I can't pull myself out. I am falling faster and faster.

How can I let this happen? Why is ED so convincing and strong right now?

Why can't I ignore him and listen to the good voice?

ED is winning all of the battles. I just don't have the energy anymore.

I have no fight left in me. Not for me at least.

I'm still eating for Dad. He's the reason I am doing this.

ED hates it. He is jealous because he isn't the most important man in my life, but he is pretty far up there. He tells me it's not worth it anymore. He tells me that Dad doesn't care if I get fat or if I'm uncomfortable. He says he just wants me to get over this shit because it is causing him too many problems.

ED makes me feel so guilty for putting this problem on him and everyone else.

But he tells me to keep doing it so I can get the worry and care that I wouldn't get

if I was recovered. ED seems so right.

Why would people still worry about me and care about me if I wasn't dying?

It makes sense.

I don't want to fall back into the invisible bubble where I felt I was before.

It's like I'd rather put myself through this hell than just being "someone in the crowd."

I want to be special, and the only way I can be unique and noticed

is if I am sickly thin.

It gives me a rush of power and existence.

Although it drains me of everything in my entire being and body,

it makes me feel supernatural.

Like I am on top of the world and that I actually am a somebody.

Without that I am nothing. I am just a fat nothing.

No job, no money, no education, no friends, no beauty, nothing.

My eating disorder is all that I have right now, so I'm just going with it.

I just can't seem to fight anymore. At least not as hard as I have been. I see no point.

I will never be happy anyway. I won't be happy with ED because there is never a point of satisfaction, and I won't be happy without ED because I will feel like nothing.

It's a lose lose situation, and I just want to throw in the towel right now and say FUCK IT.

I feel so nsjnjsanjcnkjcfnasjcnfjs right now.

My mind is going up and down right and left and there is no stopping it.

My memory and concentration are fading. I don't know whats happening.

My depression has hit a high again and my ambivalence is coming on strong.

I want nothing to do with recovery today.

I feel so disgustingly fat. I am a beast, a pig, a fat cow.

That's because I AM. What I am seeing is real, and it's killing me.

I just remembered I didn't blog last night.

Me and Denise went to Newport at night just to sit on the beach and walk around.

Before we left I went to get my hair cut and colored and it felt so good.

The day went by fast but I felt so shitty and really didn't even want to go anymore.

All I wanted to do was cut and exercise and I couldn't those things if I wasn't home.

I put on a fake happy face and dealt with it, I didn't need Denise down my throat.

It was beautiful out and that was really the only good thing about the trip.

We got there and sat on the beach. I was there for 2 seconds and I already wanted to leave.

In every direction there was a girl or woman with a bathing suit.

They were everywhere.

I couldn't get them out of my sight. ED was screaming,

telling me how much smaller they are than me.

Telling me that I would be embarrassed if I was in a bathing suit, that I would be the infamous "beached whale." I told Denise that I was really triggered and she tried to talk to me telling me I was being irrational. I thought to myself "But I am not! EVERYONE is smaller than me." I told her how I was comparing myself to literally every girl of every age. Even younger girls, staring them up and down wishing I had their small frames and bodies, oh how I wished to just be small like them. It's not fair. She told me that it was really sad hearing that I compared myself to everyone and she is sad that ED is taking so much away from me. i didn't speak, I didn't say anything. I couldn't hear her after awhile, the voice started to fade away. I looked at the ocean and then looked at my dinner, listening to ED telling me to "drop" it in the sand. Or throw it away when she wasn't looking. I told her I didn't want to eat, and I really didn't. How could I? How could I even manage to stuff myself when I am already bigger than all of these people around me? The tears fell behind my sunglasses but no one knew except me and ED.

ED didn't feel bad, he told me I deserved it. I do.

I slowly ate dinner but picked at it the best I could. I felt nauseous I felt like I wanted to purge right on the beach and just say I didn't feel good. I layed on my stomach so I wouldn't have to feel all of my rolls. It didn't help. ED wouldn't go away. He made me sit every different way and feel my body. He wanted to show me how fat I was. He told me that I needed to go walking as soon as possible so it could be for a long time. I told Denise I wanted to walk. I needed to walk. I needed to exercise, something. We drove around looking for a side street to park on and we were lost. I was getting anxious looking at the clock and ED was in my mind telling me that I NEED to walk for a long time. I was getting angry. She seemed so "whatever" and carefree and all I wanted to do was power walk. We finally found a street and started walking. I ended up wearing the worst shoes and I could feel blisters forming. ED made me walk faster. "Don't say anything" he said. "Just walk faster, don't stop, push through the pain, it will be worth it, you're working off all of that gross food you just had, keep going." I wanted to cry, it hurt so bad, but I kept quiet. I didn't make a sound. We got back to the car and I had my snack. I crushed my snack up and picked at it in the dark. I couldn't bear to put another thing in my fat stomach. I was dozing in and out of sleep on the way home. The sound of the air from the window brought me into a sleeping mode. The ride took forever and all I wanted to do was get home to catch up on my exercise. I was so tired, I was so weak, but I NEEDED to do it. I wouldn't be able to function if I didn't. Doing it is the only option. We finally go home at about 11 and I went straight to my room, made sure the coast was clear, and went. My heart racing, my pulse rising, my muscles pulsing, it felt like a huge rush. I could now relax, now everything was okay. Until I looked in the mirror and was brought back down to reality. A fat girl stared back at me in the face. I tried to avoid it but it was still in my head. I went on Tumblr for a bit and chatted with a girl I met on there who I love, and I uploaded a picture of my new hair because someone asked me to. I look disgusting but whatever. I then fell into a deep sleep, waiting for the morning to come, and another dreadful day to follow.

This morning I awoke not wanting to move from my bed.

It would be so much easier. No mirror, no food, no guilt, nothing.

But that wasn't an option, I can't bring the attention to me,

I just need to go on my merry way pretending.

Today was the day that Dad and Papa were coming home. I was slightly excited but ED was mad because that is just another person to get in the way of him. He told me I better not change anything just because he would be coming up, that's not allowed.

I started my morning with breakfast and cut it down a little bit. Oops. Win for ED.

I mean I still ate, just not as much. I did okay. Could've been worse.

I went to weigh myself and I was so deathly scared of what I would see.

One part of me wanted to see a higher number so I could be relieved for my appointment,

but then the other part wanted to see the same number or a smaller one.

