise would be home because they said they would be around 5 and it was 5:30 at the time, but when I gt home they weren't. I was happy because no I didn't have to be sneaky for dinner. I made it, had some of it, most of it actually. I looked over my meal plan for some reason afterwards and I had forgotten something. I went to go get it. Guilt set in, but I made myself have it. I knew I needed to.  counted up my calories stupidly earlier in the day and it was a high calorie day. It made me want to restrict, but I knew I couldn't. The fast the weight gain, the faster I won't have to eat this much and go through this. Dinner wasn't that filling luckily, but I still can feel the flab on my body. I've looked at myself in the mirror and nothing has changed. If anything, I have gotten bigger than I was before. I went to different mirrors to see if I looked any skinnier in a different one, but no, I still looked fat. I just cannot escape it. ED is ALWAYS following me.  I just can't take it. Like I said, I just feel so tired. I was practically falling asleep as I was writing this. Seriously, I found myself nodding off. It's probably because I took a sleeping pill and my meds with dinner 3 hours ago. I just need to get some sleep tonight. Bleh. Dad made a fire and Denise asked if I was going to join them. I shrugged my shoulders and said I don't know. I thought she was going to force me, but she said they would be down there if I wanted to come down. No thanks. I feel like they hate me now. I am totally isolating and not talking to them. I bet they are talking about me right now and how I frustrate them so much and how I'm doing so bad. I bet they will bring all of this up in family therapy which we have on Wednesday bright and early, joy. I feel like they will have a lot to say. I just remembered that I was going to bring up some topics that me and Denise came up with to talk to Dad about. Ah I just got so nervous thinking about it. But either way the meeting should be interesting.. I just feel like they have given up trying, and I don't blame them. They are sick of my shit. I'm a hopeless case.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week. Hopefully one that doesn't completely suck.

I can't believe how fast the weekend went by, I'm happy it did because I hate weekends.

Not like I like weeks any more, but it seems like there is just more to do. I don't know.

I think tomorrow I'm going to go to Millbury to get my best friend something for her birthday.

It's on the 4th of July! And it's the big 20. She gave me some ideas because honestly I have run out of ideas, and I feel like I have been so wrapped up in my shit that I don't know her style now, but she told me some stuff she needs, and then I have another idea. I just get so nervous because I feel like my gift will suck. I hate giving bad gifts. It makes me feel like such a failure. I always need to give good gifts, but it's hard when I have such a tight budget, but this is a special occasion so I'll just spend a little more this week.

So anyway that's what I'll be doing tomorrow plus meal planning for the week. Hopefully it will make the day go by fast. We'll see. It's almost time for snack and I am really anxious. I looked in the mirror and I hate what I see. I'm afraid because of how I feel I am going to end up exercising just like last night, but I can't. I have already listened to ED far too much today, and I need to fight for the remaining hours of the night. I can do it. I need to get my weight up, and if I could last 5 days without exercise, then I can do this. I know what it feels like already. I hate the feeling, but I'm dealing with it. I'm scared, I'm so scared. I don't want to get any fucking fatter. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. God just make me skinny.



How is it even possible that my weight is down from 2 days ago?

I increased my MP yesterday so I don't understand.

I think it hasn't caught up yet. I'm doing everything that I possibly can.

I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't work.

I hate that I didn't gain because I feel like I did.

I feel like there is a load of bricks in my stomach. I want this to all be over.

Today will be rough, but I haveto keep keepin' on.

I WANT TO GIVE UP.

RIGHT NOW.

So many thoughts running through my head.

"You're so fat, you need to stop eating, don't follow your meal plan, you need to exercise, look at the fat on your stomach, your thighs are closer, stay in your room all alone, don't talk to anyone, don't tell anyone your struggling, always leave that one bite on your plate, don't eat that it's bad, don't eat anything."

