Today has been a looong day, but it went by way too fast. Woke up at the crack of dawn like always and headed out to Epcot to be there for 9. I was kind of stressed out because I had to bring a lot of my food with me and I hate eating in public. I was so uncomfortable today. Everywhere I looked there was food. It seemed like every time I looked at someone they had french fries or ice cream or some sweet. I saw kids everywhere eating so much crap, and I could just remember when I used to be that way. When I could eat stuff that I wanted, and that I actually loved, like ice cream and french fries and chicken fingers, and I wouldn't be thinking about all of the calories in it, or wondering if it would make me gain weight or not. All of the food around was haunting me, it was basically saying eat me eat me, but I just can't. ED was screaming when he saw all of that food, he told me that I'm eating so much healthier than everyone else, and that I should be proud. He whispered in my ear about how many calories that ice cream that a woman was having had in it, or how fattening the cheeseburger and fries that my Dad and Denise were having. While I sat there with my little wrap, that was a lot healthier. I wouldn't eat it if it wasn't healthy. I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to eat things like that again. I can't picture myself eating an ice cream sundae and not having to exercise because of it, and I can't see myself going out to eat and getting something that I actually enjoy vs. the healthiest option on the menu. It seems impossible. Part of me doesn't even want to face it or be around it. It's scary. But I have to admit that it did make me feel better about myself that I wasn't having all of that crap. It made me feel like I was better at something and controlling myself. That I was more disciplined or something. I hate saying that, but it's what ED told me, and it made me feel better.

We went on rides, and one in particular I was questioning if I should go on it or not. A man had previously died on it because he had heart problems and couldn't handle it. I could only picture myself having a heart attack sitting right next to my Dad while on the ride. I was honestly scared to death. Seeing as my heart isn't doing well, I didn't know if it was the best idea to go or not. I stood there waiting and literally prayed to God that nothing would happen. My Dad told me afterwards that he was really scared for me. He kept asking me if I really wanted to go on or not, and I would see little girls and boys going on it so I said "Well if they can go on it, so can I. And I've been on it before." But he said that their hearts are probably ten times stronger than mine is, and when I did go on it last time, my heart wasn't at a high risk of stopping. It was a risk to go on, but I decided to and it was okay. I'm not going to lie, at one point I thought it was all over. I felt so dizzy and felt like I was losing my breath, but luckily it went away. I wonder what would've happened if I did have a heart attack. Guess it's better that it didn't.

We went on a few other rides, and walked around to the different countries, and that's always interesting I guess. It was really hard for me to focus today; all I was thinking about was how I looked in the mirror this morning and saw that I definitely looked different. I wanted to cry and scream and not eat anything today. But I just numbed out everything and became a robot. I just forced myself through the pain, because I really had no other option. It was hell today, I was very uncomfortable, and used some behaviors but I can't do anything about it now.

When we came back here to the hotel, my Dad was going to go grill some stuff for him and Denise for dinner and I decided to go with him to get out. I'm actually glad I did go, because we had a good long talk. For some reason I'm more comfortable talking to him than talking to Denise. He asked me if I was feeling any better today mentally, and I responded honestly with no. He asked me to explain, and I did. I told him about all my body image issues and how bad I felt about myself and how nervous I am to go home and see Dr. Gupta. I told him my severe fear of weight gain and calories. I've told him a million times before but he was just happy to hear anything from me. He told me how depressed he is because I'm so depressed. I can tell that it really hurts him a lot, and he wishes he could just fix everything and make it go away. He told me how I don't deserve any of this, and I said that I believe everything happens for a reason, and he said he has no idea what the reason for this is, as do I. He said that he can tell that I'm trying and that it's good. I just need to lean on him and keep pushing forward; to use treatment as a motivation to not slide back. He's right. I need to focus on moving forward and not dwell on the mistakes that I make along the way. I WILL make millions of mistakes, but that shouldn't stop me from taking steps forward. Continuing to take steps back will only end me up where I don't want to be. But it's just so hard for me to have motivation these days. I don't have anything to keep me going, nothing to look forward to. So therefore I don't have much to keep me pushing. I'm afraid that I'm going to break one day completely, and because of it I will be un-fixable. But I'm glad I talked to him, and I know he really appreciated it. He cares so much, and he doesn't judge me whatsoever. I love him with all of my heart, and I'm more than happy that I have him supporting me in my life.

We're heading back to Epcot tonight for the fireworks for a little bit, and then I'll be back to crash into bed. Tomorrow's our last full day here, and that's so depressing. I don't want to go home. There's nothing there for me. Nothing but appointments and useless boring days. I would do anything to not have to leave this place. Maybe tomorrow will go by slow, but most likely not. We're heading out early to go back to the Flea, and I think I'm going to get that purse. Then we're stopping at some outlets to see what's there. It's supposed to rain a little bit tomorrow, but they said probably only a little in the morning, so hopefully in the afternoon we can just sit by the pool for our last day. We'll see how it goes I guess.

Like I said before I'm really feeling not too good about myself today. My body feels so different than it did yesterday, and I don't know how that's possible. Why is my body fucking with me?! It's driving me crazy and has caused me to give into my urges today, when I really have no room for doing that. ED is just so damn persuasive, and my voice is to weak to talk back to him. I honestly don't have the energy either. I know that what he wants is wrong, but I'm too afraid of what will happen if I don't listen to him. He will only yell at me and make me feel even worse about myself. But at the same time I feel so guilty for listening to him. It's such a lose lose situation. I feel trapped in the middle. I just want to escape but I see no way out. I just want to wake up tomorrow and live like none of this ever happened. I wonder what I would do if that actually happened. I wish it would. It would make all of this so much fucking easier. I'm sick of going through this hell, but I'm forced to. I have to do it at some point, and I can't get around it. I wish I could but it's impossible if I want a life. I don't want to do it, but like I said I have to. I feel like shit blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Leo Horoscopes

February 28, 2011

You don't like being tied to a predetermined action, but you're clever enough to see when something is for your own good. You may need to swallow your feelings and just plod ahead with your job, especially if you don't want to be seen as a person who doesn't follow through on a promise. Get to work; There's no time to waste now. Actions speak louder than words.

The memory of past challenges may haunt you today. If unchecked, these unpleasant memories may put you in a melancholic mood and thwart any chance you would have at having a happy, productive day. While it would be easy to let yourself fall into a good mope, you'll be much better off if you get out in the world and enjoy its amazing richness.

This seems like it's basically saying "get your shit together today and do what you need to do. Prove that you can stick to your promise of following your meal plan and not losing weight. Try to enjoy today and not let your feelings of depression take over, it's not worth your time." We'll see how this one goes.

Depression has taken over my body.

The minute I wake up and open my eyes,
to the minute I shut my eyes to get away from my thoughts.

But the thing is, they don't go away.
They turn into a nightmare in my mind that seems like reality.

There are numbers surrounding me, and mirrors in every corner.

There is food chasing me; the foods that I am forbidden.

The foods that everyone else can have and somehow enjoy them without guilt.

There is exercise equipment everywhere, just waiting for me to use them.

It's all pulling me in like a vacuum pulling in dust.

