I wish I could be fucking skinny.

I feel so meaty and gigantic.

I don't want to have to deal with this crap anymore.

Today has flown by, thank God. I can't stand when my days are all but nothing.

Thinking and thinking and thinking about food over and over again.

I was busy doing stuff today so luckily ED wasn't as terrible as he could have been I guess.

After yesterday and knowing how I didn't eat nearly as much as I should've I was anxious about what my weight would be. I weighed myself before breakfast and I was down, but I didn't really judge based upon that because I never usually weigh myself before I eat. I had breakfast which was really low calorie than what I usually have so that didn't make me as anxious. I was getting close to finishing and ED always tells me I can't completely finish my meals, but I looked at the plate and told myself that it wasn't high in calories anyway so it wouldn't hurt that much to just finish it. But I started, and then I stopped. I felt too bad, I felt too guilty. I just couldn't get myself to do it. I hate that I'm in the phase again. The phase of using this behavior. It's not good at all and I hate it. I'm so used to doing it again that I don't even think twice now, it's just automatic. So I left what ED told me to on my plate and threw it away. I feel so bad for wasting food sometimes. It means I'm wasting my money too, which I don't need at all. Dad was downstairs pretty early, but I was still kind of mad at him about yesterday. He seemed fine so I was thinking maybe he was just edgy yesterday and took it out on me. He asked if I wanted to go out with him to a few places and I took him up on it because what else was I gonna do? I didn't want to sit at home and deal with ED. I just wasn't in the mood to. We stopped at a few places and I forced myself to get Denise something for Mother's Day, even though I don't want to fucking get her anything because she's not my mother and never will be. I had no fucking clue what to get her and either did Dad. We went to Target and I ended up getting her a necklace and earring set. It was nice, and honestly I was just desperate at that point so that's what I got. We went on our way to a few other places and before I knew it it was lunchtime. Bleh. I was just not feelin' it. I left out some stuff I should've had, but I made myself have my Boost. I hate how I restricted it yesterday because it made today so much harder. But I just tried to tell myself that I had it every other day so I could have it again, and really, I had no choice but to start having it again. It was painful, but I just chugged it and tried not to think about it. That stuff is fucking nasty. Ugh. After lunch I cleaned the house because I'm in desperate need of money and I see it as a form of exercise so I just made myself do it. Well actually ED made me I guess you could say. Dad was outside most of the afternoon so it was the perfect opportunity to run. I wouldn't have a lot of time to if any this weekend so I needed to take advantage of it. I knew I was just screwing myself over because I had already lost weight anyway but I didn't care. I took a shower and went outside for a bit because it was beautiful out and I was freezing so I wanted to be in the sun. I felt so fat sitting out there exposing some of my legs. My fat sausage legs. I was staring at them today in the car and they have gotten so fucking big I can't stand it. They better never get to the point where they touch. I WILL NOT let that happen ever. But anyway. I had my snack and had it a little quicker than normal so Mrs. Perfectionist told me that I had to finish at the time that I always did no matter what, so I had to drag it out, and I did some leg lifts instead. I watched my normal episodes of Say Yes to the Dress for the afternoon. Dinner came, I "accidentally" let a lot fall out of my wrap and therefore once it's out I can't eat it. So I didn't. I was so close to keeping two things out of dinner but i only kept one out. Progress? Blah no. I'm still fucking up. I'll continue to fuck up I'm sure.