The store always seems to be busy with old people on Sunday mornings so that makes me even more anxious. I went to the aisle, pretended I was just looking around, and brought it to the back of the aisle where no one could see me. I quickly put it down, and stepped on. Up .4 from Friday, up .2 from my appointment. I thought to myself "Okay, this needs to happen, you need to get used to the number going up, it could be a lot worse it could be a pound but it's not, just take it as it is." I tried. I tried to just brush it off and realize that by making that increase on my own I did the right thing, and I guess I did, unless the scale was just fucking with me. Better not be. It makes me feel so guilty to see the number go up. I feel so much fatter as soon as I step off.

A rush of sadness hits me like a pile of bricks. It's the worst feeling.

I left and went to church but could barely concentrate. I wore leggings and a long shirt and I was so self conscious. ED told me how fat my thighs looked, and how everyone was going to look at them. I am most self conscious about them and my stomach, but I tried to hide my fat stomach under a baggy shirt. But of course that barely works because there is too much fat there. I never can hide it. All I wanted to do was get out of there and the time finally came. I rushed home dreading to have my snack. I felt gross, that number still flashing in my head. So much guilt and shame following it. I slowly put my snack together, sat down, and ate it slowly. Bite after bite, feeling like shards of glass going down my throat. I am so afraid to eat again. Afraid of what it will do to me. It is nothing but bad. It is doing nothing but making me fat. I don't need anymore fat on me. I was daydreaming and somehow the time flew. Denise asked me to go to the grocery store and get some things for the week. I was there forever and was so anxious I would see someone. I went as fast as I could but it wasn't fast enough. I was late for lunch and was practically going 50mph on the way home. ED was yelling, but so was Mrs. Perfectionist. She hates when I'm late, and it makes me anxious. I rushed home quickly put everything away and started making lunch. Luckily Denise was going out to mow the lawn so i would be on my own inside. Nothing to hide, I could do whatever. And that is just what I did. Well, what I normally do. I felt such a rush, I felt like such a rebel for some reason, I'm not sure why because I was doing nothing different than I usually do. I don't know. The time went by fast after that too and I was on Tumblr for awhile because I love it, and I love when people compliment me on my blog and that they love it! Makes me feel good. Anyway I ran out to another store to get something specific for Dad so he wouldn't freak when he got home, and then I came home and made some muffins for the family for the week. I made them super low calorie so i can have them for my snacks, and they are fat free. Sweet deal. Then I had dumb snack and cleaned my cats eating areas and then Dad and Papa arrived. I was so anxious, I wanted to hide. ED wanted me to hide too. I was worried about what Papa would say to me. "Would he say I look better? Will he comment on my food and when I eat and what I eat?" I was so scared. I saw Dad and it was so great to give him a hug. I missed him, although we don't communicate much. I finally saw Papa and it wasn't bad at all. But ED made me feel bad because of the fact that Papa didn't say that I looked bad or thin. I must really be that fat. It's true. I was annoyed at first because Papa just kept talking and talking and I was honestly blocking him out. I just couldn't listen. I told him about my tattoo I want because he asked what I wanted for my birthday. I wonder if he would give me money for it. I would love that. I was getting anxious as time was getting closer to dinner. I was afraid that he would sit with me or something when I ate but Denise and Dad saved me and sat outside with him. ED was mad that they were only feet away and they could see me eating, but he said I still need to do what I usually do, and I did. I almost restricted but didn't. I don't know what stopped me. I'm so anxious right now because I have walked practically every night and I am not walking tonight because Papa is here. ED is telling me that I need to exercise more now. I am debating it in my head. I don't know what to do. I am afraid I will be so much fatter tomorrow if I don't. AND I ate more today. Fuck. I DON'T KNOW. But, I did run today, but still ED says that doesn't count because it wasn't after dinner. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Fuck. I fucking hate this shit. I can't do it.

I can't believe tomorrow is August. Shit, where has the time gone?

It's my birthday month! Not like there is anything to celebrate,

just another day of shit.

Everyone is asking me what I want, and I have been saying nothing, but now I know what the best gift would be; letting me lose weight. But that is too big of a gift for anyone to give. I would be happy with that. Don't people want to make me happy? Guess not. I won't be doing anything other than what I usually do for my birthday. I am refusing to go out to eat for Dad's too. I don't want to be pressured. Fuck, We'll see when the time comes. Which is Friday.

So, it's the start of a new month and a new week tomorrow. I don't want it to start. All I am thinking about is all of the things that I DON'T want to do. Aka appointments, volunteering, and other appointments. Oh and just being forced to be social more than I am used to.

I want nothing to do with anything right now.

I have no energy, I have no life, I have nothing.

Why? Why is all of this happening? Why am I slipping again?

I mean I know I won't be perfect, but I reaaaally feel like I am falling back.

I can't say anything. I can't. I don't want the help. Plus no one can help me anyways.

I'm a fucked up mess and only I can save myself, but I don't know if I even want to.

I've been this way for awhile so I might as well stay this way right?

I deserve this. I know I do.

Fuck. Snack is in a half an hour and I want to just go to bed. My stomach is full of food that I don't need and it is wearing on me. I can't do this all over again every single day. I just want to fucking give up.

Maybe I will, maybe that's all I can do at this point.



I'm scared. I'm scared to death.

ED is killing my mind more and more everyday. I'm going crazy.

I am becoming more and more hopeless. I see no future right now.

Nothing besides this hell. I deserve to be going through this.

I don't deserve to be loved or happy. If I did, none of this would be happening.

Why? That's the one question I seem to continually ask myself.

But I will never get an answer no matter how many times I ask.

That is killing me.

Today seems like a total blur.

I was so depressed and I still am. I don't know what to do with myself.

I just want to be alone, but that means ED has that much more control over my thoughts.

For some reason I feel more comfortable isolating and being alone with ED.

It makes no sense really. It's so crazy that I see being this way as a comfort.

Or I should say, its just because I am used to it.

I am feeling so hopeless. I just have so much self hate right now.

I wish I could escape from this body, from myself, this entire world.

I wish I could go to a place where I could live my own life however I wanted with myself only.

I was home alone today and I could definitely tell a difference.

Even though when Dad and Denise are home they don't really talk to me, I still have the comfort of someone being there. It's like I want to be alone but not completely alone.

I hate the fact that today was the last day I will have to myself for the next two weeks.

My Papa is staying with us for my Dad's and my birthdays so 2 weeks.

I am really anxious about having him around. What will he say to me?

Will he watch me when I eat? Will he say I look better. EW I hope not.

Deep down I know he will just be happy to see me, and I love him for that. But still I wish I could just have my peace and quiet with my regular schedule.

I hope we won't be doing  alot of extra things when he is here. It makes me uncomfortable.

I don't know what they expect me to do with our birthdays but obviously I'm not going out to eat.

My birthday is a waste of a day. Why would everyone want to celebrate me being here when I am basically dead anyway? I don't want the attention on me. I don't need it.

