ED is all I've heard today.

"You look so much bigger than yesterday."

"You should've listened to me and not eaten all of your meal plan."

"You should've exercised because now look at you, you're even fatter."

"You should count how many calories are in that just to make sure it's not too high for me."

"You should walk faster so you burn more calories."

"You should leave that out of your snack, you don't need it."

"You shouldn't eat that, it's a 'bad' food."

" You shouldn't be honest with anyone because no one needs to know."

"You need to take advantage of this last day to listen to me fully before you have to increase your meal plan tomorrow because of your bad doctor's appointment."

"You shouldn't tell them that you've been exercising."

etc, etc, etc.

I'm so sick of it. I can't even begin to explain.

Since the moment I opened up my eyes this morning, I have been all over the place.

Looking at myself every second I can, measuring and looking at my body every second I can, weighing myself every second I can.

I hate how much my world revolves around these things and ONLY  these things.

But I can't picture it being any other way.

What else will I be thinking about if it won't be food, weight, and ED?

I don't even have anything else to think about.

Everything else scares me too.

Thoughts of school, a job, relationships, money; it's all too much.

I don't want to face reality but I don't want to face this world either.

Both seem like hell, but I have a feeling that ED's world might be worse, from what I hear.

But how will I actually know that? I need to try it and find out. But I'm scared. No more than scared, I'm terrified. I don't even want to begin.

I kept tossing and turning last night in bed.

All I could think about was exercise, all I could hear was ED telling me that if I didn't listen to him and do crunches then I absolutely HAD to shake my legs constantly. I got nervous. He told me that as i was just laying there in bed the fat was forming all around my stomach and thighs. I quickly got up, lifted up my shirt and checked just to make sure. I could breathe, but the voices didn't stop. I ended up staying downstairs last night when I usually exercise, and I couldn't even focus on Glee. Denise would say something to me and i wouldn't even hear her. ED was overpowering everyone. I kept getting images in my mind of me exercising and my stomach musles tightening and the fat burning and it made me want to do it so badly. I wanted that high feeling. I love that feeling, I never want it to stop. But I didn't go upstairs. I glued myself to that chair and sat there until the clock struck 9:00pm for snack. I was nervous for snack, even more so because I hadn't exercised, so it would be so much harder. I know I said I was going to make sure i would have everything at my snack that I was supposed to including what I had been leaving out the past week, but I backed out on the last second. I just wasn't ready to do it. I knew that if I did I would end up exercising right after. Besides, I think I did better the rest of the day and not exercising was a big accomplishment in and of itself, so I thought that it was okay to just stop there. So I had my snack, and tried to talk myself through it and tried to distract by watching TV. It worked, but as soon as I was done ED came flooding in. He told me to weigh myself and I did. I should've known better. The number wasn't what I wanted it to be, and it said I had gained like 1lb throughout the day. I got so depressed. ED was getting to me. Screaming how fat I was, but how if i listened to him and I went and exercised all of the feelings would go away, and the number would go back down. I was ready to listen. But I reminded myself that I had been eating all day, and I just had my snack, so that wasn't my true weight, my true weight is the number I saw right in the morning before breakfast. I had a feeling it just wasn't the same though, but I just tried to listen. I made myself get into bed and I had to start shaking my legs. I needed to. It was better than actually exercising, it was a baby step. I tried to go to bed but I just kept tossing and turning. Thinking if I would look bigger the next day or if I wouldn't be able to feel my bones as much, or if my fingers wouldn't overlap when I measured my wrist. A million questions, but I had to wait for the answers until the morning. It was KILLING me. I wanted nothing more than for it to be 7:00am, but I also wanted nothing to do with 7:00am. It could be terrible, it could be okay. I had to wait and find out for myself. The clock struck 7:00 and I layed there with fear. I was afraid to check anything. I was afraid of how i would be. I didn't

We got there late, and as Dad was driving I kept putting scenarios in my head of things that may happen in the meeting, or things they might say, and they just kept coming one after the other.

Bonnie asked how everything was going and Dad and Denise looked at me like always, but this time I told them that I always start so they could stat this time. I was annoyed, so they just listened. Dad said things were okay, but that I was struggling which is clearly true. We talked a lot about Mother's Day and how he said i should basically be over Mom dying, and how he gets so frustrated because I'm so miserable all the time and I only focus on the negative, and i was surprised to see that Bonnie was on my side. She basically said that my mind isn't in the right state to be positive all of the time, or even a little. I'm still grieving over Mom because really I haven't in the past. I thought I was going to be cornered with all of the negativity stuff just like Dad did to me, but it was alright. Then we talked about how Dad came to me yesterday and talked and I told her how it was kind of a kick in the butt, and that it just made me realize a lot of things that I had forgotten. Dad mentioned that he was proud of me for painting yesterday as a distraction, and also watching dome TV with them. I want to make them happy so I was glad that he was satisfied. I want to at least do something right in his eyes. They talked about maybe finding some more distractions like taking a class for fun like painting. I told them how I felt about it and then I realized that the perfectionist part of me was coming out. I told them I only want to do things that will mean something, that will have credit, etc. Mrs. Perfectionist tells me if I take a class, it has to be towards my major, because I can't waste my time doing things for fun, I need to work towards what I need to do for my major. She tells me that I need to get a job over volunteering, because a job actually gives you something like a paycheck, but volunteering is just volunteering. They looked at me like i was crazy and told me how much of a perfectionist I was being. I agreed with them actually. It's weird how I wasn't like this before my eating disorder, but now it's all I am. That's what we mostly talked about at that meeting, so it wasn't as bad as I thought. After that me and Dad went a few places, and I got Denise a birthday gift because my Dad basically pressured me into doing it. Bu it didn't cost much so it was alright. She wants a birdhouse so i bought one at Michael's and I'm going to paint it to make it a little more personalized. I think she'll like it. I'm afraid I'll mess it up though, and it needs to be perfect looking. No mistakes. But good thing is, it's another distraction that I'll have to keep me busy, and I need plenty of those. We went a few other places, and i was freaking out because my snack was a half an hour late, and i hate that so I was anxious. I quickly had my snack in the car and then we went a few more places and then came home. It passed the time, so it was alright. I had lunch, and really tried to not listen to ED. I did better, but didn't eat every crumb off of my plate, but at least I did a little better.