Everything besides me is so strong.
I'm a little speck of dust just being pushed around; going unnoticed.

And from that point, it turns into nothing, it disappears and isn't heard of again.

I know I express my feelings in weird ways. But what I write isn't drafted, it just comes to my mind and I just write. It flows out of me like water out of a fosset. I'm so emotional lately, so fragile. I take anything anyone says and twist it instantly. ED tells me that they are all just against me, and are trying to make me feel bad. But he is the one who is there for me. I feel like he is, and that he knows me best right now. I don't share how I feel with anyone but him, and no one will ever really know. It's unexplainable.

Today started off okay, went to the flea with Dad and it was alot better than the last one. I got some earrings for $2 and had my eye on a Coach bag for $28. I think we're going back on Tuesday and I might get it. Hey, why not? After that we went to pick up Denise and went back to the hotel to lay by the pool. I swear I looked bigger today and I hated it. I felt so bad that I cheated a little with my meal plan, but it probably won't do anything. But watch, it will be just my luck that it does fuck me up. I was by the pool and was reading Life without ED by Jenni Schaefer. She's recovered from anorexia and write about her eating disorder, how she went through it and how she recovered. There was a lot I could relate to and it got me thinking. It made me realize how I don't just have ED I also have Mrs. Perfectionist. I noticed that she makes me always eat at the same times, and if I don't I get yelled at and made feel bad, if I don't exercise a certain amount then it will be the end of the world, if I take too much of something to eat or too little she scolds me and tells me I'm a failure. I came to realize today that I have become a perfectionist, and I never thought I really did. I'm so controlled and I can see it, but I have no energy to fight and get the control back. I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker. I'm trying to hold on, because if I don't then I'll just really give up and I'll be forced to start another cycle, and I would rather kill myself than do that. I just want to cry, I'm hurting so much and both my Dad and Denise can see it. They ask me if I want to talk, but I just respond with a head nod meaning no. I go throughout the whole day saying probably 50 words, and the rest is just silence. I want to let my emotions out, but I am numb. I can't cry, I can't yell. I'm silenced by ED. I feel so bad about myself today, and I gave into ED so many times. I feel like I'm failing and slowly giving up. What's the point anymore when I already fucked myself over? I probably screwed everything up now. I'm a wreck.

Tomorrow we're getting up early and going to Epcot for the day. My favourite park. I don't know if I can enjoy it though. I can't let myself enjoy anything, or be happy. There will be lots of walking, which eases my mind. I'll probably cut some stuff out of my meal plan just because I gave in tonight and calorie counted and freaked out. I can't let myself have all of that. But part of me wants to just close my eyes and do it. Just eat the food and that's it. I'm in the middle of ED and recovery. I don't know which side to choose. I know what I should do, but that doesn't mean I will do it. Most likely I won't. I'm scared, I'm depressed, I'm hopeless, I'm at a loss. I just want to disappear. Please.

Leo Horoscopes

February 27, 2011

Health concerns may come to the forefront now as you fight off a slight cold or deal with a minor infection. Even if you are feeling great, consider making some kind of improvement to your current exercise program or changing your diet. Creating routines that increase your overall well-being have more impact now than usual.



You may have to give some commitment or assurance for what you hope to receive just now. People are not as prone to simply handing over information without you giving them something in return. In other words, today is not a day when things will be given freely to you.

Great way to start off my day. NOT. Those horoscopes suck and scares me about what the day has in store. On the agenda for today is Main gate Flea Market with my Dad and then just laying by the pool for the afternoon. Sounds okay to me I guess. I'm annoyed it's already Sunday, and I wish I could just hit a pause button so the days didn't have to go by. I don't want to go home. As I'm sure you all understand already.

Anyway, I didn't post last night because 1- I was exhausted from walking so much and 2- I was fucking annoyed out of my mind and just couldn't be around anyone or do anything besides go to bed. So yesterday I was in such a bad mood all day. First it started off with me feeling like shit again and then me and my Dad headed off to the Flea Market and it was like 30 minutes away which was annoying and in no man's land. Then we got there and it was the shittiest dump I have ever seen. It was so boring and there was basically all yard sale shit there. I had no interest whatsoever but my Dad of course had to look at every table. But we only ended up staying for about an hour, and even with that I was getting really impatient. Since we had a lot of time to burn we decided we needed to stop at Walmart to get some things, but my Dad decided to stop some other places on the way back. One was Burlington Coat Factory because he was looking for some new sandals. He had no luck in there but I came out with $8 sandals, and 3 headbands for $3. They were actually cute so I was surprised. Then he wanted to stop at two other stores to look for these damn shoes and one store he was too picky and they were too expensive and then the second store we were no lie in there for 45 minutes and the whole time he was sitting there trying on every fucking size 11 shoe to make sure he got the "right fit." HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO FUCKING TRY THE SAME SHOE ON?! I was getting so frustrated and he could tell and of course commented on it, which only made me turn into more of a bitch. Then we stopped at Walmart and it was pretty quick thank god. Then back to the hotel, and we headed to the pool for a few hours. I felt really self conscious yesterday at the pool. There was a group of obnoxious girls in their 20s right next to me and they were obnoxious and loud and every time I looked over they were looking at me and would whisper. That makes me feel so bad about myself, but they didn't care. I just tried to ignore it but it was kind of difficult. I toasted in the sun for a few hours then headed back up to the room for a little, then me and Dad went on a walk around the resort. Then he left, and I over heard two ladies talking about the distance around the resort and what it was and they said 2 times around is .6 miles. So of course ED told me that I had to go two more time around and then a little more to get to 1 mile. I was exhausted, my feel were killing me, I got blisters walking in my new shoes, but I just had to. I felt so bad emotionally and physically at that point and ED got the best of me. I knew it was wrong, and I can acknowledge that but I didn't change my actions because of it. I finished my distance and came back up here and then had dinner. We decided to go to Downtown Disney for a few hours to see what was down there and kill some time. I wish I had never brought up the idea. I was miserable. I never realized how much my body hurts. We walked so much and I thought my back was going to break. I was getting so annoyed because my Dad was taking forever, and when he was finally done we had to walk about a mile to get to the fucking car because we parked the fucking farthest away we could. Denise and my Dad were fucking annoying the shit out of me, asking a million times if I was okay; like really? Do I fucking look okay? No, I looked like I was ready to murder someone. I had to bring my snack and Gatorade with me. Had my snack, dumped out half of my Gatorade in the bushes. I kind of felt guilty, because once again I knew it wasn't right, but I wasn't strong enough to fight the urge. I never am it seems like. I'm scared that all this walking is only hurting me. But, the thing is I'm actually for once following my meal plan because I'm forcing myself to. So, if it doesn't pay off like I said I'm going to be really upset and will just be like okay fuck it I'm not trying anymore because when I did actually try it got me no where but farther away from where I need to be. As you can tell I'm really stressed and anxious. And I'm supposed to be relaxed on vacation, but I knew that wouldn't happen. Just had breakfast, feel gross and disgusting, making myself have Gatorade, and then me and Dad are going out for a few hours. Maybe it will actually be worth my fucking time unlike yesterday. I really don't feel like being a bitch today, so hopefully nothing causes me to be. 