I wonder what I will be getting this year. I know for sure I am getting a custom made sterling silver ring with a bird on it but because that has been my thing throughout my eating disorder and recovery.

I am also getting my hair done tomorrow for my birthday and I need it badly. Then I showed Denise a sweatshirt I wanted from Victoria's but I don't know if I'll get it. I don't know what Dad or Papa will get me. Probably just money or something, but Dad always gives good gifts. We'll see.

Anyway, I got off track.

So today has been rough. I have been drowning in my depression.

Breakfast was hard. Actually all my meals and snacks were hard today.

Mostly because I increased me meal plan on my own today.

Why? Because I weighed myself and I was down .2! Fucking fuck me.

I can't lose again this week. I can't. I hate how I lost but I feel SO FAT. It's depressing.

I hate that I am that much farther away from gaining. I'm so dumb I hate my body.

Now I have to gain that .2 back which I think I will since I increased my meal plan and I may even gain some more. Fuck it's going to suck. I am not doing good at all. I mean I'm following my meal plan but I am not finishing meals and snacks completely, and I am using behaviors still.

I can't stop counting calories and it is making me so anxious but I can't stop.

ED is making me do so many things. I can't even tell you how many times I looked in the mirror today. It's disgusting. I feel so self centered.

Other than weighing myself I went to the grocery store and then came home and had lunch.

I had my increase right before lunch and it sucked. I regretted it. I don't know if it will be enough, but it will be something. Hopefully it is enough and it doesn't fuck me over.

I was really uncomfortable after lunch and was so full.

I tried to distract by cleaning and it helped. After that I had snack while watching America's Next Top Model. BAD CHOICE. I wasn't even focusing on the show. I was too busy looking at all of the stick thin models getting jealous that they probably all had eating disorders and they are able to get away with it.

ED wasn't happy. He was screaming. He was telling me how fat I was compared to them and how I should be ashamed that I even had snack. I have to admit I felt really shitty and fat.

I felt really bad after snack too and couldn't stop looking in the mirror. All I saw was more and more fat every time. Gross and depressing. I made dinner and wanted nothing to do with it. I could have easily skipped it since Denise wasn't home but I couldn't. That would only fuck everything up.

I want to fucking starve so badly right now. I miss that empty feeling in my stomach and my stomach growling so loud and shutting it up with a million pieces of gum and Crystal Light. I miss those days. I miss actually looking like I am sick. Now I'm just a FAT FUCK. Sorry I'm annoying but it's your choice to read this or not. I know, it's nonsense. I'm sorry I just feel so bad. I want to give up more than I have in awhile. I see no point, I see no happy ending.

I kind of have a busy day tomorrow. I guess it's good because Saturdays are always hard for me.

I don't have anything in the AM but I have a hair appointment to get a cut and color in the afternoon. I am really looking forward to it because I reaaaally need it so badly. I just like getting my hair done in general, it feels good.

But I have to go right after lunch and I am going to be rushed and anxious because I will be sitting for awhile after lunch. Eh. I NEED to exercise when I get home. I need to pre-make my snack because me and Denise are going up to Newport again for the evening to do what we did the other night.

I guess it's good to get away for a little, but it makes me anxious because it is out of my environment and mostly because I can't exercise or make sure I haven't gotten a million times fatter.

At least I will be moving around tomorrow and will be walking alot. i still am so anxious about eating in front of her. I hate it. I want to use behaviors but I can't, and ED screams at me telling me how I am a failure and a pig. I just want to listen to him and shut him up. But it's no use, it never works.

SO that is my day tomorrow, and I am anxious to wake up because of my added increase today.

Please don't make me look fatter, please don't make me look fatter.

I am even more scared to have it tomorrow. I was thinking about tomorrow and I am for some reason so scared to eat. I usually have no emotion about it and I am a robot but now I am deathly afraid of it, but I can't show it. No one can know.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow and deal with this.

It's the last day before Dad and Papa come home. I miss Dad and it will get Denise off of my back.

Snack sucked and I feel terrible. I need to exercise. I do. I can feel my muscles turning into fat.

I am exhausted but will probably go on Tumblr because I'm addicted. I have been talking to some girls more personally and I love getting to know them. I love talking to people who get it, I feel like I know them. But ya, time to get off here. Maybe I won't wake up? That would be nice. I wouldn't mind sleeping forever. I'm sick of this. All of it.



I really am too lazy to blog tonight.

I'll write a summary of my day I guess quickly.

Not much happened. Denise was home for the day working but didn't bother me really.

I went to my appointment in the morning and it was just a weigh in.

I was so anxious and was expecting to have to talk to Dr. Gupta because I lost weight this week.

I was proud because after I peed this time I didn't drink from the faucet to make up for it.

I figured it would be a good time because I lost weight anyway. I'm glad I am out of that habit.

But anyway I was nervous because I still had lost weight.

I stepped on the scale and was expecting the nurse to be blah about it because I lost.

To my surprise she said "You're all set" in a really peppy tone and asked if I was seeing Dr. Gupta next week and I said yes. She didn't say anything about talking to her today.

I ran out of there as fast as I could just in case they called me and made me go back up.

I walked out so confused. Because the scale said that I did lose. Unless my weight went back up to what it was last week in the matter of a day but I highly doubt that. And it's not like I water loaded or anything, I had my regular snack and stuff, so I was confused and still am.

I wanted to go check my weight on my way home but I figured I could just wait and check it tomorrow.

I just don't understand. I thought it would be a big deal if I lost but I guess not.

Maybe I did gain it back? Ah I don't know. I'll find out tomorrow.

I left my appointment very happy but confused but it was better than I thought it would be so I wasn't complaining. I was so nervous this morning and Denise could tell, and she knew I was struggling this week and said to me that whatever happens happens and its okay.

I came home and she asked how it went and I said fine. She said well you're happy aren't you? I was still depressed for some reason. I still felt fat even though I lost. She didn't get it and I didn't want to express how I was feeling. I put on an act just to make her think I was okay.

After that I had lunch and did really bad with it but I always do.

I Tumblred for a little bit and caught up with my other blog reading then ran a few errands for Denise.

Came home and had snack while watching New Moon then, then had dinner and did bad.

I was supposed to do yoga for the first time tonight at a studio downtown but Denise said it might be better to skip this week because I had been struggling just to be safe.

So we'll do it in a few weeks when my Papa leaves.

We went on a walk instead and it was refreshing. And of course ED loves exercise.

I made an appointment to get my hair cut and colored for Saturday too! She managed to fit me in.

So that will be good. And then Denise and I will go to Newport like we did the other night and just shop, walk the Cliff walk, and sit on the beach. I hate how i have to eat in front of her and wont be home to exercise so I'll just restrict a little.