Fuck this. I can't even stand it today. I have found myself going back and forth to the mirror. All of the mirrors in my house to see if I look differently in any of them. No. They are all the same. THEY ALL PROVE I'M FAT. My stomach is bigger today, my thighs are fucking growing, my collar bones are fading. I hate it more than anything. I wish so much that I could change it. Change everything I see in an instant. I want to be pretty, tall, thin, fragile, emaciated, skinny, bony; just perfect. I want to be seen as perfection. Someone that everyone else wants to be. I want to getting second looks from people. It may be for the wrong reasons, but I want to be noticed. I won't even stand a chance in this body. Actually, if anything I will get more than one look because people won't be able to believe how big I am. I'm obese. People will see my fat stomach even under my baggiest clothes, they will see my thighs rubbing almost together. They will be disgusted, as will I. I just never should leave my house. I wouldn't have to worry about any of this. Don't see anyone, don't get judged. Sounds like a plan. I don't need to go to school. I can take online courses. I don't need to meet anyone, I have ED. I don't need to go anywhere, or do anything, I can just keep doing what I have been. What's the point of even trying to change when I already know I will end up back here? At some point. I know for sure. I can't wait for that day when I can just be left alone. To do whatever the hell I want with my life, or no life. Yeah, I'm not living, I'm barely existing right now. But I'm used to it, and so is everyone else. Dad and Denise are used to seeing me depressed everyday doing nothing, people are used to me not talking or responding to them. I wish I wasn't here anymore. I wish I could just pack up all of my things and go away. Somewhere far far away where I can just be myself and do whatever I want. I could be free. I just want to be on my own, but yet still know that people are thinking about me. I still want to feel loved and cared for, without that I would be nothing. I already am nothing.

Today has been a fucking bad day.

Body image is through the roof and I want to fucking jump into the mirror and rip the reflection I see to shreds. I want to cut up that body and throw it away. It's not worth even seeing. It's disgusting, it's embarrassing, it's FAT. I knew this was going to happen. I knew it would hit me all of a sudden. I thought that since I haven't exercised since Tuesday and I've followed my meal plan and I looked the same, that it would stay that way for the most part, until my increase. Well, I was fucking wrong. ED has been on my case all damn day. I woke up, and swore I saw a bigger stomach and thighs, but I tried to tell myself that yesterday was an appointment day which meant it was a really low calorie day, so there was no way I gained weight over night, especially since I hadn't over the past few days. But this morning I looked so fat. Fucking fat failure. I tried to not believe what I saw, but it kept haunting me. ED was whispering in my ear throughout the whole day, and he still is right now, and still will be as soon as my eyes shut. I don't know if he was making me feel bad because today I had to increase my meal plan, but boy did he make me feel like complete shit. He won today. Although I didn't give in and listen to him for the most part as far as exercise, which I am surprised about because I was so close, but as far as eating goes, I restricted a tiny tiny bit in a few places, but still had my increase for dinner. I can't tell you how bad I want to exercise right now, because I already felt like shit before this, and now that I ate even more than I usually do I fucking freaked out. But, I need to wait it out until tomorrow morning, and if there is damage and I am clearly even fatter then exercise might have to make an appearance. I just have no choice. I can't feel like this anymore. But then, I think about my appointment and how I NEED to gain this week. I need to give Dr. Gupta some reassurance that I don't need more help, and that I can do this. I hate how scared I am of her. I wish I had some dumb doctor who didn't know shit about eating disorders so i could get away with shit. But no, I got stuck with one of the best doctors in Worcester County. Just my luck. Part of me knows that that is a really good thing to have such a great doctor, and that she is only trying to make me healthy and save my life, but all ED tells me is that she is the enemy, and she is just trying to make me fat. I tell her how scared I get about gaining these last few pounds, and she tells me that's nothing. I hate when people say that. WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING WEAR MY SHOES AND SEE IF YOU STILL FEEL THAT WAY. Urgggggggggggh! I just wish people could get it. I wish people could see my body through my eyes, and could feel what i feel and hear what I hear. I wouldn't feel as crazy and alone. It's almost like people think I'm making it up for attention or something. That is a lot of crazy shit to make up. I don't have the time for that. ED is as crazy as I say he is. He's such a fucking terrible person and has made my life a living hell today. So why do I still want to be with him? Why can't I just kick him to the curb and get my life back? Because I still want him. I still feel like there's is a spot for him in my heart. He has become such a part of me, and to be without him would just be so weird and not normal. A life without him makes me feel naked, it makes me feel out of place. I know that's not a good thing that I rely on ED so much. He usually lies to me, but i still listen. My friends and family tell me other things, and I know deep down they wouldn't lie to me because they love me, but I still don't believe them over ED. He just always seems right. Today he hasn't been nice to me though. He hasn't said one nice thing. He has constantly called me fat, and told me that I should just give up. He told me I needed to go to the store and weigh myself, and he told me that I need to do everything that I shouldn't. It's hard not to listen to him when I feel so crappy. He is the only one who gets it, so it makes me feel not as alone, and then he pulls me in under his wing and I can't get out. I've been trying to make my way out today but it has been by the skin of my teeth. Eating has been so hard. Breakfast was hard, and I restricted. ED told me it was a high calorie day so it would be okay to cut out one thing, so I believed him. Then for snack I didn't finish it all, I picked at it here and there, and then threw it away. Lunch I had most of, but didn't finish that last bite. Snack I finished, but barely because I felt so sick to my stomach, dinner I picked at, but did okay I guess, and now I have snack again soon, and who knows how that will go. I feel so guilty about it, but the other side of the guilt is overruling that side. I feel so much more guilt for eating what I did manage to eat, and not exercising. I want to be skinnier, I want to have that empty feeling in my stomach, I want to chew a million pieces of gum and drink loads of Crystal Light, I want to run and run and run until my legs give out. I want to fucking go back to when I was at school doing all of those things. I hate myself for confessing that night. I hate how I got so scared that out of no where I said I had an eating disorder. I wonder how long I could've gone without people intervening. People said they had there suspicions, but I hid them well. I wish i didn't say anything. But I did and now I am dealing with this crap. Now people have a better eye on me and won't leave me alone. Although I don't feel as watched this weekend. I think it's because they can see that I haven't been exercising. I think they knew that I was, and I knew they would pick up on it at some point. Somehow they always do. Part of me likes not having to be sneaky and compulsive and exercise in my room. I wonder if the exercise even did anything. I wonder if I was just wasting my time and energy doing something that wouldn't even make a difference. ED tells me that anything is better than nothing. He tells me that doing one crunch is better than doing none, because maybe that one crunch would make me not gain as much fat, and we all know fat is the last thing I want. But now that I'm doing nothing, he is yelling; screaming at me to do at least something. I can feel the flab forming over my muscles. I can see myself getting wider and wider. I hate being big, I just want to be small small small. And today I just feel like a huge cow. If I feel this way tomorrow I honestly don't know if i can keep not exercising. I might have to do SOMETHING. Just to shut up ED a tiny bit. I don't think it would make a difference since I increased my meal plan. I am so freaked out because I stupidly counted up my calories with my increase today. SO FUCKING HIGH. I want to cry and scream and have a tantrum. I hate how much I have to eat. I hate how much food my body fucking needs. I'm a greedy pig for eating so much shit that I don't even need. I don't understand how I'm eating so much and I'm not even fatter. I'm eating more than a fucking man, although not as much as Michael Phelps. 10,000 calories? Ya I guess it could be a lot worse. I better not ever get there. There is no way in hell that is even possible. But still, for a women, the amount I'm eating is not normal, but like my nutritionist has told me a million times, I starved my body for 2 years, and it needs all of this food to get back to a somewhat healthy state. I hate how much I fucked it up. I hate that I am putting myself through this pain of gaining weight. I just want it to all be over with. Why is is so hard? Bleeeeeeeeeeh.