Leo Horoscope:

February 26, 2011

Some greater responsibility may befall you today and you probably feel  little more burdened by the commitments that are around you. Major life changes appear to be near. Shredding old, fatigued plansto make room for new approaches will ensure you do well in this period.

That sounds promising. But, that could be changes in a good or bad way, hopefully not bad. I'm already feeling crappy this morning, and it's only 7:45. That makes me worried about today and what it will play out to be. My stomach feels like it's going to blow and I have no hunger whatsoever. I wish I could act like a normal fucking human being and eat when I'm HUNGRY, not when I'm told I have to. It's ridiculous. UGH. But we're heading off to the Flea Market in about an hour so we'll see how it goes. I have to pack some of my food and that makes me anxious, I know people will see me performing my food rituals, but I can't help it. They're gonna have to just deal I guess. I hope today goes by slow, and it's not as painful as I think it will be. My bones are still there, so that makes everything a little better. I'm annoying, sorry.

That's all that's in my mind right now.
Today has made me want to kill myself.

It's almost coming to an end, and I have to say
I'm surprised I even somewhat did what I had to.

I can't tell you how many times I had to shove the food down my throat before ED would say anything more to me. He was extremely loud all day. Especially by the pool. I felt disgusting and enormous. I can't believe I let myself wear shorts. Hello thunder thighs. People were looking at me and I hated it. The only reason I stayed down there was 1- I would have nothing else to do and 2- I wanted some sun to keep my freezing body warm. The good thing today was that I walked a lot, which will probably help the whole feeling fat issue a little at least. I was with my Dad all day while Denise was at her conference and I have to say it was better. We don't really hang out alone, and we just sat by the pool, walked around, and played some mini golf. There was one moment when I was with him though, when I wanted to scream and run away. We were going to mini golf and we see this huge line coming out of these double doors. We asked someone what it was and they responded with ice cream. My dad's eyes bulged out of his head and he said he had to get some. My ED was screaming so loud saying how out of control he was and how I am so much better and I won't gain weight because of it. I stood in line with him awkwardly as I stared at the girls with huge buckets of chocolate and vanilla, 4 different kinds of sauces, whip cream, chocolate and rainbow jimmies, oreos and nuts. My mouth was watering as I could almost taste everything in my mouth one by one. But I'm not allowed to have that stuff. It's unhealthy and just is not something I need to have. I watched as everyone got their ice cream and root beer floats piled high with toppings, and there I stood with ED telling me how much better I am and how proud he was of me. We went and played mini golf, then headed back to the room for a little and then went to the pool again for about an hour. When my Dad left to pick up Denise it was the perfect time to walk around the huge walkway surrounding all of the different buildings. ED told me to walk faster and faster and faster. My feet were burning and hurt rubbing up against my sandals, but I kept going. I mean I was only walking right? I just felt so bad about myself at that point and really felt fat. I headed back to the room and showered and only found myself staring at my naked body in the mirror checking to see if anything grew. I tried to tell myself that nothing did, but that didn't work. After that, and ever since then I have been extremely depressed and in a terrible mood. I gave in and counted my calories a few minutes ago for the day and was surprised because it wasn't as high as I expected. But it made me even more surprised because of how I felt physically. I feel like I've eaten 2000 calories today and it scares me that it wasn't even near that. Tomorrow is a lot more and I don't know how I will deal with it if tomorrow was a lot less. I just need to suck it up I guess. I have to say though I'm craving knowing the number on the scale. It's killing me. I got no sleep last night. I was tossing and turning with my eyes wide open and my mind was racing with numbers and adding things up and it was totally out of my control. I tried to slap myself and tell my mind to stop but it would just start back up again. I laid there searching to find my hip bones and collar bones to make sure they were still the way I remembered them to be. I'm scared that after going through all of this painful torturous stuff, nothing will change with my weight and then I'll be screwed. I can say to my doctor that I really did make myself do well on vacation, but do you think she will believe me? Of course not. All she cares about is the number that comes up on the scale, and if it's lower than it was last time, she won't be happy. It doesn't matter how hard I worked, or how much I wanted to just give up and didn't; all she focuses on is the number, therefore if I say I did okay she'll think I'm lying. It sucks. It sucks when all the hard fucking shit I go through gets pushed to the side and unnoticed. My Dad and Denise didn't know how much I was struggling before we came here, so they don't see how hard I'm trying either. They think that I've done what I needed to all along. And they don't know I weigh myself so I can't express my anxiety about the scale. I only have myself to cry to. No one else is there to understand.

I'm scared to wake up tomorrow and see what's there. I'm scared to face another day of this tomorrow. I'm hoping that maybe it won't be as painful since I got through today, but anything can happen. And I hope that's one thing that doesn't. Me and my Dad are on our own again tomorrow and we're heading to the Flea & Farmer's Market for a few hours. I guess it's something to do, and of course more walking. I brought a dress to wear, but I don't know if I want to wear it. I don't want to show my skin and look normal. But if I wear my normal XL T shirt and sweatpants that could bring just as much attention to me. So I guess maybe I'll try to challenge myself and try it, even though I'll hate myself for it. I hate that I'm already one day closer to going home. I never want to leave. I never want to see what happens when I get home. I have a daily calendar written by an inspirational speaker Joel Osteen that I read daily. Today it read " Just stay in faith and God will get you where you need to be." I keep praying to God that my hard work, sweat and tears will pay off. I know I've said it probably a hundred times but I'm so scared. I just want her to get off my back for a little. My plan is to do what I need to and then after I see her just slowly go back to what I was doing. Or at least not gain and just maintain. I just want a break. I don't want to have to worry about if I'll gain a pound from eating an extra fruit. I mean I'm doing okay and kinda going in the right direction and that's all that matters right? It's just so frustrating. I saw people all around me today, and of course I compared. But I did see that everyone is different, and everyone is confident with how they look and their bodies. I saw that people who were healthy weren't fat. If someone told me that they were 115 I would not judge them whatsoever. I think other people look good when they're healthy. But me? That's a different case. I'm different. I know that if I'm 110-115 I won't look okay. I'll be too big, and I'm scared because I am forced to get to that point. I'm ashamed that I even used numbers because I'm disgusted and embarrassed but whatever. Hopefully you all won't judge based on that. But my point is, if I see or know someone that is the weight I should be or even higher I don't judge them on that. I only judge myself in that way. It's so crazy to think that almost a year ago I got down to 107 after only having water every other day and one orange over the course of a week and everyone was so worried, and then I came home and didn't hate myself but didn't love it either, but I was proud that I was that weight and that I got that low. But now, it seems like being at that weight is unbearable. Rationally I know that if I was there once I can be there again, and it shouldn't feel any different or look any different but ED is telling me differently. I'm so frustrated that I let myself get this low because it seems impossible to get to where I need to be. I haven't even reached my goal anorexic weight, and I don't think I can get away with that any time soon either. I mean part of me can sometimes look at my reflection and see the bony skinny unhealthy girl that everyone else tells me they see, but then there is the other times where I only see a fat girl. It's a battle going back an forth. I want to be able to just trust what everyone else says but I believe that I look better this way. But no one understands why. Only me. But that is slowly being taken away from me, and I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I could just have an answer to this problem. I wish it was easier to solve, but that's not possible, and never will be. I just want the fucking pain to go away.