Oh and I didn't see Julie today which meant no increase. This makes me anxious because I lost and I even increased my meal plan this week! I decided to email her but she is out of the office until Monday. I am debating on adding something myself, yet I don't want to. I know I probably should, but ED is telling me I will get away with it since I couldn't control the fact that she wasn't in the office, so if I lose I'll have an excuse. I need to pretend I am struggling this week, and it probably won't be pretend though. I

m not doing well. Eating and Exercise is bad. So is body image. I can't bear to gain more weight. I'm FAT. Fucking fat and huge and disgusting. There is flab everywhere. I hate myself.

And oh perfect. Time to have my snack and make myself even more fat,

exercise is calling my name and you bet I will respond. I know I shouldn't but I've been doing it all of this time anyway so why stop? My body is used to it by now. Besides it's not that much anyway. Screw it.

Not up to much tomorrow. Home alone thank god. I'll clean and go grocery shopping.

Blah. I fucking hate this shit. Actually everything. Get me out of this nightmare.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I am so tired. I am so drained. I am so lost.

ED is telling me to go one way and recovery is telling me to go the other.

Once I start to go on one path, I automatically switch to the other. I can't make up my mind.

ED or recovery? Life or death? Happiness or depression?

This shouldn't be this hard. Right? Wrong.

I hate myself for still wanting to be with ED; I am still running back into his arms.

He is up to no good, and he is turning me more and more into a monster. His little creation.

I am listening, sometimes. Sometimes he wins, sometimes I win.

He is creeping back in more and more the past few days, or week I should say.

Why? Why now? Why when I was going on a few good weeks as far as weight and appointments? Why does he have to ruin everything now? All my hard work has been thrown out the door.

I'm left with nothing but guilt, shame, and self hate.

It seems when everything starts to look up, or if I have an okay day, then unexpectedly it all comes crashing down on me. I wish everything would just be one way or the other.

I wish God would make up his mind! I wish I knew the reasoning behind all of this.

AM I not working hard enough? Do I need to do more?

Well, this is all I am capable of right now at this time. I can only do the bare minimum just to get by and survive. I'm not living, I'm merely existing. I am a robot, every week is the same, I wear the same clothes, I feel the same feelings, I eat the same food, etc.

Part of me so badly wants a change, but then I get afraid and cling to ED.

I am afraid of doing things that ED isn't really a part of. It just doesn't feel right to me.

He makes me feel guilty if I have one moment where I am not depressed. He tells me I don't deserve to be happy, and maybe I don't. I don't believe that I do at this point in time.

I feel like I am going to be stuck in this same place years from now all because of my intense fear of the real world and being "normal." I don't want to be, yet at the same time I do. I wish I could wear normal clothes and go shopping, I wish I could have a job, I wish I could be going to school, I wish I could be going out and partying with friends, I wish I could work out, I wish I could eat how I want when I want to if I even want to at all, I wish I could live my own life and not have other people hovering over me. But at the same time I don't want to look put together because then people will assume I am. No one can see inside of me besides myself. I can hide all of my hurt and pain from everyone and put on that fake smile, but part of me still wants the care and worry that I have now, or more so when I was in treatment. See, people don't care now because I have been home for 7 months. People assume I'm okay. I'm not okay. I am still struggling every second of everyday. Do I have moments where things start to look up and I may be positive for a second? Yes, and they are becoming more frequent, but that doesn't mean that I am any better. I still loath my entire being and I wish I could just erase my existence. I'm basically already dead anyway, I'm not living. Then part of me thinks, "Fuck everyone else and what they think. People who really care won't assume that I am all better just because I may not be emaciated, so why do I care so much?" But the problem is, I still think people who may care WILL think I'm okay. People just don't get it. Only me, Dad, Denise, and my team. We are living it everyday together, and everyone on the outside isn't. I wish everyone could understand, it wouldn't be so hard. I'm still afraid to reach out to people because of this whole normal thing. And the fact that I still have to gain weight. Yeah, STILL. It's taken me 7 fucking months to gain 4lbs. Fuck me. It should've taken 4 weeks! I have a ways to go. About the same amount. It's depressing, but I have no other option. This or treatment. I'm afraid that once I am weight restored now I won't have anything to focus on. Thinking of what I will do with myself is overwhelming and I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to set goals for myself because I am afraid I will never reach them. I am procrastinating my future because I am so afraid, and because I don't want to let go of ED. I'm just not ready.

Today has flown by it seems like.

I feel like I am so busy lately, and it kind of feels like a weight is lifted off my shoulders because ED is kind of in the background, but he makes me feel even worse because he doesn't like when the attention is off of him. He's trying to reel me back in and I have to say he is doing a pretty good job of it.

After seeing the number yesterday and seeing that it was still down, I tried not to exercise as much, and I didn't. Not much less, but it's still something.

I went to bed feeling anxious, and woke up feeling even more anxious.

I wanted nothing to do with volunteering or eating, or anything.

I wanted to stay in bed forever and sleep. Sleep my thoughts away. It is the only escape I have.

I didn't want to face the dreaded mirror. It hates me, and i hate it.

The second I looked at myself tears came in my eyes. I still don't understand how I have lost 1.2 lbs since last week. I don't understand. I did nothing differently than last week, and I increased my meal plan on my own. How could it go down THAT much? I hate my body, and it hates me clearly. I can never trust what it is going to do.

I quickly had breakfast and barely finished it. It was hard today just because I felt so bad.

I kept stretching out my shirt so no one could see my fat protruding stomach, but it wasn't working. I can never hide it. It's impossible.

I drove to volunteering and really wanted nothing to do with it.

I just get so bored because it is the same exact schedule everyday and I feel like I just sit around.

Today was a little better I suppose. This one little girl Grace sat in my lap and shoved book after book in my face to read to her. She is so cute, and I'm happy we are making a connection.

Then this other girl Sienna who has a more severe case of special needs came over ans sat right in my lap. She is adorable. Being around these kids kind of opens my eyes up to how other people have it. It makes me feel guilty that I am wasting my life like this, but I am not doing it on purpose, no matter how much everyone says I am.

I was there for a few hours and then drove home and stopped to check the number.

I was praying that it was up and not down. At least .2 so i would only lose 1lb but it was the same as yesterday. My heart dropped. There was no way of getting out of this one. Thought came into my head about waterloading and faking my weight, but i will never go back to that. I have learned that it only makes matters worse, and I will always get caught. I got nervous thinking about how Dr. Gupta would react. I have no way around it now. Whatever happens happens. I can't change the past at this point.

After that dreadful ride I came home, showered, made lunch, Tumblred and was off yet again to go to Trader Joe's for my weekly trip and then therapy.