Then I was out the door yet again on my way to individual therapy with Lindsey.

I didn't know what to do.

I thought to myself, "Should I tell her I'm struggling?"

"Should I tell her that I'm exercising or just that I'm restricting?"

"Will she think I'm a failure and give up on me?"

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I stopped at Trader Joe's on the way like I always do, walked around and looked at every nutrition label, and i caught one of the workers staring at me. It's awkward because he's always there on Wednesdays so he sees me doing this everytime. I feel so dumb but whatever, it's just what I do and find please in doing. I picked up a few things and then had to leave and eat my snack on the ride. Fucking wasn't even hungry. I nit-picked at it like I always do, but did OK with it for the most part. I was so anxious for my session and couldn't stop shaking. I finally went in and confessed that I have been doing terrible. That I have been restricting. She asked what percent i was eating of my meal plan, and I never know what to say just because quite frankly I fucking suck at percents! But I just said around 80%. WE talked alot about Mother's day and how outrageuous Dad is for saying I should be basically over Mom dying. I don't think she's very fond of him for the some of the things he says to me. We also talked about how I feel like I deserve all of this because nothing has gotten better, and we talked about how yes i may have slipped, but there is an opportunity laying in front of me to get back on track. She reminded me that I need to try to not dwell on the past, but look ahead instead and focus on doing the right things. We talked about that "high" feeling I get when I restrict and how it's so addicting and I just want to do it over and over, but that the feeling doesn't last, and that's what causes a cycle to begin, and it;s hard to break. She said I am not perfect, and there can be and will be times when I give into that high feeling, but I just can't constantly give into it. But that's my problem, when i start I just can't stop myself. It's too addicting. I feel on top of the world. I don't know how to get out of the spell.

I came home, and HAD to do some leg lifts. Ya I guess that's exercise, but it's not terrible.

I was nervous for dinner, because it was something pre-made from Trader Joe's and that just gets me nervous. I don't trust anything packaged that much, but this seemed pretty decent. But ED was screaming! "That has WHITE rice and white rice makes you fat. Brown rice is healthy, white is not!." I started freaking out and added up the calories for dinner and just told myself that the color wouldn't make a difference. I had it, almost didn't finish, but then I decided I should. I have never felt so uncomfortable. Well, that's a lie but I was really really uncomfortable. SO FULL! Ugh. I went into the bathroom and looked at my stomach. So depressed. Why the fuck do I do that to myself? Dumb dumb dumb. Now that's all I'm seeing. That fat girl looking back at me. I really need to exercise. I just need to. Just a little. It won't hurt. I promise I won't do it tomorrow. This is the last night, then after my appointment tomorrow I will get back on track and stop. I will I will I will. Just give me this one last night to listen to ED. I need to. Just one more I promise. Ugh. I'm giving in. I did okay today, but I will try harder tomorrow. I need to try to not exercise tomorrow even after my increase. I'm so nervous for it though. I know I'm going to want to exercise so much more. I don't know if i can do it. I'm getting nervous and anxious just thinking about it! Shut up ED!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to gain weight I have to, the more i don't exercise the less time it will take so i just need to push through it and get to the other side, and then I will be able to exercise and tone my body. I need to just do it. I can't go to treatment. I can't. Just do it Trine, JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh my appointment is tomorrow and I'm nervous as fuck. I'm afraid that they'll be so disappointed and that they'll be mad. I feel so guilty for doing bad. Like i said i feel like I need to be perfect. I wonder what she'll say. Ugh I don't even know. I don't want an increase I really don't. That will bring me to such a high number calorie wise. NOT OKAY. Ugh I feel like I NEED to exercise if I'm eating that much! I'll gain weight if I don't! But AH I NEED TO GAIN WEIGHT THAT'S WHAT THE WHOLE POINT IS!!!!!!!! Fuck my life. I don't want to wake up tomorrow, I don't want to wake up ever. I don't know if i can fucking do this. I just want to be skinny and stay skinny, but all I'm doing is getting FAT. I can see it already, and I'm not even close to being done yet. Will you hate me if I'm fat? Honestly? Because I definitely would. Ugh I'm such a pig. The tears won't come out but i wish they would. I'm so scared and all I want is somewhere to run and hide. Somewhere where i don't have to face any of these fears or this pain. I wish so much that it could all disappear. God please make some sort of miracle happen. Please don't let me get fat, please don't make everything as bad as I think they will be. Please.

Ugh I want to give up.

I can't even last a fucking day.

I'm screwed. I shouldn't even try anymore.