Like I said meals have sucked today, and honestly I'm so nervous for tomorrow.

The calories are freaking me out, and I know I'm going to restrict so I don't get over X.

I know that's bad but ughhhhh I feel like I need to. But yet the other part of me knows that if I do that then it will just prevent me from gaining weight, but i don't want to gain the weight, but I have to! AAAAAAAAAAAH. I have no choice and I hate that. I hate that even though I am clearly eating enough I still have to gain more weight. I hate that I am basically there but they are making me get to an exact number. It's so annoying! AND it's more than my minimum weight for my height. My doctor is a fucking liar. It's way too high. I better be able to stay that weight forever. I am never gaining ever again. It's MY body. And I'll do what I want with it. So tomorrow will yet be another hard day. I am going to church in the morning and will probably stop at the store before to weigh myself. It probably won't be much different since I just weighed myself yesterday, but yet it changed last week in that amount of time, so who knows. Plus I had my increase today but I think it would need more time to actually change it. And last week the scale said I gained .2 and then later in the week I was fucking back down to where I started! My body confuses me. I have a feeling that my body kind of freaks out the few days after I have my increase and it gains weight fast, but it's mostly water weight, and then it settles to a certain number, but it's frustrating because it tricks me! But if I do what I should this week, then my body should react to that and it should gain at least 1lb which is a normal amount. I'm not exactly sure what I weigh at the office, but I think it may be a pound more or so, so based on that I think I only have about 3lbs to go. People say it won't even be noticeable because normal people's weight fluctuates between a range of 5lbs but to me I feel like it will be so different since my body is fucked up, and since I notice EVERY LITTLE THING. I'm scared because I feel so fat right now, and I probably didn't even gain any weight. How the fuck will I feel when I actually do? I'm so scared. I wish I could look into a crystal ball just to see if everything will be okay or not. I try to believe that everything happens for a reason and that in the end everything will be okay, but it's hard to believe that when I don't really know. It's hard for me to trust anything right now. My body, my team, myself. It's just so fucking hard right now. Eating is harder, the voices are louder, the body image is worse. Ugh. I hate this. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a new day and maybe it won't be as bad and that my body just feel this way today because I ate a lot more than yesterday, but I'm scared that that isn't the case, and that i will feel this way again tomorrow. I just want to feel okay. I want to feel skinny. That's all I want, and I can never get it.