I was browsing around the store like always looking like a psycho looking at every nutrition label there is.

I feel so dumb. The same exact guy comes to me every time and asks if I need anything. NO I would fucking ask if I did. It's so annoying, but I know it's their job.

I left and drove to therapy, and had my snack. After seeing the number and that it was the same I told myself I would finish all of my meals and snacks completely and not exercise at all. Well, that didn't last long unfortunately. ED got to me. He has won, and he will continue to win. I just don't have the energy to fight right now, and I think that I already fucked up and lost so what's the point? Nothing will change the fact that I lost so why try? I know it's not the right choice rationally but I can't help it right now. I just can't.

But anyway, I went to therapy and I was debating on telling her that last week at my appointment with Julie I lied to her and told her I wasn't following my meal plan at all as far as my increase just so she wouldn't give me a new one. Then I realized that I fucked myself and I was losing so then I made my own increase, the one that I gained .8lbs on. But I couldn't say to her that I knew I lost because she doesn't know i am weighing myself. But anyway, as soon as I got into her office I said that ED was screaming at me telling me not to tell her the truth about something that happened at my appointment, but I said I wanted to let it out. I ended up telling her and felt  alot better afterwards. I know she didn't judge me which felt a lot better. She just asked why I thought ED made me do something like that and I figured it was just because he wanted me to say a big F YOU to her and show her that I didn't need an increase, but clearly that fucked me over and I was wrong. She asked if i was going to tell Julie and I honestly didn't even think of it. I am not seeing her tomorrow so i will just send her an email. I am afraid she will never trust me now. But I think she'll appreciate that I am saying anything to her. But I told Lindsey and we talked about other stuff and clothes shopping and trying to wear different things and experiment to see if it will make me feel any better, and we talked about how I am set on having the perfect recovery but that is impossible. I'm just feeling really all over the place right now. I am so ambivalent but I didn't say anything about that. Overall it was good to talk to her and get some stuff out that i can't with Denise and Dad. I came home to an empty house because Denise was out having dinner with a friend and I didn't mind. I was SO CLOSE to not exercising, but then ED came in and said that it was no use, and that I already fucked up anyway. I gave in. I just felt so fat. I had to. I made dinner and of course used my behaviors. I feel so guilty, but that doesn't overrule how fat I feel. It never does. ED is fucking continuing to win, I don't know for how long either. I have been home ever since then and have been feeling pretty shitty. When I came home after talking about clothes with Lindsey I was tempted to try on some of mine. I knew I was going to be disappointed and I was. I almost fit into my old clothes but they are still big, meaning my jeans. I don't try on shirts. But then there is this other pair that is way smaller and they are falling off of me. I hate how all stores are different. It makes this whole process so much harder. I tried on some stuff and looked fat and terrible. I don;t know if I can ever wear normal clothes, especially because of the fact that i still have weight to gain. I'm hoping it doesn't make a terribly huge difference but with my luck it will. I hope not. Please please please. I can't let my stomach muscles go away or my thigh gap or my collar bones. No way. I'm so scared and anxious as I am watching my body change. But i wonder if I still look thin to people. I don;t see it, I feel like I look normal but i don't know how others see me now. I care a lot what everyone thinks. Clearly.

I'm just feeling really shitty right now. FAT FAT FAT FAT.

I'm a fat fuck and that is clear. AN oh, I'm just going to get fatter. JOY.

I am dreading tomorrow. Dreading.

But it's weird because at the same time I am pretty calm.

I think maybe because I got that stuff off of my chest and I know deep down that I did the right thing by increasing my meal plan on my own, and that's all I can do. I did nothing differently this week, and maybe my body is just out of wack. Sometimes I gain a lot, sometimes I don't. Maybe the heat has something to do with it too, because dehydration can make you lose weight. I don't know but it's fucked.

I only have a weigh in tomorrow but I have a feeling that since I lost weight they will tell her and she will want to talked to me about it. Especially because I have lost a lot compared to other weeks.

I feel like she won't believe me when i say I really did nothing different.

I'm afraid to tell her that I lied to Julie because I don't want her to be disappointed.

I am really honestly going to say that I did the right thing by doing my own increase and that's all I can do.

She can believe me or not, but I know deep down I did okay this week.

But its' just so frustrating that no one else can see that. For that reason I don't even want to try.

I really hope I won't have to see her, but I just have a feeling. Maybe I won't have the nurse who knows what she's doing but I just have a bad feeling. I don't know.

BUT, I decided that after I pee tomorrow I will not be drinking from the faucet.

I decided that since I lost anyway this would be a good time to stop that habit. ED is making me feel bad but i HATE doing it! I am afraid i will get caught, and I want to stop before I do. Maybe I just won't pee as much. I don't know. I will still chug my juice ans smoothie before hand just cause its my snack. Since Dad is away i will be going on my own. I honestly think a part of me feeling not as anxious is because Dad isn't here to yell at me. I would be so much more scared if he was here.

I don't have an appointment with Julie tomorrow but I will email her. But I am nervous because I think she may be on vacation, but she didn't mention anything to me about it last week. If she isn't here I will be fucked. Because she won't tell me what I need to increase. SO I'm anxious about it. And I'm anxious as to what my increase will be. I can't stop calorie counting and I freaking out. But clearly since I lost this week my body is eating up everything. But i am scared because this week will be such a high increase calorie wise and I'm afraid my body will react to that and I will gain so much. Blah. But I have to gain anyway! UGHHHHH I don't want to. I'm so fat right now.

Other than my appointments Denise and I talked about maybe going up to Newport again for the day but we haven't talked much about it so i doubt we're still going. Whatever. That means I won't be stressed about food and exercise. Fine by me.

So tomorrow shall be a low key day with nothing really. It's a low cal day which makes me feel a little better but makes me scared for the day after. Bleeeeeeeeeeh.

Time for snack. Fuck me. I'm fat and gross and don't need food.

Oh and Denise just asked me if I skipped dinner. Uh why would I do that? I don't even get why she was suspicious in the first place. She knows I'm struggling because last night I told her I want to give up, and i do. But treatment isn't worth giving up to me. Fuck no.

SO that means, I have to have snack and suck it up.

Someone come here and have it for me? You need it more than me I'm sure.

K bye. Pray for me and my appointment tomorrow please! xx

I AM a monster.

That is all I am. ED has made me become this way, and I will forever be this way.

I didn't blog yesterday clearly.

I did nothing all day and it was painful. But Denise took the day off from work but we said about two words to each other. I don't want to talk to anyone. So I don't.

I went to the bank and grocery store and of course the store to weigh myself.

I expected to see a higher number because I had eaten a lot more because after seeing that my weight went down on Sunday, I increased my meal plan on my own.

