Constant pain and unhappiness; it's what I'm used to.

Without it I just wouldn't feel right.

When I have the slightest sign of a smile starting to form ED tells me that's no allowed.

Whenever something makes me laugh, ED forces me to hold it in.

ED makes me create a blank face with sadness filled in my eyes.

ED likes when I am this way; he likes watching me suffer and drown in my own misery.

I can just picture him laughing in my head whenever I have tears streaming down my face.

 I see how cruel he can be, but whenever he tries to be nice he automatically reels me in.

I don't know how he does it. You would think I would have learned by now.

But there is something about ED that makes him so believable.

I'm a people pleaser and of course I want to please him, but really nothing is ever good enough

But that doesn't keep me from trying to get there.

ED tells me that if I keep trying my hardest I will see results. But he keeps telling me that over and over again making me believe that it really is something that is achievable.

Everyone says "Imperfection is beauty" but my imperfections and flaws are what bring me down.

I don't embrace them, I hate them and criticize myself because of them.

It's weird because I always tell everyone else that they are beautiful just the way they are and don't need to change one bit, but I feel like I need to change every part of me.

I want to be able to learn to love myself for who I am, but I hate what I see and I hate who I am.

The only way I will ever be at peace is if I accept who I am, body, soul, and all.

I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

Today was flat, blah, and boring.

I have been wrapped up in my head just like any other day.

After yesterday and not doing well with eating, I was dreading today and having to follow my meal plan plus add my new increases. Granted it's not a terrible increase, but any increase is hard for me to handle. Even if it's one fucking calorie. I had snack last night and felt so bad. Mostly because I found pro-ana and thinspiration blogs which are basically pictures of girls with eating disorders showing how sick they are and how much they don't eat or how much they weigh and lose. It's the worst possible thing to look at right now. It does nothing but hurt anyone. I found myself getting so caught up in them. I couldn't stop looking at these pictures and pictures of girls with their hip bones, collar bones, and ribs jutting out of their bodies. I want nothing more than that. I see their bodies and it just makes me so jealous. I just want to be fucking small and skinny! I hate how they can get away with it. I hate how they can lose weight and nothing happens to them. But then I see how these girls have no lives, no future ahead of them. These are the type of girls who will be 50 and will be in treatment. It makes me realize how sick they really are, and I know that I'm not as bad as them. And I know I'm jealous about how they can get away with stuff, but I should be thankful that I have support from my team and other people. Ya I wish I could just do whatever I wanted with my eating disorder but they are on me all of the time because they care. They don't want to see me like this, and they won't just sit back and let it happen. I guess I should be happy about that, but I just want to be independent, but deep down I know this way is probably for the better. Otherwise I would be dead or slowly getting there. As I was looking at these pictures I also saw in some of them how unattractive being that skinny is. I can see how people would think that is unattractive, but only if their super super skinny. If they look like a walking skeleton then that isn't good looking but I don't look anything like that. No where near these girls. It makes me feel so much worse about myself. If they saw me they would think I was obese. I basically am. They hate their bodies so much but I wish more than anything I had what they had. But I know looking at these probably isn't the best thing right now. I'm not in a good mindset. I found myself comparing my body to theirs and it only made ED louder and louder. I really should stay away but for some reason I'm so damn addicted. UGH. Bad bad bad.

Before I went to bed last night I was laying there feeling good about how I didn't feel as bad as other days, basically because I didn't eat as much. ED made me feel good and accomplished. But then I got scared. I got scared that if I kept doing what I'm doing then I'll lose weight and my appointment will be bad. I prayed and asked God to help me get through this week. I need support and I need faith. I told myself that today I would follow my meal plan, and I did that. I weighed myself this morning and I was scared because I didn't know if my bad day yesterday made me lose, but I don't think it did. I hate the fucking scale, it seems to always change every time I step on. But I got nervous. After breakfast I started exercising and thought to myself how I am taking such a risk and that I could possibly lose weight. I made myself do less than I usually do. I feel accomplished that I have been able to continue that throughout the entire day, but I swear I look bigger already. I guess it's at least a step to cut down a little bit, and if I see the number going down throughout the next week, then I'll just cut back some more. I'm hoping it doesn't affect my weight. I'm pretty sure I'm eating enough for me to at least maintain, but it's still a risk. But I guess I'm willing to take it. I mean in the past I haven't had an increase and I've still exercised and I still gained so I'm hoping this will be the same. I just need to get through another week; and another week and another week. I'm so confused because I just want to know how far I have left to go. I don't know what I weigh at the office and that makes me anxious. She says I am not that far away but what is far to her? I have a feeling it's 5lbs but FUCK that is far! Ugh. I'm trying not to worry about it because it's out of my control but I wish it was in my control. I just want to weigh what I want to weight and that's it. But rationally I know that one number will never be good enough. Not for ED at least. I just can't stop thinking about it. I just want to keep asking and asking until I get a number, but I know she won't tell me. I just want to ask how many weeks she thinks I have left, and that will obviously tell me how many lbs. But I'm scared to know at the same time. In a matter of weeks I could be at a healthier weight and I don't like that. But what would I rather deal with? The pain of eating so much food and gaining weight, or the pain of dealing with how my body should be and realizing that it's something I have to get used to? I just so badly want to look sick. I don't fucking know why. I feel like I won't be noticed any other way. To people on the outside having an eating disorder means you don't eat anything and you're so thin you're basically about to break and i just wish people didn't think that way because it's completely not true at all. I'm eating more than enough and I'm getting to a healthier weight and I'm getting worse. It gets harder and harder because ED becomes louder and louder. I'm afraid if I can't even handle this now then I definitely won't be able to handle being in a somewhat different/okay place. It scares me a lot. I'm clearly just so paranoid right now about every little thing. And it's even worse knowing that that won't be going away for a long time. I hate having to deal with it day in and day out. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I found myself so bored and depressed this morning.