Greetings from the Sunshine State.

I would like to tell you all that everything is wonderful and great but I'd be lying.

For some reason I thought by getting away, my problems would stay behond as well.

Turns out I set myself up for disappointment. Like always. Why can't I ever learn?

Today was a mess. I was going going going all day. I'm exhausted. My body can't take it.

I mean I'm by far eating enough, but not the amount I'm supposed to.
I just can't stop listening to ED.

He sat right next to me on the plane, and came off with me to the hotel,
and of course the grocery store;

Making me stand in the aisels looking at the nutrition facts on every food, comparing making sure I got the lowest thing. I was so anxious that the store down here wouldn't have my "safe" foods, but when I saw my 50 calorie juice I had the biggest smile on my face. What the fuck is wrong with me? Who the fuck in their right mind gets excited over juice? Because God forbid if I had to have 110 calorie juice it would be the end of the world. It's so annoying, but I can't help it. I made sure I got all of my other safe foods, but actually was thinking as I was looking for my stuff how I need to get my shit together. There is SO MUCH that will be based off this trip. It will determine what will happen when I get home. And of course I have an appointment with my doctor the day after I get back. Oh joy. I'm scared to death. Before I left I weighed myself and was down to 93. I'm dead. it just doesn't seem to be true. My head is officially fucked up. I'm so anxious right now, I'm so scared. I know it's pathetic to normal people, but I'm afraid to eat what I need to. 1700 calories. AHHHHHH! I know thats still not near what normal people have, but it's slowly creeping to that point. But I make sure that if I have to eat that amount, it's the healthiest fucking food I can put in my body. I'm freaking out because I won't be able to keep track of my weight while I'm here, but maybe that's a good thing in a way. I mean, I think I'll just be more anxious, but I need to gain some weight, just to get back to where I was when I saw my doc last week. I don't know if it's possible, but all I can do is try I guess. I'm dreading the moment when I get home and step on the scale. It basically will determine my fate; it determines what will happen next. I'm scared to death. But I just need to fucking do what I have to while I'm here. I hate that I have to, but I have no choice right now. So that means, finishing all of my food, and no exercising. I mean I'm really walking ALOT more down here, so that's not good but maybe my doc will understand that if I honestly tell her I really tried. One addition to my meal plan was Gatorade, which I'm afraid of of course. Liquid calories are useless to me. They only load me with sugar which turns to fat. People who work out drink Gatorade! Not people like me who sit on their lazy ass all day eating fucking 1700 calories. But, ya. I just need to make myself do it. I hate that I'm saying I'm going to try, I hate saying I'm gonna try to fight ED. I'm afraid of what people will think, like you all. I'm afraid people will be proud, and will say it's a good thing; but uh duh i don't like that. I don't want to be healthy or better yet, so I don't like people seeing that I'm fighting. I want to be sick. Yes, I don't understand it completely because I have my moments when I just think "What the fuck am I doing? I'm wasting my time and energy counting calories and worrying about finishing my fucking oatmeal and how it will make me blow up if I have that extra bite." I'm so frustrated honestly. I hate that I go back and forth so easily. But I can't. I need to fucking change my mindset while I'm here. I mean I kind of need to at some point, but the thing is that I don't feel ready to. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm scared! I'm sorry I'm so annoying. I think I'm a fucking pain in the ass and a whiny little bitch so you all must think the same. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't.

I'm scared to wake up tomorrow and start this.

I don't want to but I have to. I have to I have to I have to.

I need to just say "Okay Trine, 1700 calories is still not enough. "You need 3000 to gain real weight. You won't die, and you need to gain anyway." I know that tomorrow will be the hardest, so if I get past that, hopefully that will make the following days a little easier. I hope. ED is gonna be so fucking loud, and I'm petrified. I don't feel strong enough to fight him and ignore him. And it's even worse that I'm gonna have to go to the pool tomorrow. That's scary and I'm so uncomfortable with it. What if people stare? What if people think I'm big? What if what if what if. AH. But hopefully it won't be as bad as I think. I need to start facing my social anxiety at some point, and I guess it's better that I do it down here with people that don't know me. I guess it could be worse. I already feel so gross right now. I feel so sick and fat, and I just want to go exercise in my room, but I CANT. And I won't. It will only hurt me. I feel so terrible but I can't. Tomorrow is a new day I guess, and all I can do is do the right thing. All I can do is control what I can, and that's it. I need to just go to bed so I can't worry or think anymore. I need to numb out my feelings so I don't have to deal with all of them. It's too overwhelming. So therefore it's time to hit the sheets. I don't want to wake up, and maybe God will take that into consideration. I would rather that a million times more than having to do this tomorrow. Fuck my life, that's all I have to say. 

Leo Horoscope:

Thursday February 24, 2011

The finer workings of your game plan roll along smoothly and probably get taken for granted if you don't take extra effort to notice them. Cooperation is a given, and if you give it you will get it. No blame, no strain, no pain. Mutual pats on the back let everyone know that all is in sync, so give them freely.


Peace out MA, hello 85 degrees.



Florida tomorrow.

Thank fucking God.

Maybe something magical will happen to me at the place "Where dreams come true."

Maybe all of this will somehow go away, somehow be easier than it is.

Screw that. It's impossible.



"I'll stop once I'm skinny, because if I'm skinny I'll be happy.

Maybe I won't walk through each day like a zombie, clinging to this ridiculous belief,

waiting for the day to end so I can write in my journal that
I've gone another day without food, without fat,
without feeling so worthless that I pray to God
I don't wake up the next day. I know it's not true, deep down I do,
but if I admit this to myself,
I'm scared I won't have a thing to live for."

Leo Horosope-

February 22, 2011

It's challenging to retain a sense of playfulness today because a primal emotional interaction may raise serious issues. You might even question your own wisdom especially if your recent strategy hasn't brought you much happiness.But don't make any drastic changes to your plan just yet. Your perspective will change in the weeks ahead and you might realize then that everything is on course, even if you cannot see it that way right now.

I'm fucking fed up.

I'm done.

I have only one word to describe today, hell.

It seemed like one thing kept going wrong right after another.

Woke up in a bad mood automatically, they didn't have what I wanted at the grocery store for my trip, I fucked up my snack, I fucked up all my meals for the trip, lunch was too much, snack made me sick to my stomach, my Dad annoyed the shit out of me, I had to have my dinner a half an hour late because they insisted on having a family dinner, which basically means fucking sitting there stuffing our faces in silence, and I feel physically sick with chills. What else can go wrong today? OH, I weighed myself and I'm down to around 93. LOST. I CAN'T FUCKING LOSE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS ON MY OWN I'M GONNA HAVE TO BE FUCKING SENT AWAY BECAUSE I'M NOT FUCKING STRONG ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could be leaving tomorrow. But at the same time I'm so fucking anxious about it I can barely sleep. I researched the store I would have to buy my groceries at down there and they don't have all of "my" foods. Therefore that means more calories in my body which means I go into freak out mode and then start a cycle of restricting. It's bound to happen, but I need to try to avoid it. As much as possible. I'm just fucking stressed about everything. I don't know what I'm gonna wear down there, I hate showing any inch of my skin, I'm too embarassed. I have a feeling it's going to go by really quickly too, which is the last thing I want. I don't want to return to this useless pointless boring life. There's no point. I feel like there's no point with anything anymore. I'm trying to tell myself that it's just one bad day and bad days happen, but I see that it has started to become a cycle, and it's breaking me to the point of where I'm about to shatter. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and act like a crazy fucking animal who can't control herself. I feel like there is such a beast inside of me but I won't let it out, and the stronger it gets the harder it is to hold in. I'm fragile. Anything anyone says to me I take defensively and I respond with my bitchy tone and response and then that just results in fighting and tension between everything. Then there we go once again I fuck up something else. It's just great, i love it.