I have been on this computer all day long. Seriously.

I ended up making a Tumblr which is basically another blog but it's more for short posts like pictures and small talk. There is a big community and you can choose to follow people just like on here. You can re-blog things from other people too. There are just a lot of other people out there that are going through the same thing as me, so it feels good to find those people and have support even if i don't know them. You don't need to know someone in person to connect with them. I feel so dumb though because it's really confusing and I can't figure some stuff out. That's the perfectionist part of me coming out, and its annoying. But i guess I'm getting the hang of it. But there are a lot of thinspo tumblr's out there too and I can easily get caught up in them. I wouldn't say I'm pro-ana, but i wouldn't say I'm 100% recovery either. I guess I'm in the ambivalent stage, and i think a lot of people are. One second I will post something that says "Don't give up!" then the next second I will post a picture of a girl with stick thin legs and a flat stomach, but that's just me. It's just another space for me to get things out but in a shorter way I guess. I feel so stupid because I only have like 2 followers and no one asks me anything so I feel dumb, but I guess that doesn't really matter, the blog is for ME not other people. I guess I'm still afraid of being judged. I don't know, that's how I always am. So I've been busy with that all day basically and then the normal shit of eating a million different things. What else is new. I'm just kind of blah right now. I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want, I don't know where I'll end up, I'm just hoping its not as bad as I think. I'm trying to just tell myself to keep going, because going backwards will do nothing for me, and I will have to eventually make my way back up the mountain again at some point. I just need to keep going and get the hard work over with. But the scary thing is, that I kind of expect to be done gaining and then have the hard work be over with, but the hard work just gets even harder at that point. I feel so weak right now, I don't know how I'll be able to make it through any more. But I just need to fucking suck it up. I need to tell ED to fuck off and stop telling me lies. Or, I need to hear them but not acknowledge them. It's just so hard to tune ED out when he is so hard to quiet down. He's always there; sometimes yelling, sometimes being sneaky and nice, either way he is there, and I hate him for being there. I'm trying to not listen to him when he says my stomach looks bigger, or that I'm bad because i followed my meal plan, or because I'm X on the scale. I'm trying to tell myself that numbers don't matter, it's what is inside that matters, but society isn't like that these days and that is what makes recovery so hard. We are told that size doesn't matter, but then we see magazine covers with celebrities who are stick thin and have articles about how to get their body by following their special diet. It's everywhere. I try not to get caught up in it, but it's inescapable. I try to tell myself that the photos are photo shopped and there is no way anyone can be that skinny, but it looks so damn real! And it makes me want to look that way, it makes me look up to them. I don't really have a specific celebrity I look up to, but I would say i would want to look like a Victoria's Secret model. They are all so fucking thin and tall and perfect. But yet they have thighs that touch, but they're still beautiful. I guess they aren't the most unhealthy of the models, but some of them aren't healthy. Still, I want to be them. But yet, I can't be, and I need to deal with what I have. I need to accept that this is how my body is. I need to trust God that this is how I should look. I need to trust that I am beautiful just the way I am. But I fucking hate myself . I want to change every single part of me. I want to be someone totally different. I wish i could re-create myself. I would love that. I would be so much happier.

Snack is fucking soon.

Dad and Denise keep pestering me about going out to the fire to sit with them.

Fuck no I don't want to be around anyone right now, not while I feel so bad,

I'll just go up to my room and sit there alone thank you very much.

Denise says she is worried, but why? I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm not fucking starving but I wish I was. I wish they were worried because I was too thin, but now they have nothing to worry about. I'm fucking okay in their eyes as far as looks. Dad says I still look way too thin, but he's lying. He doesn't know what thin is. He said how I was before was healthy, but that was so fucking fat. He has no idea. He would rather me get fat than be too thin, but that will never happen. EVER.

But they haven't really been bothering me much this weekend, they were busy doing their own thing and i was busy doing mine. Denise won't be home for a few hours tomorrow because she's going over to her mom's pool. She said i could come. I laughed to myself. Me, pool, people? HA. Ya right. I'll just sit here, eat, type, and watch TV. Oh and look at myself. Cause I'm such a selfish fucking person. I can't stand who I have become, but yet I can't change it. It's engraved in me.