I figured that would help, but no, it was down another .2!!!

WHAT THE FUCK. Now I have lost 1.2 lbs since last Thursday.

I'm fucked. So fucked. I don't get it. I hate my body for screwing me over.

And when I came home Denise was acting weird because I think she's suspicious but she didn't say anything.

For the rest of the afternoon I did my meals and snacks for the week and told myself that since my weight was down even more, I couldn't cut back on my meal plan for the next few days. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my highest calorie days, so I'm kind of freaking out.

But last night me and Denise took a drive to Newport to sit on the beach and then walk the Clif Walk.

It was really peaceful. I had to bring my dinner and eat in front of her and I was anxious.

All I could think about was how I wouldn't be able to exercise. Plus all yesterday my stomach had intense cramps and pain which made eating a lot harder. All I wanted to do was exercise to make it all go away.

After dinner we went on the walk and I was looking forward to it because of course it was exercise. Since I was down with my weight it probably wasn't a smart idea but I didn't care. The walk ended up being like 2 1/2 miles! WAYYYY more than I usually do. Denise asked if it was a mistake to take me on the walk and of course I said no trying to act like it wasn't a big deal, but really it was. ED was so happy I went for a walk. Denise is pressuring me to go up on Thursday again either for the day and then stay over or just the day. It makes me anxious! I hate bringing everything to eat and not being able to exercise. And since that's after my appointment and it won't be good I will be in an even worse mood. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

We got home late and I crashed. But of course fit in all my exercise before I went to bed.

Today I felt fat and gross and depressed. And today was a high calorie day.

I volunteered in the AM and then went to weigh myself expecting the number to be up again but it fucking wasn't. It was the same. The walk had to have something to do with it.

I told myself that I would go home and eat all of my meals and snacks 100% and cut back on exercise. I needed to do whatever it took to at least gain .2.

But that didn't last long. I did okay at lunch, but snack I did what I usually do and I actually finished everything at dinner, but I feel so guilty.

I am probably still going to exercise, because I have already fucked up and there is no way I can gain 1lb in 2 days. So why try? I don't see a point. But that is ED talking.

I have snack and I feel like shit. I am scared for the next few days. I ate so much more today and it scares me, and tomorrow is even more. I am praying it will help my weight a little bit but with my luck it won't.

I talked to Denise tonight about how I'm stuck and not doing good this week to kind of give her a heads up for my bad appointment and the reasoning for me losing weight.

I'm so frustrated because no one knows that I increased my MP on my own and I don't want to tell people I lied last week. I can't say I followed my meal plan because there is no way she will believe me. It's so frustrating. I guess I will just say I had a bad week. But what if the same thing happens next week? I hope it wouldn't. I'm just depressed because now I am back where I started a few weeks ago and its like I have to start all over. 6lbs to gain now. I feel so fat already. I can't imagine more weight. I'm scared, but I need to try. I just want this nightmare to end. Fuck. I'm scared. I'm so confused. I want to give up and I am so so close. So close.



I can't fucking do this anymore.

I can't stand myself. I'm such a fat fucking pig.

I know what I see in the mirror is real. How can it not be?

I am not stupid. I can see my stomach sticking out and my thighs getting closer.

I CAN SEE IT! I am not crazy. I am not.

I don't know what to do with myself I am a mess right now.

I have been all over the place today.

ED is on a roll and he is continually trying to pull me under.

He is partly winning. I feel like surrendering to this battle.

I don't feel I am strong enough anymore to fight against him.

I hate how I feel right now and all I want to do is restrict and exercise and just give up.

Completely.

I want to just do it. I need to just do it. There is no point in trying, I'll always be fucked up.

You know what is even more depressing? I HAVE 5 MORE LBS TO GAIN!!!!!!

Fucking shoot me in the head. I can't do it. I can't bear to see myself even bigger than I am now.

I am huge right now. I repeat, HUGE.

I feel like such a cow and I can't stand doing this everyday.

I am sick of it and I can't seem to pull myself out of it.

WHY IS THIS SO PAINFUL AND HARD?!

ED is strong, ED is killing me, I can't stop listening to him.

I can't block him out. He is too loud, too overpowering against my own voice.

I'm scared right now. So scared. I don't know what to do next.

I wish I could just never wake up. I hate knowing that I have to wake up to this terrible reality every single day. Wake up, look at my fat boy continuously, eat a million calories, sleep. And be depressed.

I can't stand myself. I'm a fucking loser. I am fucking weak. Fuck. I can't do this.

Today had be SO HARD. So hard.

Everything seems to keep getting worse and worse.

I thought I would be okay this week since my appointment went well, and i didn't get an increase but I was so wrong. ED has been worse than ever.e is fucking with my head and I keep hearing him.

He would not shut up today. He wanted me to listen to him and whatever he said.

I couldn't not listen to him. I did terrible today.

I woke up really early and had breakfast but didn't finish it, but hid the rest.

Dad left really early this morning to go spend a week with his dad in Virginia.

I was so paranoid because they were both around when I was making breakfast.

I usually sit and eat in the kitchen but I didn't want them to see me using behaviors so I sat in the other room and pretended I was charging my laptop.

He left and I got away with everything. Denise left me alone thank God.

After breakfast I went to weigh myself and just had a really bad feeling.

I felt lighter, but ED was telling me I looked so fat. I didn't feel that bad though.

I stepped on the scale and it was down .6 from yesterday. FUCK.

How is that possible? I ate more yesterday than I did Friday. I don't get it.

I hate my body for doing all of this to me. I can't trust it.

I was so anxious after I stepped off of the scale. I got all hot and red and my heart was beating so fast.

All I could think about was my appointment and how fucked I will be if I don't get my weight up by Thursday.

ED was fighting with me inside of my head. Recovery told me that I should add an increase on my own, the same one I had last week to at least gain back to where I was last week for my weigh in, but ED told me not to do that. I thought of how terrible and fat i felt at that moment and so badly wanted to listen to ED. I left the store contemplating and listening to the fight in my head deciding what to do. I asked myself "Should I just keep my meal plan how it is and just completely finish all of my meals and cut back on exercise? Or should I add and increase to get my weight up a little bit. If I don't gain anything back then I would weigh in a pound less and she would freak. Although maybe not as much as I think because I haven't lost in weeks, but still. I decided to add to my meal plan and just suck it up. I need to do something and I think that is the wisest choice even though it is the choice I don't want. ED was telling me how many calories I would be having now if I added X amount to my meal plan. I told myself that I would have to increase my intake at some point so I would have to face that number sooner or later, and now was the time. I am going to try really hard to not count because it will freak me out, but it's so hard. I know I shouldn't need to because I eat the same exact things on the same exact days of the week so it is always the same, but I still have to just to make sure. It will be harder now. Fuck.