Tomorrow's a busy day and that's annoying. Need to finish packing all my shit, have a stupid fucking pointless family meeting at 1:30, and then go to fucking pointless IOP an hour early because it's my last day there. Or at least I hope, but of course that probably won't last, no one thinks it will. No one thinks I can last, but fuck everyone, they don't know. I just want it to be Thursday so I can peace out of here. Maybe my plane will crash. Hm.



You remember this.

You do.

Don’t pretend you don’t. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen.

It’s happened dozens of times. Hundreds.

You wake up.Maybe you wake up on the floor (you passed out, don’t you remember?). Maybe you wake up in middle of the night, gasping. Maybe it’s morning, your alarm went off, and it’s your first thought.

Either way, you need to check. You need to know. Anxiety bites at the edges of your mind. Are my bones there? Your frantic hands move quickly, static, and they cling onto the bones at your collar. Cling like it’s all you have. You stroke them.

You’re still there.

I'm lost.

I don't even know what to think anymore.

I don't know what I want.

I just want to run away and never have to come back.

It's all too hard, and doesn't seem worth it.

This weekend sucked. Well, I just felt guilty because I gave into ED so many times. But the sad thing is I enjoyed it. It made me feel better; more at ease and relaxed. While I was going crazy on the outside, on the inside I was calm, I was okay because that's what ED told me. I got a high from the feeling of throwing away half of my food and making it seem like I was a good girl who ate everything. The feeling of hunger and emptiness in my stomach satisfied me, and made me believe that I was doing the right thing. It made me think I was actually in control of myself; like I could stop myself from eating all of this food that I don't need. I don't need it. Not this much, Id rather have nothing at all. But there I am, sitting at the breakfast bar like a robot putting the spoon up to my mouth and back to the bowl, back and forth, bit by bit. Making sure that my lips don't touch the spoon; no, I can't do that, if I let the food touch my lips it would mean I was enjoying the food, but that's a lie. As I hold my sandwich in my hand, I "accidentally" break it apart and shake it and leave half of it on my plate, because it "fell out." Therefore it's no good to eat. I can NEVER completely finish my food. That would mean I was a pig who couldn't control myself. Then the guilt would rush in like an enormous wave crashing onto the shore. I think to myself, "well, it looks like I'm eating everything, but at least I'm eating something." As they walk in and out of the room I anxiously hide my messy plate with my napkin, or start to distract them with useless conversation. They can't catch me, it would be a disaster if I had to eat that last bite. That's not allowed. That will never be allowed.

ED has been taking over more and more. I see him charging at me, but I just continue to stand there, no movement, no expression, no fear; just a robot, that's all I am. I'm not living anymore, I'm not human. Humans don't act this way. Humans can actually let themselves smile and laugh, humans can let themselves accept compliments and be proud that they received any at all, humans can learn that they will never be perfect, and that's okay. Nothing is ever enough for this girl. Never thin enough, never happy enough, never depressed enough, never sad enough, never scared enough, never perfect enough; no satisfaction whatsoever. She is always striving for that gold medal at the finish line, yet she knows that there is no prize waiting for her. The only prize at the end is death. And the sad thing is, even though she knows that, she still keeps running, pushing, killing herself to get to that non-existent point. Thinking that somehow it has to be possible, and that she will make it possible. She believes that is the only way she will be happy, and until she gets the medal, she will continue to live in misery and hate. She wants to want to get rid of this hell, but she just can't. She doesn't want it bad enough. Everyone else wants it for her, they all wish that she will just realize one day that it is possible to overcome, and that she is strong enough. She is going through each day, forcing food down her throat. But for who? Not for herself. For everyone who wants it for her. She gains an enormous amount of guilt when she disappoints or worries anyone. She wants to be seen as the perfect recovered anorexic, like a super hero; like someone that can overcome anything. But in reality, on the inside she is nothing but an insecure being. She wants to hide within herself, and stay there forever. She wants to be alone, but at the same time she is craving warmth and love from everyone on the outside. She knows deep down that if she wants to, she can get that love back, and she can actually become someone through all of this, but she s starting to run out of steam. She's slipping down the steep mountain, and is expecting to fall. Even after going through so much in her life, she still believes she's not strong enough; she can't do it. And as every minute passes, and her feet slip down inch after inch, she's losing hope. The light at the top of the mountain is fading more and more, like the sun at the end of a long day disappearing into the sunset. But this view isn't pretty, it's only causing more hurt, more hopelessness, and more power to want to just give up. And she's afraid to admit it but, she thinks she is going to give up.  

Day 25-

If you died tomorrow what's one thing you would regret not doing?

There is plenty of things that I would regret not doing, I have a bucket list of some sorts and I would be disappointed if I didn't get to make them happen. One thing came to mind with this question, and it may sound stupid but I would regret not being able to see if I really could overcome this. If my chances would be taken away all of a sudden I would never know how things would've played out. Maybe I would've been able to get my life back, or maybe it wouldn't happen how I thought it would. Who knows. It would be disappointing to know that I would never have the answer. And actually no one would. I think that people believe that I can recover; everyone except myself. Life is full of unknowns and expectancies. It throws us for a whirlwind day to day, but whatever gets thrown at us, does for a reason. God believes that we are strong enough to overcome it, and therefore it will make us stronger as people. I want to think that there is a life out there for me beyond and eating disorder but, I'd be lying if I said I believed that. Maybe God will prove me wrong, or maybe I'll even prove myself wrong.

Leo Horoscope

February 21, 2011

You are in a more playful state of mind today and can make use of your clever intelligence to entertain others. Unfortunately, everything isn't all fun and games now because there is so much work to do. Self-confidence may be one of your strengths, but don't get too cocky about your ability to juggle your responsibilities or you might fall short while trying to handle too many things at once. Cut back on your commitments so you can do the best job possible.

If recently the same problem has come up without any resolution, today could involve you getting into the nitty gritty of the issue. Resolution of this problem may clear bad feelings and bring you closer to someone. You may be forced to put something on hold for awhile.



Day 24-

When were the happiest days of you life?

I've had many happy days throughout my life thus far so this is somewhat difficult to answer. I have a few time periods where I was truly happy with how my life was going. The first thing that comes to mind is when I was a child. It seemed like everything was wonderful and amazing in my eyes. I would be satisfied by the littlest things and wouldn't expect too much from anyone. I remember I did gymnastics and loved it, and then I moved on to become a dancer and liked that even more. I remember having fun birthday parties, going on fun vacations, and being attached to my Mom's hip. Those were the days.