I'm really anxious about snack. I just looked at my stomach and it looks bigger already.

I want to exercise and exercise and exercise, but I can't.

Ugh I wish I could just do SOMETHING. I'm too fat.

I'm about to go look at myself, and I will most likely be disappointed.

I'm so dumb. But ED is in control right now, and there is no way I can change that.

I'mfatI'mfatI'mfatI'mfat.

Already not feeling too great today,

It's going to be a loooong day.

I can't stop thinking and worrying about my increase.

I'm scared, I want to exercise, I don't want to deal with this.

But that's the only choice I have.

I. just. need. to. do. it.

Easier said than done..





An eating disorder is not usually a phase, and it is not necessarily indicative of madness. It is quite maddening, granted, not only for the loved ones of the eating disordered person, but also for the person herself. It is, at the most basic level, a bundle of contradictions: a desire for power that strips you of all power. A gesture of strength that divests you of strength. A wish to prove that you need nothing, that you have no human hungers, which turns on itself and becomes a searing need for the hunger itself. It is an attempt to find an identity, but ultimately it strips you of any sense of yourself, save the sorry identity of “sick”. It is a grotesque mockery of cultural standards of beauty that ends up mocking no one more than you. It is a protest against cultural stereotypes of women that in the end makes you seem the weakest, the most needy and neurotic of all women. It is the thing you believe is keeping you safe, alive, contained - and in the end, of course, you find it is doing quite the opposite. These contradictions begin to split a person in two. Body and mind fall apart from each other, and it is in this fissure that an eating disorder may flourish, in the silence that surrounds this confusion that an eating disorder may fester and thrive.

“Wasted” by Marya Hornbacher



Some way some how ED always finds a way to get to me.

I could be having an okay day and then BAM shit hits the fan out of nowhere.

He is so sneaky, and I hate it.

You would think that I would know when he is trying to manipulate me, but I still fall for his tricks.

I don't know why and I don't know how. He just has me under this spell.

I feel like one moment I can pull myself out, but then I just end up right back where I was.

I'm such a stupid fuck. I clearly haven't learned anything.

Like looking in the mirror for example, or stepping on the scale.

I know that no matter what it will make me feel like shit, but I still choose to do it anyway.

I'm basically setting myself up to fail. Well, ED is setting me up.

I feel like it's a game for him, and he loves playing until he wins.

I feel like I'm whipped or something. I don't know. Like I've said before, it's like I have a bad boyfriend who abuses me, and I'm too afraid to break up with him because of how he will react.

I don't know if I'll ever get the courage to just walk away one day; I think it will happen with baby steps. Better that it's baby steps than no steps at all I guess. I am trying to get him out of my life, but not for me, for everyone else. I just want people to be off my back. But even if I do get a little better I feel like people will always be watching out for signs, and that annoys me. Like I said, it's my life and if I want to eat 100 calories a day and exercise, then I will. But then I feel like there would be an intervention. There is a show on A&E called Intervention and there was an episode about someone with an eating disorder, and their family set her up and told her she needed to get help. I would hate to be that girl. I hope that never happens to me. Hopefully I'll just move away somewhere where no one knows what has been going on with me so they will have no clue. I wish I could just move out now. I would if I had the money, but I don't clearly. But soon I want to. It's definitely a goal. For now I'm stuck in this house with Dad and Denise to watch my every move. But hey it's better than treatment, and that's all that matters.

Today has actually been an okay day for me.

I woke up feeling hopeful, or tried to make myself feel that way.

I felt and saw my bones and muscles and that instantly put me in a better mood.

But I was worried that since I still could see them that maybe I lost weight, and that's when I got nervous.

But I told myself that I have followed my MP and I have stopped exercise so I shouldn't have lost.

