I'm basically dead.

I feel like a walking zombie with my days on instant replay.

Wake up, eat, sit around, eat, sit around, eat sit around, eat, sit around, eat, think, sleep.

Repeat x's 365 days.

Sounds exciting huh?

It sounds peaceful and mellow but I forgot to mention that the entire time there is a bug called ED buzzing in my ear telling me all of the things that make me want to fade.

There are some days or some moments where I can snap out of this robotic mode, but it's rare.

It's becoming less and less actually.

I feel like I'm drugged and under such a trance, and I'm so used to it so I just let everything be.

But that will only lead to bad things.

But for some reason I just don't feel like I can keep picking myself up off of the ground after falling so hard over and over again. There comes a time when I'm too weak, and I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to reaching that point. I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

Today has been a weird day. Ever since yesterday my emotions have been bouncing off of the walls and I can't calm them down or put them to rest.

After I posted last night I went to watch American Idol and I weighed myself.

The scale said what the number had been all week. I instantly felt a sigh of relief throughout my body.

I was debating on having the lower calorie frozen yogurt for my snack but just to be safe I had the higher one, because who knows if that could or would affect it at all.

 I have to admit, after I saw that number, ED took control. I thought that since the scale was alright then I could listen to what ED said because I had already technically passed for today.

I had no time to think rationally. Before I knew it I was on the floor panting. Then feeling an enormous amount of regret. I hated myself for what I did.

ED tricked me and I played along. He's just so damn convincing it's unbelievable.

I went to bed feeling okay, but made sure to take a Tylenol PM to knock me out so I wouldn't be up all night worrying.

I woke up to my Dad going downstairs and I quickly woke up, did my normal bone check, ran out of bed and went right to the closet.

I was no nervous. What would the scale say? Would it be the number it was last night? Will it be even less than yesterday? Did I screw up? What will happen if I lose? Blah blah blah.

I was expecting to not be as anxious after I weighed myself but I was only more anxious.

The number was down from last night, but a lot.

I mean it was kind of stupid of me to think that it would be the same because that was after a full day of eating, and this was the start of a day with nothing in my body yet.

I instantly tried to remember what my weight was last week when I checked after my doctors appointment and I couldn't remember. I've seen so many different numbers that I've lost count of which one is actually right. My heart started racing, my mind started spinning, I didn't know what to do.

But I couldn't show it. I couldn't let Dad see how nervous I was, because he doesn't know I weigh myself.

But I hoped that it would be the right weight after breakfast so I went down and got it ready.

I tried to stay distracted while I was eating but I found myself eating so fast because I was so anxious about what the number would be. I just wanted to know and I wanted to know fast.

I actually measured out parts of my breakfast this morning too so I took in a little more than usual because I wanted to do everything right just to make sure I would be alright for my appointment.