I've been thinking a lot today about how I've been going downhill the past few weeks.

everyone's on there I saw that those people aren't fat and they're healthy so maybe I won't be as fat as I think I will be. But no no no I already am fat so that definitely means I will be bigger and I won't look like them. I hate it! I don't understand why I can;t just get over the fact that I won't always look like a skeleton, and that I'm not supposed to look like a skeleton. But I want to look like one! I don;t understand why I want to so bad because it is so unattractive to people on the outside. I mean really, I look like a 13 year old boy. But I have to say I am getting boobs back and I HATE IT. But on the other hand, I pray to God that all of the weight will go there. That would be fabulous. I was watching Say Yes to the Dress Big Bliss and it's about plus size women getting their wedding dresses. I tried to listen to them and how they said that they embrace their curves, and that curves are a good thing, and that doesn't make them any less of a person. I really tried to tell myself that yeah, weight doesn't fucking matter. It's not like I have to tell people my weight. No one has to know. It's just not important. It's not like I have it plastered on my forehead so everyone knows. It's just between me and my doctor, so why am I so worried? I hate that I'm so focused on it. I wish I could be like these women and embrace my body and how it's supposed to naturally be, not try to change it into some body it's not meant to be. I'm screwing it up so much, when all it wants is to do its own thing. But I'm scared because I just don't trust it. I feel like since I have been so mean to it, that it will give me payback and make me fat. But hopefully it's smart enough to realize that if it did that, I would just end up ruining it all over again. I sound like a complete freak. I am a freak, but whatever. I just hate how I think way too much about everything. I wish i could just tell myself that whatever happens happens, and whatever happens is MEANT to happen. I need to TRUST. But I just can't. I can't give up that control right now. I know that that is hindering me but i can't seem to fix it and just let go. I've been so caught up in weight and numbers. I couldn't sleep last night because I was already worrying about NEXT WEEKS increase. What I was going to have, how many calories, how much of an increase, etc. After weighing myself today and seeing that I lost I was so happy and relieved because I was finally seeing the results that I wanted. But fuck, no! I'm only going to get in trouble. It is giving me satisfaction right now, but now it's more weight I have to gain, and part of me hates myself for getting into this shit. Now I'm starting to worry about my appointment on Thursday and what they will say to me. But now I can use the excuse that Julie didn't increase my meal plan so my body just reacted to that, when in reality I'm just not doing what I should be. I already know what my increase is for next week which I guess eases my mind a little bit, but I'm afraid it won't be enough, and then I'll lose a second week, and then ah i don't know I'm afraid my doctor will freak on me. But I just can't stop the exercise and the restriction. I just can't. But maybe I'll slowly try to stop and get back into routine, because I just need to. I need to gain the fucking weight no matter how much I want to. I'm scared because I feel like I'm fucked now. I fucking put myself in a bad situation and now I'm screwed. Well, I don't know that for sure yet, but still it's definitely a possibility. Blahhhhhhhhh! I can't get myself to do it! I better not have fucking far to go or I'll freak. It better only be 5 more weeks like Dr. Gupta said. It should really be more because they think I weigh more than I actually do because I don't go to the bathroom before I get weighed, so I guess it could be worse, but still it would only be like 2lbs off which isn't that much. I don't know what I'm going to do when my meal plan gets decreased and I won't have to drink as much. Then, they'll find out. But I guess I have an excuse. I mean I'm just doing what I should be right? Ah I guess that's a far ways away so i don't need yet another thing to worry about right now. I need to fucking worry about the here and now but I fucking can't. AHHHHH!