The second time period I think would be my senior year of high school at SPM. It was basically a year of nothing, no responsibilities, just enjoying the last year of being with our class at SPM before we all went our separate ways. The fall in my opinion was the best. Parties, Christmas Ball, Homecoming, all that fun stuff. I had a close group of friends and we all got along pretty well for the most part. I remember I loved having that feeling of being a "senior," the oldest of the school. We all thought we were bad ass, and in some ways I guess we were. Our class was well liked by the teachers, and we had a lot of students who were very talented. As a class we all got a long pretty well, and just tried to make the best out of our last months. Then the time from I'd say April to May was the best. They were months full of fooling around, having senioritis, senior prom and preparing to leave and graduate soon. i remember the days being pointless, and all we did in school was talk and barely do any homework or have tests. And if we did, they were a joke. Graduation was such a great time, I felt so accomplished and couldn't believe that I was actually graduating. It seemed so weird to be "growing up." I didn't like it really, I enjoyed being in high school. Then what following was millions of graduation parties, and celebrations for sending us all off to school in the fall. It was a great time in my life that I will never forget.

Leo Horoscope

February 20, 2011

You may feel burdened with so many details so necessary for a successful function. Some adjustment or adaptation to new routines, or a relinquishment of a personal interest, may be necessary to maintain peace and harmony.

 I don't know what I want anymore.

I feel like I ruined all of the progress I made.

I screwed up over and over and over again. It's something about that high I get when I restrict or exercise. It's so addicting and soothes my mind. It makes me believe everything will be okay. But it's only hurting me; it's setting me back more and more. The problem is, I can't afford to go back any more. I'm losing my chances. Today I just wasn't myself. I've been really ambivalent lately and I don't know what's come over me. It bothers me that my meds have been working for my depression and that I haven't been freaking out as much about food. I don't know where that came from. It's too normal. I don't like it. But at the same time it has helped reduce my anxiety a little. My mind hasn't been racing as much, but it just doesn't feel right. I know I should want to not have to think about numbers, calories, and weight all day but I'm just so used to it. It makes me believe that if I don't think about all of that stuff then I'm not sick, or I'm normal. And like I've said a million times, I'm not at that point yet. Well, it's confusing; Part of me wants to have a life, and not one including an eating disorder but the other part wants everything to do with it. I don't know what to do with myself!

I've been sorta freaking out the past few days about my trip to Florida. I've been planning my meals and food non-stop and it's making me extremely anxious. What if I forget something? What if the grocery store down there doesn't have the things that I usually have? So many what ifs and I can't get away from thinking about them. It's so frustrating that I'm not even leaving that soon, it's still 5 days away. I wish it was sooner so I could stop freaking out so much and just be settled in! Argh. I can't wait to just get away and actually be able to not be as afraid to leave my hotel room because of being afraid on seeing someone I know. It's good to know that everyone I see will have no clue who I am, therefore I won't be as anxious. But believe me, being around anyone is hard for me too. I wish I could read people's mind. I wish I could know if by looking at me they can tell that I have an eating disorder. I won't if I look "sick enough." I better. I want to stand out in my own way, it may not be the best in some people's opinion but it's something. That's all that matters to me quite frankly.

I weighed myself today to see if my slipping back this weekend even made an effect, and with my luck it did. Said I'm at about 93 1/2 and I was 94 1/2 before. I'm freaking out because I need to get back to where I was. I hope when I get weighed on Monday they don't say anything about it. I haven't been weighed yet, so they don't really have anything to compare it to besides my weight from my doctor's office, but since they are different scales, the weights are usually different. I'm just worried as you can tell. But really, they can't do anything about it. I'll be leaving on Wednesday and hopefully won't have to go back to IOP when I come back from Florida. If I get back on track and do my increase on Monday I'm hoping I'll be okay. I'm worried that I'm going to slip back when I'm away. I'm afraid I'm going to be so stressed about my schedule being so thrown off that I'm going to let that get the best of me, and ED is going to find his way in. I'm always so easy to persuade, but I have to say that I've been challenging ED a little more and trying to listen to the recovery voice. For example, today I was having my usually smoothie for snack ( ya I know it's a lot) and I totally spilt the entire thing on the carpet and all over myself and I hadn't had that much of it. I didn't know what to do. ED told me that it was okay, and at least I had some of it so I can just leave it at that, but recovery told me that I need to have something in place of it, and I did surprisingly. It wasn't that much but it was something, and something is better than nothing. There are times like that where I feel optimistic about recovery and fighting back against ED but then as a result ED crept back in and made me feel so guilty and it made me listen to him. It always backfires, and I'm clearly not strong enough to not give in. I don't know how to gain the strength. I need to keep taking steps in the right direction. The only motivation I have right now is hopefully being able to not have to go back to IOP and just work outpatient with my doctor and nutritionist. That's what my goal is, but I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I'm afraid even if I do what I need to the next few weeks. it won't be enough. It seems like it never is, and that just gets me down and un-motivated. I feel gross, and it's so frustrating because I actually lost weight. It's scary because I have SO FAR to go. At least my doctor said it will be gradual and a slow process, but it's still scaring me to death. I mean really, who would ever be okay with gaining weight? Everyone says to me "Ya know, just eat your MP and then gain the weight and it will be over with." HAHA Oh really? Cause it's that easy right? If that was the case I would've been recovered a long time ago. If you were in my shoes and actually understood you would be acting the same way I am. AH! Part of me just wishes I could wake up tomorrow and have it all be over and I would be where they want me. It's too much work for me to deal with or handle. The voices are too strong and too persuasive. ED has been telling me that I don't look sick anymore, and that I'm eating way too many calories. He makes me feel so guilty for even breathing let alone eating. He's getting to me, and I'm at a loss.

Tomorrow's already Sunday; I hate that. The start of another stupid pointless week is almost here, but at least I'll be gone soon! I wish I didn't have to come back at all. That would be amazing. Running away from all of this shit and hoping it doesn't follow me; but we all know that wherever I go it will always be making sure it never leaves my side.



Day 23-

What are the 10 most significant events in your life?

I don't feel like writing a lot or explaining so you'll all have to deal with a boring list for today.

1. The death of my Mom in 02'

2. My car accident in 2nd grade where I was close to dying and had to get my spleen removed.

3. Graduating from St. Peter- Marian in 09'

4. Winning Cheesport nationals in 09'

5. Going into treatment for the first time for my ED/ telling Paula what was going on.

6. Moving into BSC in the fall of 09'

7. Senior Prom 09'

8. Vacations to Hampton beach with the Hassetts every August

9. Vacations to Cape Cod with the Tetreaults every July

10. Graduating from 8th grade in 05' 

Leo Horoscope

February 19, 2011

Everything may seem more complicated than necessary today yet you cannot simplify your life to reduce your stress. The complexity arises from your heart desiring something that you just don't know how to get. Holding firm to your goals now is a smart strategy that should ultimately pay off but you'll need to show some flexibility along the way.

