There ya go. I'm proving to everyone that I'm not lying when I say how fat I am.

I feel like people don't believe me, but now you can.

FUCKING LOOK AT THAT. HOW DISGUSTING.

I can't even believe I posted this. I was so close not to just because I'm embarrassed but whatever.

I won't be like that for long. It's so fucking gross.

Look at that pregnant stomach. I'm so ahhhhhh!

Look at that fucking back fat and love handles! Look at the rolls on my neck and how gross I am.

I want my spine to show more. I want my hips back. What the fuck!

I just want my ribs back. I want everything that is disappearing.

WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING BONY AND SMALL?!

I'm sorry if you guys think I'm doing this for attention or something, but I just needed to get it out. I feel like you all get so annoyed with the fact that I complain about how fat and gross I am, so I feel like I needed to back myself up with something, and this is exactly how I am.

I'm never going to show anything like this ever again. I'm getting so fucking fat. And I still need to fucking gain more. Fuck this. Fuck gaining weight. Fuck recovery. All I want to do is lose. I just want to get to that number that I have in my head. I wasn't low enough before. I NEED to get there. And I know I can if I try hard enough. I need to prove to ED that I can do it.

Today has been a fucking mess.

My thoughts are all over the place and I want to fucking squash them like a bug.

I can't stop weighing myself and I can't stop listening to ED.

As I see that the scale isn't moving, I give into ED more and more.

I don't know what the fuck I'm thinking.

What am I doing?

I'm basically asking to be put back into treatment. But nothing is happening so that won't happen to me. Plus I clearly don't fucking look like I belong in treatment. I'd be the biggest mother fucker there. How embarrassing. Ugh I can't stand any of this anymore. I restricted all day and didn't think twice about it. I'm slipping more and more and more but I don't want to tell anyone close to me. I don't want them watching me, I don't want them forcing me to do something that I don't want to do. Fuck. But they know something is going on, they know that I'm struggling. They can see it in my eyes, and they can feel it in my presence. I can't hide it but I'm trying my best to. They don't need to know what ED is telling me, they don't need to know if I'm listening or not. All I need to do is make it seem like I'm hanging on so they don't get too suspicious. I hate hiding things like this, because all they really want to do is help but I just don't want anyones help. I want to suffer on my own and with ED. At least I have him right? Ugh. I hate being so negative about all of this but I'm just not feeling good about things today. I haven't felt good about things for awhile now, like the past 2 weeks. I keep hoping that the number on the scale will either go down or stay the same, but I know I'll just be fucked if that happens. But I just want it so bad. I would do anything to make that happen right now. I wish I was just in my own world where I could get anything I wanted. Clearly that's a dream that will never become reality, but I'm still caught up on the fact that maybe it will. Fuck. I'm sorry I'm so annoying. But I don't know what to do. I want to cry and kick and scream so badly but nothing comes out. I can't stop hurting myself and my body and punching it over and over and over. I need to feel the hurt, I need to get it out somehow, and I only know how to do that with myself. I just want to cut and cut and cut but I know that will only bring more attention to myself which I don't want, and I'd never be able to hide it from anyone. I need to do something to get my stress and anxiety out and using my eating disorder is the only way I know how to do that. I wish I could just fucking run and run and run and work out so hard like I used to before. Sweat out all of my pain and work out until I can't anymore. I need something like that. I wish I could have it. But of course not. I can't even fucking run 1 foot. AAAAAAHHHHH

I had therapy tonight and I said how I'm having such a hard time.

I needed to say something.

I didn't say exactly what I have been doing because I'm not telling anyone that but I just said how I've been struggling a lot with things.

I told her about my weekend at Newport and how I had a mental breakdown.

I feel so dumb. I feel like such a pathetic cry baby. She probably thinks I'm so messed up.

But I'm a lot more messed up than I appear to be on the outside.

I look so calm and "okay" on the outside when on the inside there is fucking chaos.

A never ending roller coaster throwing me upside down and all around and making me nauseous.

But like I said, I can't show it. I can't bring attention to myself. I don't want my control being taken away. It's all I have at this point and there is no fucking way I'm giving that up.

I told her how ambivalent I am feeling about recovery.

I said I feel like I have just plateaued and I feel like I'm getting no where.

I didn't tell her that I feel like I'm totally going backwards because I don't want her to worry and be concerned and tell Dr. Gupta, but I am truthfully slipping a whole lot. More than I fucking would let myself.

I thought I would be stronger than this. I thought that once I got started and stopped mostly listening to ED then it would get a little easier and he would shut the fuck up, oh no, he has only gotten louder. I can't fucking stand this anymore. I'm done. I just want to be done. I want to fucking give up, and I feel like I am slowly. I don't want to do the hard work, I don't want to do ANY of the work. Just let me do whatever the fuck I want to do. Please?

Ugh, I have my apps tomorrow but it's just a weigh in. I think I'll be okay cause I';m fucking fat and I've gained weight even WITHOUT  a meal plan increase. Fuck my life. Then I have a nutrition appointment and I BETTER NOT get a fucking increase. I swear to God, if I do I'm not gonna do it. Fucking no way. I don't even care. I'm gonna tell her that I'm not doing any better this week so maybe she won't increase it since I still gained. Fuck. I don't know. I still have a part of me that is nervous though.. Ugh I hope it goes alright, but it would be just my luck if it didn't. I wouldn't be surprised. FUCK.

Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe this is just a bad week and maybe next week will be better. But the past 2 weeks have been this way, so I'm losing hope. I'm scared to keep going and gaining. I'm just so fucking scared. I'm sorry I just don't know what to do. I feel so terrible. Can;t you see how fat I am from those pictures? Just imagine how you would feel if you looked like that. I'm not trying to make you feel bad for me by any means I just I don't know. I don;t know. Maybe God will come to help me soon, or even Mom. I need someone or something.. I can't keep going on this way. I can't go to treatment, I just can't. Ugh fuck. I'm so scared. Someone please tell me what to do. Someone please tell me how I can get out of this. I need someone. Anyone. I'm losing myself.