After that I went to church and could not focus. All I could focus on was my fat stomach and how terrible I felt. I went home and Denise's friend came over to talk with her for awhile and it got Denise to leave me alone which made me happy. I had my snack but kind of restricted because I was thinking of my increases. Then at lunch I added one of my increases but did a really bad job finishing. I was so anxious about it because I wouldn't be home to exercise. I just pictured the food going to my stomach and thighs and if I didn't exercise exactly an hour after my meal then it would turn to pure fat. After lunch me and Denise went to the mall and we shopped around for a little bit. Denise bought me a shirt that is really loose but really comfy. It was only $7! Bargain. Then we went to get our nails and toes done. Mine came out really really good. But my girl took forever and I ended up being 15 minutes last for my snack. I hate that I even had to bring it with me in the first place. After I was done I went to my car alone and had some of my snack. I am supposed to have a smoothie but all I could focus on was the fact that I didn't exercise yet, and it got to me. ED made me throw out the rest of my smoothie into a bush. I hate myself for letting him control me. I kind of regret it. I went back in and we went to Victoria's Secret because I had a coupon but all of the stuff was too expensive. I showed Denise a shirt that i might like for my birthday though. We left, went to the grocery store and then came home. I was exhausted and I still am. I had dinner a little later than usual because my snack was late. I was fine with it. I wish I didn't have it because I feel so bad right now. I added my increase and I'm trying not to freak out, but I can't stop looking at my body. I just want to exercise and move around because I feel so gross. I became enormous over a few hours. Seriously. I'm so depressed about it.

I have snack now and I'm really anxious. It's not a high calorie snack but still.

I am still full and feeling bad from dinner. I don't want to do this at all. FUCK.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week and i honestly don't even want to try to get my weight up.

ED is telling me it is okay for this week since I haven't lost in awhile.

Part of me hates that i lost because now I am farther away from where I need to be, but I loved seeing a lower number. But it didn't feel lower. It's so frustrating.

Denise is home tomorrow all day because she took the day off so she could be home with me.

She feels bad leaving em alone but I'd rather be alone.

She better not bother me. Seriously.

But tomorrow night we are going up to Newport RI and we're going to the beach.

We're going up at night though when no one is around.

Maybe it will be peaceful and good for me. But I have to bring my dinner and eat in front of her!!

AHHHH now I can't use behaviors :(

Maybe I'll just bring less than I usually have so i won't eat as much.

Fuck I don't want to go. But we are going to walk a lot so it's okay.

I have to bring my snack too which won't be my normal snack and I am so superstitious about my food during the week.

I'm nervous it's going to fuck everything up, but whatever. I'm already screwed anyway.

Other than that I have nothing planned, I miss Dad already.

I hate how Denise is talking to me more since he isn't around.

I already want him home. Ughhhhhh, It's going to be a looong week.

Fuck. Snack. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.



I can't I can't I can't.

Shut up ED you're ruining my life.

You're driving me insane. I'm going mad. I don't know who I am.

I have become your slave, I know that for sure.

Do you enjoy watching me suffer? Do you like when I hate myself because of what you make me see in the mirror? Do you like seeing me suffer every time I have to eat something? Do you?

You're a bastard. But for some reason I am still drawn to you.

You have the looks, but your soul is pure black.

Go to hell. Oh wait, you're already there. You're pulling me into the darkness.

Today. Oh, today has been a challenge.

Today has been up and down but mostly down.

I feel like I am hiding all of my emotions all because I don't want people to be on my case.

But I still worry that if they don't see me extremely depressed then they think I'm cured.

It's so ironic that I don't want to get the attention because I don't want people to watch me and see my faults, but then I want people to notice that I'm still struggling and I'm not cured.

It makes no sense at all.

My mind makes no sense. It's spinning. Around and around, up and down.

Last night I restricted at my snack. I didn't have one thing, and I didn't think twice about it.

Oh and I still exercised, and it made me feel so good. My muscles tight and pulsing. Nothing beats that. It makes me feel as if I am on top of a cloud, but then I soon come crashing down when I look in the mirror and see my fat staring right back at me.

From the moment I woke up until now I have felt terrible in my own skin.

I didn't think I would feel this fat because I hadn't increased my calories from last week, but for some reason I just feel and look like a whale today. I'm trying to tell myself that it is just ED, but I can't believe it.

Breakfast sucked, and I could have easily thrown it away or not had it at all because no one was downstairs, but I did what I needed to and shut ED up. I Tumblred after that and then had snack.

I wanted to do something to pass the time from snack to lunch because that time is usually hard for me because I am so bored. I decided to check out a Farmer's Market a few towns over. The Internet said it had a lot of stuff there with a lot of vendors so I wanted to check it out. I had nothing better to do.

Before I left I chatted with one of my good friends from treatment because she just got out! I haven't talked to her in 2 1/2 months. I thought she was mad at me but she said she didn't really talk to anyone. It was SO good to talk to her, and we still have a lot of catching up to do. I love her so much and I am so proud of her. After that I went to the Farmer's market and stayed there literally 5 minutes. There was nothing there that I wanted. I didn't know how to spend my time now. I had awhile before lunch and I didn't want to just go home and sit around so I went to two other Farmer's markets closer to town but got nothing there. I guess it gave me something to do. I came home to a present in the mail from one of my good treatment girls! A BRACELET! It is sooooooo amazing. I love it so much and I love her! Oh I forgot to mention after the farmer's markets I went to the store to weigh myself. I felt like such a fat lard so I felt the number would be up or at least the same. BUT it was down .4! ALMOST A HALF A POUND. FUCK. How is that possible? How can I feel so fat but have lost? HOW? I freaked out and told myself I wouldn't exercise and I would finish my meals completely. Well, I did better with lunch, but snack and dinner were the same and so will snack. I exercised and I still will. My cals were low yesterday so maybe that has something to do with it? I really think it's because I didn't have a crazy increase the day after my appointment so my body didn't react the same. But I'm scared now. I'm fucked if I lost. Although it wouldn't be as bad because I haven't lost in weeks. But still. I'm going to see what it is tomorrow and if it doesn't change at all or goes down more, I need to make some changes. That's all I can do. But I don't know if I can do it. I really don't. I feel so bad today and I'm afraid it will carry on. I'm so depressed and uncomfortable. Hate my life. I felt SO FULL after dinner it was crazy. It hasn't been this bad in awhile. I thought I was going to blow. I felt my extended stomach and wanted to throw up. I decided to take a walk with Denise. Fun fact- Walking helps digestion, and it did help me out. It made my stomach clear up. I feel a little better now but still full, and reassured because I can still see my stomach muscles, but it seems as though my thigh gap is smaller already. UGH.