Day 22-

What gives you sincere happiness?

This is an easy one. My relationships with my friends and family are what give me sincere happiness. The bonds formed are irreplaceable, and each one is one of a kind. Yet at the same time they are similar in some ways. I feel all of my relationships posses loyalty, trust, support, understanding, kindness, thoughtfulness, and comfort. Without my relationships I wouldn't be able to function. They are such an important part of me and they have made me who I am today. The unconditional love present in each one means the world to me, and makes me feel important and loved. I believe all of my relationships are sincere and real. They wouldn't have lasted this long if they weren't. I would do anything for my friends and family because they mean that much to me. I am so thankful that these people are a part of my life and I wouldn't want it any other way. They make me happy. Especially throughout the past few years since my eating disorder started. They are all still standing by my side and are being supportive no matter what. Yes, I have pushed some of them away but for the most part I think they are trying to respect my feelings and understand that's just where I'm at. But I am confident that whenever I am ready, they will be right there waiting for me. I hope someday I'll be able to break out of this rut and see people. I know they won't judge me, and all the stuff preventing me from going out is all in my head, but I still am not ready to do it. The relationships I have formed truly give me sincere happiness.

Up and down left and right high and low.

This is how I can sum up my day.

I feel like I've been all over the place. Okay one second and then the next I'm completely hating myself and wanting nothing to do with life. Really, I shouldn't be upset about today, because nothing really bad happened. I thought it was going to turn our a lot differently than it did. I woke up, to make sure I was the same weight and I freaked because I wasn't. But then I weighed myself after I ate a little, and thank god it changed. I went to my appointment and my doctor was really nice today, probably the only reason is because I didn't lose and did what she wanted. But part of me hated that. I hate knowing that I'm getting bigger and getting more normal. I still don't want to be normal looking, it's just not me. It;s the only way I can stand out and feel like something. But I talked to her awhile and fed her all my shit about how I really want to get better and I'm ready to change and I'm fighting back and feeling a lot more optimistic. BLAH ya right. I guess I was feeling a little more positive today, but I still don't want to do the work to get better. I just want to stay where I'm at. Its not like I'm starving myself, so whats the big deal? I don't need to eat any fucking more. I'm so ashamed. And I saw my nutritionist today too. Of course she gave me an increase and I'm freaking out over it. WAYYYYYYY too many calories. Too high. It will make me fat and chubby and I can't let that happen. I'll just exercise since I have to eat more to make up for it. Whatever. Like what? 1700 calories? FUCK NO! That's disgustingly way too much to eat. You all probably think I'm such a fat fyck who can't control herself. I'm embarrassed and hate myself for doing it. Ya I realize that normal people eat 1800-2200 but I don't want to be normal, and it scares me that I'm getting closer and closer. It's scary as fuck. I don't want to do the increase tomorrow. Even though 120 calories more doesn't seem like a lot, once it's added to everything else its wayyy too much. But since I won't be seeing her for 2 weeks, I'm thinking instead of doing it all tomorrow I might slip it up a few days so it won't be as overwhelming. Ultimately, I know I have to increase it to what she wants no matter what, because if I don't I'm screwed. AHHHH but I'm fucking scared. Scared if what it will do to me. I know I have to gain the weight, but I'm still not accepting of it. I don't think I ever will be actually. Guess we'll have to see how the next few days go.. I'll start small tomorrow, at least it's something I guess.

Well, a week from today I will be in Orlando and I can't even explain how happy I am to be getting out of here. I wish it was permanent. I just want to run away from everyone and everything. But I guess a week is a good start. Just to get away, get some sun, not have to go to IOP, not have to go to appointments. Sounds pretty good to me. Although I'm freaking out a little bit. 1- The food situation. I mean, where we're staying there is our own kitchen, so when we get there I'm going to the grocery store to get all of my food because this girl will NOT be eating anything out. NEVER. So, I guess things could be worse. But I'm afraid the store won't have all the same foods that I usually eat, and they won't have my "safe" foods, but I'll find something I guess. I'll just have the same safe things everyday. Better than nothing. 2- Florida = warm weather= pools= bathing suits/shorts/ not a lot of clothes. Hell no this girl is not showing her legs whatsoever. They're too big and embarrassing to show. I will be living in light sweats/capris and big baggy t shirts. Clearly I don't care what I look like. 3- I'm afraid that since I'm not at home and not doing the same things and eating the same things I'm gonna gain a lot of weight because I'll just be sitting around a pool eating all day. But hopefully we'll be walking alot so I can burn some stuff off. But at the same time I know that will only hurt me.. So I need to force myself to stick with my MP, just reminding myself that I have no choice. And 4- I'm afraid to be away from the scale. I weigh myself multiple times a day, so therefore going a week without knowing is scary. I'm already anxious thinking about it. But I guess I have to deal. Really, there is a lot riding on this trip. My doctor is worried about how I'll do, and I'm going to be missing a week of IOP, and since its so long, I am actually getting discharged on Wednesday because it's their protocol. My case manager said that if when I came back, if my doctor felt that I needed to be in the program again I would just call again and come. But my goal is to not go back. My doctor said it all depends how I do. That makes me so nervous, because I don't think I can do it. I'm barely even doing it while in IOP. It's not even helping. I've heard all of the stuff multiple times so it's pointless for me. I hate it. I want to be on my own, but I might not be able to. So, as you can tell I'm really stressed out about the trip, and worried about keeping myself somewhat on track. I already can tell you that I'll fuck up plenty of times, but I just can't let it become a cycle. I CANT. Ugh. Even though its a week away I'm already losing sleep over it. I can't stop worrying. But at least I got through today and seeing my doctor, and got through another night of IOP, and I only have Monday and Wednesday of next week left. They haven't weighed me yet there, so they won't be able to tell if I lose or not which is good, but I can't anyway. I just want to maintain and maintain and maintain. Not lose cause that will just fuck me up, and not gain because that will just fuck me up even more. AH! Make it all go away! My body image is terrible and the past few days have been hell. I'm continuously seeing this obese hippo in the mirror and I hate myself nmore and more with every glance. When will it stop? The scary thing is that everyone says that's the last thing to go away. I don't believe I can't wait that long. It's unbearable.

Part of me wants to just let go and give up, but I don't want to face the consequences that would follow.

It seems the more I fight ED the harder it gets, and the true self hate for myself increases to a huge extent.

How can I deal with this any longer? How will I keep going?

I don't want to keep going, but I have no choice but to keep going.

I'm numb.

I'm afraid.

I'm depressed.

I'm frustrated.

I'm worried.

I'm disgusted.

I'm hopeless

I'm ambivalent.

And it's hard to believe that those things could ever change.

They are a part of me now, and I believe they always will be.



Day 21-

What is your goal in life?