I woke up, watched Boy Meets World aka the best morning show ever, and then went down to make breakfast. I started making it and Dad was in the other room and he didn't even say Good morning. He usually does but I feel like he doesn't feel appreciated because I never say it first. I read my horoscope like I always do in the paper, and Dad had already read it and it was a really good one. It was about letting go and taking control. He even wrote in the paper "Time to be strong!" He's so cute. Then I went to read a horoscope book that we have and for today it said that today I will be positive and I will see appreciation for what I have and I thought that was good, so that instantly made me in a better mood. Not as depressed, bot thinking so much about my body. I made my normal breakfast, and had it while I looked over the sales paper and my laptop. Then it was time to leave and we stopped at Walmart like usual. I was really anxious because I wanted to weigh myself to see if I had gained or lost but I knew it was risky because at any moment Dad could walk past the aisle and see me and that would be fucking bad. But I went for it, and scanned the aisles around me first. I put down one scale and it didn't fucking work and the other were too hard to get out of the boxes. I freaked out because now I didn't know what to expect for my appointment. I started to walk past the aisles and I looked around the corner and saw Dad. He was only like 2 aisles down from me! My heart dropped and I ran away. Thank God he didn't see me. I would've been dead. So I just walked away and just tried to let go of the anxiety about not being able to weigh myself. I needed to just have hope and faith that it would all work out. And really, even if i did weigh myself it wouldn't have changed anything. I wouldn't have been able to change it in that instant. Well, I could've if i ate every single thing in Walmart but that's not my thing clearly. SO I just went on my merry way and got all of my normal groceries. They still don't have my pumpkin! :( makes me so sad because I love that stuff, but i have found a replacement. I think they don't have it anymore because it's a seasonal thing. I picked up something new to try but it was a safe food which was okay and ED said it was okay so i got it. I always feel guilty for buying something that isn't on my list. I'm so afraid of spending too much money and wasting it, but really, I'm not wasting it, because I'll be eating it anyway. I wish I didn't have to eat it, but I do. Bleh. We left and i slowly had my snack in the car. Did a little better than I usually do, but all of a sudden we were almost there and I hadn't had any of my juice yet so I had to chug that and then have my smoothie as I was walking in. I was going to try to not chug it right before this time, but i had to. I got too nervous. I was waiting in the waiting area and was saying all of my prayers like I always do and then I got called. All I could think about was the going to the bathroom issue. I didn't know if they were going to make me pee in a cup again, but they did. I think they have to ask everyone to do that now, so i don't think it's just me. I peed a little, maybe even a little more than last time, but then I had to drink from the faucet :( I wish I didn't have to but I did last time so I had to again. I hate how I fucking did that. I got weighed and from how the nurse sounded I thought my weight was alright. I waited in the room for Dr. Gupta and she took forever! It made me so nervous. I actually dozed off a little and then she knocked and came in. I never know what to expect with her because she acts the same way every single time she comes in the room. I won her over with my headband and she said she loved it. So now I wear one every time for her so maybe she'll be nicer to me ha She proceeded to ask me how everything has been going, and I told her how crazy it's been and about the whole scale thing. She said she looked back on my chart for the past 6 weeks or so and could tell that I might have been weighing myself because my weight was kind of staying in the same spot. I told her I have been weighing myself for a few months but I really have been ever since I got out of CEDC or shortly after that. She told me that the team has been communicating and she has been getting a lot of emails. That made me nervous because I wondered if Lindsay has said anything to her about the conversation she had with Dad, but Dr. Gupta didn't mention anything so I was relieved. She told me that the rest of the team had been kind of worried since I have been having a hard time, but she said that she and Julie think I'm doing okay. She said that unlike everyone else on the team they have seen me at my lowest and that compared to now is totally different. I was happy to hear that she thinks I'm doing okay. We didn't talk for long, and I was surprised because she didn't mention anything about my weight, and she at least usually always says something. She just said she thinks that I have been restricting a little bit, and that kind of lead me to believe that maybe I lost. I told her last week I was having a hard time, but this week I have followed my