I finished and went back upstairs and the number was okay, but then I had doubt and started questioning myself and if it was down from last week or what. My mind was racing a mile a minute and I could fucking stop it! And I was thinking about how Dad wasn't going with me and that started a whole other page of anxiety and worry. I got all of my stuff together and then I realized I really had to go to the bathroom. Like "the bathroom" if you know what I mean. Sorry to be blunt but hey it's normal. I was so close to going because I thought I was going to burst but then I remembered that I never go to the bathroom until I'm done getting weighed. It's such a bad thing, but after I did it one day I was afraid that I would lose weight from it and that was a time when Dr. Gupta was really strict so I've had to do it ever since. I want to stop it but I just need to find the right time to. I went to Walmart like usual and could barely walk because I had to go so bad. I was practically dancing, and people looked at me like I had serious issues, and in reality I do so whatever. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it. Just thinking of the fact that I had to have my snack made me want to explode! Plus I just felt plain sick for holding it in and that made snack so much harder. Oh and fyi don't try to eat and orange while driving, it's not very safe. I was driving so fast because I was so anxious to get there and just see if I was fine, but then on the other hand I was so afraid to go. But I went, and sat there as if nothing was wrong. She called me in, got undressed, pretended to go to the bathroom, got weighed, and was hoping that it would be fine so that I didn't have to see Dr. Gupta. I basically held my breathe because I was so fucking nervous. I stepped off and she told me that I was fine and i finally let out a sigh of relief. But now I just had to deal with a whole other stressful appointment. Fuck meal plans. I usually go to the bathroom after I see Dr. Gupta because I'm about to blow, but then I had the thought that what if they called me back down for some reason to weigh me again, so I held it. And fuck it was so painful. I was so anxious to see Julie because I didn't know if or what she would increase. I feel like there is nothing left to possibly increase! But there is clearly nothing I can do about it at this point. I went in and told her how I've had a rough week. Mostly body image and then a lot of guilt and emotional breakdowns over certain situations. She's a really good person to talk to and can usually bring me back down to reality. She said how I need to just learn to accept that I'm not going to like what I see in the mirror but I need to try to truly believe that what I do see isn't real. It's so fucking hard. How am I supposed to not believe that I see a fucking whale in the mirror when I clearly see it? That's like me saying my hair is red when clearly it's blond. Makes no fucking sense. I HATE IT! Chopping my body up would make all of this ten times easier, or actually having no mirrors at all but those can't be avoided forever unfortunately. The problem is that I can't accept it. I wish people could see what I see so they know that I'm not making it up. I really see it! I wish I didn't have to see my body change, and it's even worse to think that some of the changes that I see aren't really true. BLAH! She called down to get my weight and said I gained and that it is going in a nice steady direction upwards. FUCK THAT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I wanted to slap her across the face. Or ED did. Um that's not a GOOD THING! That only means I'm getting FATTER! How am I supposed to be happy to hear such a thing?! ED didn't leave at that point either. She asked me about how my meal plan was going and I said I increased what I should have, which I honestly did, but i didn't say anything about the exercise. Then she asked me where I thought she should increase. I fucking hate when she asks me that because I DON'T WANT TO INCREASE ANYWHERE!!! I told her I don't even know what do you think and she gave me her suggestions. ED reviewed them all with me telling me which one would be the easiest and which one would be the lowest increase as far as calories. She wanted to add another 1/2 Boost to the one I already have but FUCK that I hate that shit. But i was considering it just because it makes everything less stressful because it's just one thing. I honestly didn't want to increase anything and she could tell. Then she told me that she thinks we should keep doing small minimal increases every week just to be safe because in the past if we haven't it has backfired. So whatever I guess. I picked the increase that ED told me to of course and ideally it would be the easiest for me to be able to handle and not be as anxious about. It's not a high increase at all, but I'm hoping that won't cause me to lose. If it does, no one can say I wasn't eating what I was supposed to because I will; or I'll try to. But I know people wouldn't believe me, so now I'm already nervous about next week! And I'm also nervous about the fact that I went to "the bathroom" after I got out of the appointment with her and then I started thinking, Oh no what if that made it seem like I weighed more than I really do? What if I really did lose but that made it seem that I gained? I already started freaking about next week and what would happen and if that would make a difference or not. Fuck my life. CONSTANT WORRY! I left and was feeling relieved that it all went alright, and I was glad that I didn't have to go home to Dad and disappoint him. When I got home he asked how it went, and I said it went alright. He asked if they said anything about my weight and I responded with a sarcastic voice saying " Yep I gained!" He said, "Well that's good then isn't it?" Then I broke and got so angry because NO, to me that's not a good thing. To me all that means is that I'm getting fat. He didn't like that. Then he got all snippy and said "Well why don't you just call Dr. Gupta and tell her you want to go back to the hospital or treatment; whichever one you liked better." WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Then I tried to calm down and tell him how part of me is happy that I did well, but it's really hard to see that because ED is on the other side telling me how fat I am and how I should be ashamed that I gained. He tried to comfort me, and then everything cooled down. He asked if I had lunch, and duh of course not because I had to drive. i wonder if he thought or is afraid that i would skip it or something? I don't know. But I basically did. I always do after my appointment, it's just a bad habit. I nit picked WICKED bad today and didn't have my Boost. I felt so bad for some reason. I felt sick to my stomach and I felt so fat even before starting, so then that just made it impossible to get through. I weighed myself when I got home just so I now can base my week coming up off of that weight to see if I stay on track or not and according to the weight last week that I think I remember it was up 1/2b so I guess I did gain. EW. But before lunch ED made me exercise. I felt so weak but I had to. I hate how it has become a bad habit again. I don't feel like I can break it this time. I had some lunch if i would even call it that and then went to get a few things at the store, came back, exercised but not as much because i didn't have a lot of my lunch, did the dishes, ate snack, blah blah blah had dinner. I'm all of a sudden feeling really guilty for how I've done today. I've done pretty shitty, but that's how every Thursday is. I just got really scared that it would effect me this week coming up, and that since I didn't have a big increase that would mess me up even more. But I just need to continuously weigh myself to see if i get off track, and if I do, well then I'm fucked pretty much. I hate how I'm feeling right now. I wish I could just be able to do what I should. Then I wouldn't be so anxious about my appointments every week and my weight. UGH.