As do others I have many goals in my life. To name a few would be go to school for Elementary ED, get a job that I enjoy, move out and become more independent, meet new people, travel to CA, and plenty more.  But I think that my number one goal in life is to find true happiness. Ya ya ya I know it sounds so cliche but the facts are the facts. I truly believe that with happiness anything is possible, and with happiness life is just that much better. I crave that feeling of waking up everyday, looking out at the sun shining, and looking forward to starting my day. I want to be excited about facing each new day and what it has to offer me. I want to be able to be more optimistic and focus on the good things that I do have in my life; not the imperfections or the things that I want and don't have. That's all a waste of time, and life will fly by. With happiness comes good health, family, and friends. I want to be able to radiate my happiness onto someone else, and make their days just a little brighter. I want to be able to look back on my life when I'm 80 years old and be able to honestly say to myself that I lived a life full of happiness. I'm not expecting every single moment to be happy, because that's just unrealistic, but I know if I search for it hard enough I can find it. 

I'm nervous for today. I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30 and then nutritionist at 12. It seems like they never go okay, therefore I'm freaking out a little bit. But, I know that worrying will only make it worse, so my goal is to try to be as optimistic as I can be, stay calm, and pray that God be with me.

Leo Horoscopes for the Day-

If you follow well-marked roads your trip will be shorter and you won't get lost. Stick to the tried and true and don't experiment for the moment. You'll find support from elements that might otherwise pull away. Don't rock the boat and the boat will get you where you want to go. Traditional wisdom supports you, believe in it.

Let everyone know what your plans are and you will receive help getting to where you want to go. There is money to be made and deals to be struck. A proposal you weren't expecting will catch you off guard. Don't hesitate.



Day 20-

Whom do you admire most?

When I think about this question, immediately one person in particular came to mind. Ever since the day I met her, there was always something that stood out to me, I'm not sure what it is exactly but it's a mix of things. this person would be my best friend's mom Mrs. Hassett. She is one of the most loving, supportive, driven person I have ever met. Ever since the first day I met her until now she has been basically a second mother to me. She was there for me when my mom passed away and she has been there for me through battling with my eating disorder. Her spirit is just so welcoming and it reels you in. She is one of the people I feel I can actually be myself around. I can tell her literally anything and she is always there to listen, and she has never judged me. I trust her so much. I'm so happy I got close to Kate because it then formed a special bond between her mom and I. I feel like I'm just like her in some ways. We both love girly clothes and accessories, we are understanding and always willing to listen and give advice, and being fit is something that's important to both of us. She knows me so well and I'm basically her own. I love going over her house just to hang and talk. I always look forward to the vacation with her, Kate, and Mr. Hassett to Hampton Beach every August. It's basically like a family vacation and I'm so happy I have been a part of that tradition for the past few years. For the past 2 years especially she has been one of the most supportive people. She continually has stuck by my side and has done whatever she can to help me push through this hard time. She is so understanding, and respects my needs and what I want right now. She always sends me emails to update me with what's been going on, and continually tells me that whenever I'm ready to see her, she'll be right there waiting for me with open arms. I know she misses me so much, and I miss her as well. I hope that I can get the courage to drop by and see her soon. She is one of the first people I would go to, because I know she wouldn't judge me and that makes me feel better. I hope she knows that she means so much to me, and always will. I want her to realize how much of an impact she has had on my life and I am so grateful that I have gotten so close to her. She is literally my second mother, and I know my mom is looking down and is so happy that I have found someone like that. I hope to always be her second daughter.

 I honestly don't think I can do this anymore.

Quick rant.

I think people need to know and be aware that I don't like being told that I'm doing a "good job." I don't like hearing that I seem happier, or that I'm doing better, or that I look better. I hate to say it but I dread hearing all of that. Hence the reason why I talk to no one and don't want to see anyone. No one undertands why I wouldn't want to hear that, but I don't. Point blank. The last thing I want to be told is that I look better. Don't even go there, I'm warning you. That's basically just setting me up to dig really deep into my ED more than I already am. I'm telling you that as a result I WILL start using behaviors more, and I will start going backwards. Those words can make or break me. Want to know why? Because I still don't want to be "normal." I WANT to look unhealthy and sick. I want people to notice that and not that I look bigger and that I've gained weight. I don't want to hear someone say they were happy that they saw me smile for a little today.Ya I know it's fucked up but please just don't say any of that. I'm not saying that if you do you are the only cause of me going back to my ED, but honestly your a part of it. I'm just trying to let everyone know how I feel and how I think. I know people aren't trying to do it to be mean or set me up to fail, I know they mean no harm by it, but people just don't understand that I twist anything anyone says to me. I'm sorry I sound like a brat and a bitch but  just had to put it out there. I still see me leaving my ED as a sign of weakness and therefore I don't want to be congratulated for it. I'm not ready or willing to hear and accept that yet. But like I said, I know none of you do it to hurt me, I know you all care. ut if you really do care about me and my feelings, then you will just remind yourself of this, and keep in mind the way that I think. Thank you. Rant over.

Day 19-

Your best friend just died. What's your reaction?

Why would anyone ever be asked this question, it's so sad and depressing to even think about for a minute. I don't even know where to begin. My best friend means more to me than I think she really knows. I mean I'm not really one to be all gushy and say everything I feel just because I'm afraid of being judged or sounding weird and obsessive or something, but she means a lot to me. When we first met we weren't BFF's or anything close to that, but somewhere along the road of the past 10 years we turned into just that. Actually, more like sisters. I started going on vacation every summer with her family, we cheered basically every day together, went to school together, had the same friends, did the same things and so on. We've always shared this special connection and understanding of each other that I don't think anyone will really ever understand. I think we're complete opposites. She is smart, going to a great school, tall, skinny, brunette, blue/green eyes, outgoing, impatient, bad at hiding her bitchiness, always needs to be doing something, loves to be around people all the time, meet new people, discover new places and things, and just live life the best way possible every day. And I'm blond, brown eyes, quiet and reserved, patient, tend to hide how I feel, not really share my opinion because of being judged, would rather be alone doing my own thing than being out all the time doing stuff with people, and I'm afraid of new things and experiences. But I know the one thing we have in common is our understanding of each other, and our relationship. We can both agree that we've never had someone like each other in our lives, no one has ever been even close to that same. For me, it's not even possible and it's better that it's that way. I admire her so much as a person, best friend, and sister. She is someone I can rely on with anything and I know that no matter what she will ALWAYS be there for me through thick and thin. She's proven that to me in the past year with my ED. She has non stop supported me and has been there for me even though I've been an asshole at times and pushed her away, or didn't return her texts or emails, but yet she is still standing beside me today just like she always has. I can't even imagine how I would react if she died. I would feel as though a part of me had be ripped out. She is one of the only people I trust with my entire life, and she makes me feel like something. If that was gone, I would be gone. I wouldn't be able to continue living, and I would probably take my life. Although I know she wouldn't want that, so maybe I would live my life for her, and carry on her spirit for others. I have the dream that we will always be friends until the day we both die, we will be each other's maid of honor at our weddings, we will be each other's godparents to our children, our husbands and kids will be best friends, and the traditions that we've always had will continue to live on. I picture our lives together just like the movie Bride Wars. We call it "our movie" because that's basically us in a nutshell. I hope that she never leaves me before she should because I don't know what I would do without her. And I want her to know that no matter what happens and what has happened lately I will always always be there by her side through thick and thin whenever she needs me. She can rely 100% on that. I promise.

"It was quite a wedding and as I stood there watching I realized something I'd forgotten a long time ago. Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."

- Bride Wars