meal plan, but I didn't say anything about the exercise. It didn't seem like she believed me, but I told her that i wouldn't lie. I think she trusts me. Then I left and thankfully I didn't have an appointment with Julie so we could just go home. Dad asked how everything went and I said it seemed like it was okay and she didn't say anything about my weight. He seemed relieved, as was I. On the way home he said he was happy that it seemed like I was a little better today, and he just talked to me the whole way home. But it was different, it wasn't yelling or lecturing it was just him kind of talking which wasn't so bad. We got home, and I made lunch and kind of did bad, but I always do on the days of my appointment but i guess it could have been worse. I looked at myself in the mirror and still saw muscle and it was okay. I could breathe. After lunch I finished up some cleaning around the house and then I went to the store to get a few things. Before I went I went to another store where I weigh myself because I wanted to see where i was at. I stepped on and it was the same exact weight that I was last week at this time. I was shocked. I thought to myself, "That must be wrong. There is no way I am eating this much and not exercising and I didn't gain anything." Part of me was happy that the number wasn't higher, but then I got depressed because that now explained why I wasn't feeling that bad about my body. I thought I had gained so i was relieved that it hadn't changed that much, when in reality it didn't change at all to begin with. I'm scared now. I'm scared that I will really look a lot different once I do gain. I hate how I feel like I've gained but I haven't. I hate how I make all of these things up, it's so annoying. Now I'm scared for this week. I hope it doesn't hit me all at once, that now all of a sudden I blow up. I feel that will make me do terrible. I won't know how to deal with it if it all comes crashing down on me out of no where. If the weight comes on, I want it to be slowly. I want this to all be over with but I'm scared. I'm kind of glad I have not been exercising, and I have seen that the world hasn't ended since I have stopped because that makes it a little easier to handle now. It makes me trust my body a little more. Even though I feel like it is fucking with me because I still don't understand how I didn't gain! Whatever. I bet I will this week. EW. But anyway, I was in and out of the store quick and then went to the grocery store. I was walking around and I always get this feeling sometimes when I know I am going to run into someone and I have been right every time! It's so weird. But it could've been worse today. It was just a mom from the gym I used to cheer/coach at but she knows me pretty well. I saw her and she said hi and I said hi back but we didn't even stop to talk to each other. I basically ran away because I was so nervous. ED yelled at me because I smiled and tried to look normal. He told me I needed to look sick and like I was hurting. He told me that after seeing me she thinks I look so much better, and that now she was going to tell everyone else that. I'm not going to lie, I'm afraid she did think that. Then I felt like a complete idiot because i knocked down a million boxes off a shelf as I walked by and everyone stared at me. I picked everything up and one of the workers really appreciated it. I couldn't imagine just knocking something down and walking away. That is so mean and rude! I proceeded to get my stuff and then saw that mom again and saw one of her nieces who cheers at the gym and she knows who I am, but i just started walking really fast and looked away. I ran to get the last of my stuff and then I was out. I could take a deep breathe now. I went home and it was time for snack already. I wasn't feeling that terrible so it was whatever. But as I was making it the fucking glass got stuck in the blender and I could not get it out. Ya, I may be weak but I still have some muscle on me. Dad tried to pull it out and he couldn't even do it. I was scared he was going to scream at me for messing up, but he didn't and he eventually got it out thank God. My snack was a lot later because of it but i tried not to freak, but I ate it really fast, and it didn't make em feel too good afterwards. I tried to distract and watched Say Yes to the Dress until dinner. I was really frustrated and upset because I was talking to someone who was basically telling me to change and that I was choosing to be this way. That makes me SO ANGRY when people say that I chose to be this way. I DIDN'T CHOOSE TO HAVE AN EATING DISORDER! People think that this is my life and I am in control of it so i should be able to get out of this easily, but ED is the one in control right now. If it were easy to get rid of this no one would have an eating disorder! There would be no treatment centers! Clearly it's not that simple! That makes me so fucking mad. People don't get it, but I shouldn't expect them to. But at least listen to me and don't completely write me off and make me feel like shit. You should be glad I even answered you in the first place. I'm sorry it just made me really mad, and I'll get over it.