My case manager from Fallon called today because she wanted to check in and see how I've been doing lately. She said she has talked to Dr. Gupta and the rest of the team and said that they are really pleased with how I'm doing, and that I'm doing well. I felt so guilty, because they think I'm doing so much better than I really am. They think I'm really working at recovery when in reality I;m not at all. I'm manipulating it and I'm doing whatever I can to just get by. I'm not embracing recovery, I'm going against it. They think I'm trying, and I guess there are some times when I am, but lately i haven't been. I'm trying to start getting more motivated so I don't end up where I don't want to be, but ugh it's hard. I want them to see that I'm in pain because I don't want them to think that I'm all better. But I won't tell them because i don't want all of the attention on me, because then they'll really see that I'm not doing what I need to. I'm exercising, I'm not following what my meal plan should really be, and I haven't since day 1, and I just don't give a shit. I feel so fake and i hate it. I feel like I'm doing this for everyone but myself. And the only way it will last is if I do do it for myself. I need to want it. But I'm still at the point where nothing is more important than being skinny. All I want is to be skinny. Nothing else is worth it. Nothing. That's sad, but so true. I hate to admit it but I am. But I kind of lied and told my case manager that I'm just dealing with bad body image which is true but that I'm still trying my best to stay on track and keep going, but I gave up on that a few weeks ago. I feel so bad for lying, but I just can't tell anyone. I don't want to disappoint them. I immediately thought of what she would think about me if I lost weight in the next few weeks. I started to feel so bad because everyone will be so disappointed in me, and that will only make me feel that much worse and more of a failure. I don't want to upset anyone, but I just can't keep going. I know there is no rush really, but I just feel like this pace is even too fast for me, and it could be alot worse. This feels way too hard to do alone, but I know that it's possible, but I just don't know if that's true with my situation. I feel so caught up in ED and I wish I could just let everything out and admit that I need help, but I can't. It;s almost like i want to hurt. I want to punish myself for being so fat and huge. I want to show myself that I am worthless and that I will never be good enough. I want to feel misery. I know I'm putting myself through it, but I know it;s mostly ED. ED is the main controller here, and I feel like he always will be. I have no chance at gaining my control back. It's way too out of reach.

I'm dreading this weekend seeing that it's Mother's Day.

If not all of you know, my mom passed away when I was 12, and I am now 19.

I still seem to not be over it, but I feel like I shouldn't ever be. I still hurt so much inside that I don't even feel i can talk about her with anyone really. It makes my heart hurt too much. It makes me want her back so badly, but I know that can never happen. So this weekend won't be easy. I feel like my eating will suck because of it and that obviously won't help my situation, but I guess I can use that as an excuse as well. Dad and I bought a plant today for the cemetery that we'll bring up there when we go together this weekend. I haven't been up there is way too long and I kind of feel guilty about that. I don't want her to think I've forgotten about her or abandoned her. I love her so much, and I miss her more than anyone could ever imagine. So me and Dad will go up there this weekend and Denise better not fucking come. She's not welcome. She doesn't need to be there. I think she's doing something with her Mom anyway. But tomorrow is the first Saturday of the month which means it's Hope and Inspiration so we'll go tomorrow morning to see a recovered speaker. I think I already know who it is, but her story is amazing so I won't mind hearing it again. I feel like I can relate to her, so I think I'll be asking alot of questions. Maybe it will get me back on track and make me realize that all of this pain is worth it in the end. But it always seems like that motivation fades only days after because ED just comes back and is stronger than ever. But I am going to try to listen and take everything in, because I need something right now. The rest of the weekend will be spent at church and home planning out meals for the week. I;m getting so sick of this. But it's all I have the energy to do, and I NEED to do it. I don't know. I'm just so sick of this life, but I don't want to change it. I'm so fucked up in the head it drives me nuts! I feel like such a phony when I pray to God every night now and ask for his help, because I don't even accept it when it comes. He gives me so many opportunities to do the right thing but I automatically push it aside and do the easier thing, listen to ED. I feel like he is so disappointed in me, and I feel like I shouldn't even go to church because of how I am doing. I feel like such a fuck up now. And I feel like I'm just going to keep disappointing more and more people as I keep going downhill. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. All I know is that I don't want to fucking try because I don't want to get even bigger. You all saw how big I was. Can you even imagine how I'll look with 5 more lbs on me? FAT. I'm so scared and ashamed. I won't look "better," I'll look disgusting. No one understands. I don't want to be okay looking. I want to be how I want to be. I'm sick of hearing myself say that ans I'm sure you guys are sick of it too. I'm sorry I'm so annoying. I bet no one even fucking reads this anymore. Fuck me. I just want to escape and have this all be over. It's never going to be over. No matter how hard I try. ED will ALWAYS be following me in my footsteps. For the rest of my life. I better get used to this..