I don't want to have snack, but now is the time.

I kind of have stuff planned tomorrow.

Dad is leaving and it will be just me and Denise for a week.

Blah. I don't want that. Now she's gonna be around me all the time cause she won't have Dad.

I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE!

I am going to church tomorrow in the morning and weighing myself and then coming home to have snack and then do whatever, and then have lunch and then we are going to the mall to get out nails and toes down, and will browse around for a bit. Something to do I guess, and a free manicure? Uhm yes thank you.

Otherwise, nothing else planned.

I'm afraid i will feel worse tomorrow but i won't see if that is the case until tomorrow.

I hope I don't feel this fat or worse, and i hope the scale is back to what it should be.

If not I am fucked, and I will be miserable.

Maybe I should just give up and let myself lose?

No no I can't. I HAVE TO gain anyway. Why not get it over with?

Ugh. I can't. I hate this shit.



 I jinxed myself, I thought ED had taken a break for a little bit but no.

He came back with a vengeance today. Full force.

Telling me all of these things to do, taking over my mind.

I have been so anxious, so insecure, so blah.

But this is what I am used to, but like I said lately it hasn't really been this way for a few days.

And when this depression came back it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet.

I'm so sad. I feel so hopeless. I wish all of this would just go away forever.

But it will always be lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the perfect opportunity to reconnect with me. ED wants to bring me down. He wants to attack when I am feeling vulnerable, and that he did.

I'm so sick of him. I'm so tired. I feel like I am back to my old depressed self.

I don't really want to pull myself out of it either.

I mean I don't have much to be scared of or worried about this week since my appointment went good, and most importantly I didn't get an increase. But I'm still scared. I feel so bad today about myself.

I have felt so fat all day and it's not going away.

ED is back, and he is strong.

Monster's are real, and sometimes they win.

As you can already tell, today has been difficult.

These thoughts are just spinning around and around in my head.

I woke up and looked in the mirror and instantly felt gross and fat.

I don't understand why because I didn't eat as many calories yesterday as I would during a normal day. I usually eat way way less but yesterday like I said I made myself have my Boost. 

I think it was smart of me to do so my body doesn't go into freak out mode.

I know it was the right thing to do, and I needed to do it at some point. Yesterday was the day.

ED hated it, therefore he made me feel like shit today and made me regret it.

He told me that I gained so much and that I was so much bigger than I was yesterday.

I believed it, and I still do.

Breakfast was hard, snack was harder, lunch was harder, snack was harder and dinner was harder. Now I have snack and hopefully it won't be that bad because it is just fat free Greek yogurt but still, anything makes me anxious at this point. I have been a lot more anxious than usual about food today. I have been using my behaviors a lot more like not finishing my meals and picking at my food. I feel like I need to. It's one of ED's main rules that I need to follow. He tells me ya I'm a fat cow for eating anything at all, but it could be worse because I am not taking in as much as I should be. Same with exercise. He tells me something is better than nothing. I have to confess that I did exercise last night, but only one extra thing. ED is telling me that I can cut back this week and either stay they same or lose because I have had a few good past appointments. I fucking am giving in and I hate myself for it, but at the same time it is giving me some sort of peace. It calms me and I get such a high from it. It's like I almost get relieved or happy for a moment. But it's a bad habit and I know I can't get back into it severely. But if I still gain weight then I will do more and more. But hopefully yoga will be good this week coming up. Me and Denise are going to try it out and I'm happy about that. I just hate food at the moment and I am only thinking about the calories and how it is making me fat. It's doing no good for me, when really it is. I can think better, I don't have a heart rate of 30, I don't have server low blood pressure, I am not dizzy when I stand up, My bones aren't as painful, lots of things. I guess I am sort of happy about those things but I miss them too. It reminds me that I am sick and that I look sick. It reinforces the fact that I am not okay, and I still don't want to be okay. I wish there was a happy medium. I wish I could feel okay, but not look okay. I know that's impossible but I wish it wasn't. I just feel like the old me today. Thinking negatively, thinking about everything I am unhappy with, thinking of all of the things that make me depressed, and I am drowning in those thoughts. I feel trapped. I didn't do much today. I woke up ate, went on Tumblr for awhile then had snack, then cleaned the house. I had lunch and then ran out to the store to weigh myself. I was so nervous, but I was the same as I was Wednesday. I don't want to gain anymore, but I know I will get in trouble if I don't. I just want to lose, lose, lose. I need to, but once again I can't. I don't have far to go but it seems so far away. I don't want to get there but I do at the same time. I am happy I don't have to eat more this week and the fact that my calories won't be higher gives me some comfort. Numbers are all that matters. Calories, weight, and so on. After I weighed myself I went to the store to get Denise some stuff and then I went to the grocery store to get some stuff for me that I needed. I ended up being a little late for my snack and I was speeding all the way home because of it. I HATE when I am late. It throws everything off. I am trying not to stress as much, and I have gotten a lot better with it but I am not perfect. I had snack and watched TV and was so bored. I changed my layout on Tumblr and I love it. Then I had dinner and right in the middle Denise's parents came in the door. Her mom makes me so anxious because she says all the wrong things. This was the worst time. I heard her say she wanted to see me and I hopped out of my chair so she wouldn't see me eating. She would think I was fine. ED made me put on an act of sadness and depression, but it was real. I want them to see I'm not okay. Because I'm not. She was asking me all these questions about my dinner and I was so annoyed and tried not to freak out. She asked if I wanted to do anything for my birthday in two weeks and before she even finished I said NO. I don't want to do anything. They were talking about going out to dinner for Dad's birthday but I don't know if they expect me to go. It's a place with all fried and unhealthy foods so FUCK NO. I'm afraid I will be pressured. I hope not. Anyway they left and I barely finished dinner but threw it away. Now I feel like shit and I still feel so fat. Fuck my life. 

I have nothing going on tomorrow.

Oh wait, stuffing my face like a pig and sitting on my ass. FUN.

Ugh. I just want to escape all of this bullshit. I can, but I can't.

Tomorrow is the last day Dad is home before he leaves to go see his Dad in VA for a week.

He is really stressed out about it and is on edge, but I understand.

But that means it's just me and Denise for the week. Ugh.

I just want to be left alone, but she is taking some days off because she feels bad leaving me home.

I WANT TO BE ALONE! I WON'T TALK TO HER ANYWAY!

Ugh. I don't want to be watched, I better not be watched.

Anyway, not much this weekend. Not much of anything.

I'm dreading it actually. More time to think, more time to be depressed.

It's snack time. Ew. Save me!