I told Dad and I think he appreciated that I actually opened up to him. He said to not let it get me down. He gave me a kiss goodbye and then he was off to go play cards with some friends. I was home alone. I thought to myself about how last week I would be running in the basement, and i thought it was crazy how i didn't even have the thought to do that this time. I didn't even have the urge to exercise. It's so weird. But it's kind of a relief not having to hide it and worry about it. As is the scale. It's kind of like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I made my dinner kind of late and it made me anxious. I didn't want Denise to be home when i was eating because I feel like she watches me more and that makes me anxious. So I ate it as fast as I could and she didn't come home until after thank God. Dinner didn't really make me feel full which was a relief. I have been texting a girl who I cheered with for the last few years and we were really close. She was basically my little sister and she said she just missed me a lot today. I decided to text her back because I feel bad sometimes if I don't. We talked for awhile and I'm happy it made her happy. I miss her a lot just like she misses me. I want her to know I will always be here for her. 

Oh I forgot to mention that I was supposed to email Julie my nutritionist today to talk about my meal plan since I wasn't actually meeting with her in person, and ED told me to just wait for her to email me first because most likely she would forget and then I wouldn't have an increase, but then I decided to because of the fact that I hadn't gained this week, and usually if i don't increase my meal plan I will lose, so I thought the best idea would be to email her. I asked if she has talked to Dr. Gupta and she said yes and that I needed to increase my meal plan which I expected. But she increased two things which i didn't expect. It mad me really nervous. It seemed like so fucking much. I told her that I didn't know if I could do that, and I asked to just have more juice or something. I was honestly just making sure the calories weren't too high. She said she was fine with the juice thing but then I thought to myself how that would be really hard for me to do because liquids make me feel like shit, so I opted for her suggestion. It is basically the same amount of an increase calorie wise that I have been getting the past few weeks, so it was alright. Even though for some reason food vs liquid scares me more but it shouldn't. Calories are calories after all. But fuck calories. They suck and I hate them with a passion. But I have to get over it because I have to increase my meal plan no matter what. I just need to do what I'm supposed to and that's all I can do, and we'll see how my body reacts. I hope I don't gain a lot, but I am so nervous and scared about it. Like i said, I want to gain so I'll be okay for my appointments but I hate seeing that fucking number going up. I think I only have about 3lbs to go or so and I'm so mad because after today it would only be one more week for me to gain weight, but since I haven't really been gaining, now it's pushed back even more! I knew that would happen. I hate when i get my heart set on a date and it doesn't work out. It's so annoying and such a let down, but I need to keep pushing so it doesn't get even loooonger. I'll go crazy. But i don't know what's worse; gaining weight, or waiting. Blehh. I hate anything having to do with weight! Hate it! But I just need to suck it up. I need to start moving up or Dr. Gupta is going to get really impatient. She's happy that I'm not losing, but she wants to see me gain, not stay the same. But why can't I?! AHHHH It sucks. I don't need to gain anymore. I look fucking normal! I don't look skinny or anorexic anymore and it's killing me. IT'S ALL I WANT! Ugh. Like I said, I'm just so scared of the upcoming weeks and the whole gaining weight thing. I really really hope that it won't be that noticeable to me, but really, that's unlikely. I thought I gained this week and could've sworn that my thigh gap got smaller but I stayed the same and didn't gain! It's so frustrating :( So now I'm super scared. I'm not sure what days I'm going to weigh myself this week. I'm thinking maybe Sunday before church, then Monday after running errands, and then Wednesday before or after therapy. I know i shouldn't but I just need to see if I'm doing the right thing. Or maybe I'll just go 2 days instead of 3 because in all honesty, if I am doing what I need to do then I shouldn't be worried. But I still have to know. I'm too anxious. I'm afraid that one of these times one of the employees with say something to me when they see me pulling the scale out of the box. I get so nervous every time and i get nervous that the same people work all of the time so they see me come in often. But i don't care, I need to do it! I'm craaazy. I wish i weren't so obsessive about it. I've also started counting calories again and I hate it. I'm now more anxious because it has increased 100 more calories and I am getting closer and closer to X but I hope I never get there. That will make me SO FAT. I would be ashamed if I had to eat that much. I'm ashamed now, but that would be the worst. EW. Food.

But anyway bottom line is, I'm scared as fuck for my increase tomorrow because it's one of my higher calorie days but I need to just suck it up and get through it. Needs to happen at some point right? It would be worse to keep putting it off and putting it off. So it's now or never. I wish it was never!

The fact that I had my appointment today screwed with my head because now I keep thinking it's Thursday when it's really Friday. I don't like that. Tomorrow starts the weekend and like we all know I HATE THE WEEKENDS!!!! 1. There is nothing on TV, 2. More people are around 3. I'm most anxious at these times and more bored. I hate them! I know I'm just going to be sitting around all day and then Denise is going to ask me if there is anything I want to do. I always say "like what?" And she says whatever you want or feel like doing. It gets me so mad because there is nothing that I want to do! I have no interest in anything anymore! There is nothing that i look forward to! If I wasn't so dumb and retarded I could be going to the Taylor Swift concert tomorrow but no, I'm a fuck head and too scared to see people. I love Taylor so much,. She is my idol. Girls in treatment said I looked like her! There is no way, she is beyond beautiful. It's crazy that this time last year I was at one of her concerts. Actually it's the same one she has this weekend. It's crazy to think that it was a year ago, and I'm surprised I actually went. Speaking of her I really want to get a tattoo of one of her lyrics. It's "Today is never too late to be brand new." I think that's really relatable for me, and I think it would be cool, but I don't know it that's stupid or not. Maybe for my birthday? I don't know.  But anyway, yeah nothing planned right now except church on Sunday. Lindsay was booked tomorrow with appointments so I couldn't see her, but I didn't mind really because I hate driving out there. So instead I will be stuck home watching the Food Network. How exciting. Bleh.

It's almost time for snack soon and I'm not really feeling it.

ED has crept in and told me that I am fat, and i actually do feel fat all of a sudden.

I'm scared for tomorrow, and he is making me really anxious.

I'm afraid that I am going to cut something out because I am so nervous for my increase.

But id I do, then i still need to just keep going. I'm not perfect.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Fuck increases, fuck weight, fuck food, fuck fuck fuck.

I hate this.

Can't I just sleep forever? Please?