Nothing will make me happy.

I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore.

I don't remember the last time I laughed.

If there is a moment where I start to crack a smile, ED makes me pull it back in.

Smiling isn't allowed, because if people see you like that then they'll think you're fine and you have no problems anymore. And of course ED doesn't like that. He wants me to look sick, and be noticed for that.

I'm so used to being depressed that it doesn't really bother me anymore.

I feel like it's who I am now, and that I should be no one else.

But no matter what it's how I always am.

I have my moments when I'm okay, but it's usually when I listen to ED and he tells me how great I am, and that makes me feel good. But that happiness doesn't seem to last. The rush of restricting and losing weight is so strong in the moment, but then it slowly fades. That rush feels so good that it becomes addicting, and then that's when a cycle begins. It's hard to shy away from that and pretend that I don't want to feel it, because deep down I really do. I can't explain it. It's like I almost feel in my own world, and nothing can bring me down. But like I said, I eventually come back down and ED goes at it again.

I hate how good I feel about using behaviors in the moment, and then I am regretful later.

I love when I purposely leave stuff on my plate and just watch it lay there and get cold.

I love when I exercise and feel like the fat is melting off of me, and that my muscles in my stomach are becoming more and more visible.

But then after throwing the food away on my plate, I feel guilty. I know it is only hurting me, but eating the food hurts me even more. It's such a bad habit but it's one of ED's rules, and I need to follow them.

After I am done exercising I feel great, but then I look in the mirror minutes later and still see fat, and then I feel guilty for doing something that probably didn't even make a difference. If it made any difference, it wasn't in my favor it was going against me and what I should be doing.

I'm so stupid. How can I keep listening to this crap and going along with it?

Why is it so God damn addicting? How can it make me feel so good then so bad?

You would think I would've learned by now, but I haven't. I just keep running back and doing the same thing over and over, and I just can't stop myself anymore.

Hopefully it doesn't get worse, and it just stays the same at least.

I know I shouldn't be doing it at all, but if I don't lose weight from it then what's the big deal?

Isn't that all that matters? So I can restrict and I can exercise if it's in moderation.

But it never turns out that way, it's always too much.

I want to see the results and effects from my behavior, but then I realize that it's too late when I stand on the scale and see that I lost weight. I can't take back what I did, and now it's that much more work I have to do now. I took a step back and i have to re-trace it. I'm only making all of this harder for myself! What's the fucking point in losing weight when I'm just gonna have to gain it back anyway? It's so frustrating and I hate how it happens. But I still CAN'T STOP. But if I keep losing then I'm going to end up in deep shit. I don't want that, but I don't want to gain weight either. Ugh I fucking hate this. I keep going back and forth listening to ED and then listening to recovery. I feel so stuck in the middle with no way out. I need to find it because I know there is a way out somewhere; there has to be. Other people have found it, so why can't I? I'm just so sick of searching for it. I don't want to anymore!




My fucking computer froze and only saved this much of my post. It was 5 fucking paragraphs! I'm so pissed right now. Nothing ever fucking can go right. I'm fat and can't stand it anymore. Mother's day is tomorrow and I don't want to wake up. I want nothing to do with life anymore. I want to cut myself until I can't see skin anymore. I need to get out of here.