I've been realyl sad ever since I got home. I don't know why really. I guess I'm just really sick of everyday. I see no point and I feel drained. How is it possible that I do nothing all day execept eat and I feel drained? It's my thoughts that are making me tired. They make me feel as if i just ran a marathon, it's unreal. I don't know, I'm just feeling like I'm getting back into that " I want to give up it's too hard" mode. I can feel it, and i don't know how to stop it. Denise came home and talked to me for a little bit telling me how i don't deserve this, and how I'm so strong and how I can't give up, and blah blah blah. In one ear and out the other. She said she can see that I'm really struggling, but that I'm still trying to push through it as best as I can, and that's legitimate. I am trying to keep going no matter how slow. I'm just afraid my steam is running out more and more everyday and it's worrying me. I know I can't let myself get into the habit of doing good one week, and then bad the next, and so on because Dr. Gupta won't fly for that. I'm just so anxious about what's to come and how it's going to be and ugh i hate thinking about it. I hate how one second I see bones and I'm happy and the next second I see fat and I'm depressed. I feel like I'm looking more and more like a normal person and i hate it. But then I feel comfort when I see my collar bones sticking out or when I measure my wrist and my fingers overlap a great deal. But still, it doesn't make the pain go away. I'm scared to death. But I can't keep going. I don't want to end up in treamtent or the hospital only to start another cycle again. Where I am at now, at home, with my normal team is the best position for me to be in. I can't let that slip away. Everyone thought that I would be back in CEDC only a matter of days after I got out, and i proved them wrong so i need to keep doing that and not give them any doubts that I should be in treatment or that I can't do it on my own. I know it is possible, but I know I have to work my ass off, and i don't know if I can. I feel like I give in way too easily. I let my fears control me, and they prevent me from moving forward. But I need to face them at some point, and if I don't I will always be stuck in that anxious mode and that is not a fun place to be. I know I have no choice but to keep going, but I just feel no desire of drive in my bones or body right now. How am I supposed to make it magically appear? I wish miracles could happen, i really do.

My mind is racing a mile a minute right now.

Exercise, snack, stomach, thighs, fat, confusion, fear etc.

I wish I could just have one fucking moment of peace, but that is impossible.

I want to cry so bad or scream so loud but I have no voice to let it out. ED took it from me.

I'm a numb piece of shit. Numb fat piece of shit. That's all I'll ever be.

I wish I could sleep forever and not have to face this reality every day. I'm sick of it, but I can't make it go away. I know it's ultimately in my hands, but it's clearly not as easy as it seems.

I didn't randomly wake up with an eating disorder one day, it progressed over time, and it will take a long time to put it to rest. More time than I think I can handle.

I'm just sick of all of it. Feeling this way, thinking only about food and weight.

It's terrible and draining. But I havent absolutely nothing else to think about.

THIS is my life. I have nothing else right now, so what else am I supposed to focus on?

UGH.

Get. me. out. of. here.

I'm so fucking tired.

But I still have snack. Eh. Not feeling it at all.

I don't know what else to say.

Can't yoy just make it all go away? Please?

I promise I'll love you forever.