But I woke up, and got happy for a moment because I could feel my bones more for some reason.

It made me feel better.

I had a battle with ED during breakfast because he always tells me I can't finish my entire meal and that I always need to throw stuff away, even if it's one little crumb.

After I weighed myself I got so nervous and so I was thinking about the scale at breakfast and I was going back and forth with what to do. Throw it away or finish it?

I slowly started to finish it, and then I questioned myself and felt bad.

Then I quickly picked up my fork and made myself finish before ED would convince me not to.

I felt so bad afterward. I regretted it.

ED told me that now I was going to gain weight because I had those few extra bites.

But I reminded myself that I need to follow my meal plan, and I need to just try to suck it up.

I was so bored after breakfast waiting for snack. I had nothing to do.

I sat there staring at my laptop screen in a daze.

I kept continuously looking at the clock just waiting for it to say 10:30, but at the same time I didn't want that time to come because I didn't want to fucking eat any more.

Dad was going out to get a few things and I went with him because I NEEDED to get out of the house.

It passed some of the time and kept me a little distracted.

We got home and I decided to do half of my cleaning before lunch.

I was so nervous for lunch because one of my increases was there, but it was only 30 calories so it wasn't terrible I guess. But I was more nervous because I had to have my Boost which I didn't have yesterday but I had to have it today to get back on track. I hate how I fucking do that to myself. But whatever I did it. I felt so shitty after. So fucking full and I couldn't stop looking in the fucking mirror and weighing myself. I exercised but stopped myself at a certain point. I told myself that I at least needed to try for one day and if I wake up tomorrow and I gained 5lbs then I can go back to it but it probably won't even make a difference.

I finished up my cleaning and then had nothing to do again.

Then Dad asked me to help him set up the new TV and that took up an hour.

It looks so good and it's huge. Thank god we have a TV now.

Then it was snack time and I was so anxious because I wasn't having my normal peanut butter.

The one I have is lower calorie than other peanut butters but Shaws didn't have it yesterday when I went to get some. I freaked out and got a different one that is only 3 calories higher but it makes me anxious.

I had to have it for snack, plus a new cereal but I did it. I felt guilty but I did it, and I didn't let myself exercise more than I should have.

I gave in and counted my calories for dinner. I was surprised at how low it was and then my appointment and the scale started flashing in my head. I decided to change my fruit from watermelon to an orange to increase the calories a little bit. I guess that's a step. I kind of nit picked at it here and there but did a little better than I was going to. I don't feel that uncomfortable right now as in full but I do feel fat and meaty. I hate this feeling.

I'm scared for snack because it seems like it's a lot higher in calories than what i usually have but it's really not at all. I think it might be even lower. I just don't feel like eating anymore. I wish I could just have fruit and vegetables all day. It's still eating isn't it? So why does it matter? It shouldn't.

I'm really anxious about waking up tomorrow because of following my meal plan today and cutting back on exercise. I just don't want the number to go up, but I kind of need to accept if it does because I'm going to have to accept that within the next few weeks. I don't want to see the number go up because that means I'm getting fatter and I don't want to see the number go down because then I'm fucked. Maintaining would be okay I guess. I'm afraid to follow my meal plan tomorrow because I have felt so guilty today about it. But hopefully it will get a little easier as the days pass. I hope so. Ugh.

I don't know what to do tonight.

I guess I'll just do what I usually do; sit on my laptop and watch TV until bed.

Oh ya and snack. BLAH. Whatever I have to suck it up.

I'm dreading the weekend because I'm going to be so fucking bored.

Dad and Denise will be at a Lacrosse game on Sunday so I'll be home alone thank god, but that might not be a good thing because it will just be be and ED but hopefully I don't give into him that badly.

I just like not having them around. I feel like I'm being watched constantly. I hate it.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I wish I didn't feel so fat and look so fat.

I wish I thought about other things besides food and weight.

I wish I had friends.

I wish I didn't feel so alone.

I wish I could go out and do something.

I wish I could wear normal clothes but I can't because I'm too big.

I wish I didn't have to eat so much.

I wish I could run like I used to.

I wish nothing was the way it is right now.

But I feel like it will be this way for fucking ever. Just my luck.

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