The mother is everything - she is our consolation in sorrow, our hope in misery, and our strength in weakness. She is the source of love, mercy, sympathy, and forgiveness. He who loses his mother loses a pure soul who blesses and guards him constantly.
Kahlil Gibran

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavour by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.
Washington Irving

I didn't expect it to be this hard.

I would've thought that as the years passed on without you here,
it would hurt a little less each time,

but I was wrong. It cause me more and more pain.

Standing at your grave, looking at your picture brings tears to my eyes.

Oh how I remember that smile as if I saw it yesterday.
Everyone tells me that your smile is my smile,
and I couldn't be happier to possess something so beautiful as that, but I don't see what others do.

I stood there with sadness realizing that what was beneath me was nothing but bones, bugs, and dirt.

To even think about the fact that you're not really "there" makes me cringe.

All I want to do is feel you, touch your skin, hold your hand, give you one of those hugs.

I closed my eyes and memories started flashing in my head of past Mother's Day's and all of the gifts I would give you and all the cards I made. I remember you saved every single one; you cherished it like it was the most important thing in the world. I always loved making you smile, and making you proud and happy, because you deserved it.

I thought about you a lot today, obviously. It seems like almost as much as the anniversary of your death.
I just keep getting glimpses of memories and how things used to be back then,
and it only makes me wonder what things would be like now if you were still here.

It makes me sad that you have missed so many important things in my life, and that there is even more you will miss. I feel so ashamed to be who I am right now.

I feel like I am disappointing you so much, and if you were here you wouldn't even be able to look at me let alone be around me whatsoever. I feel like I'm letting you down. I feel like your up there just shaking your head watching me as I restrict my food and exercise in secret. I feel like you don't see me as your daughter anymore because instead I have become this disgusting lying monster. I feel so guilty for this, but I can't change it. I need you here to help me push through. I need you. I need the comfort, the love, the support, and for you to tell me that everything will be okay.
But I can't have any of that.
I can only hope that you are right here beside me
helping me push through each bite of food and each second of everyday. 

As we were leaving the cemetery I blew a kiss to you,
and turned to find a beautiful small yellow butterfly.

Whenever I see one they remind me of you; part of me thinks it's you showing me that you really are here with me. That brought me comfort. I only wish I could've caught it and bottled it up to have with me at every moment. I want more signs like that, something to keep me alive and breathing.

It hurts to see people not understanding why I am so upset today.

Dad seems like his usual self, while I sit here with sadness engulfing me.

How can he be over you? How can he just move on like that? I will never understand.

I feel like it will never get easier;
only harder as the years come and go and you still won't be here.

All I look forward to is the moment when I can see you again,
because at that moment I will be happy.

I want that day to come now more than anything, but for some reason it hasn't.
But I'm still waiting.

Today has been a rush of emotions.

Sorry if that was too deep but I just feel deep today I guess.

I've felt really in touch with my emotions, and usually I only like to avoid them.

But today I just couldn't shy away from them, they were too strong.

I woke up late and at first didn't even remember it was Mother's Day,
but then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The sadness started and I sat there looking at my breakfast,
only wanting to throw everything in the trash.

ED was loud. "Just listen to me.
I will make the sorrow and pain go away, and all of this won't be so hard."

He was so tempting. I gave in a little, and didn't have enough energy to care.

He told me that I could get away with it because I could use this day as an excuse.
He is right.

Denise came downstairs saying a happy "Good morning!" and I said nothing back.

How could she possibly think that I would be okay? How?

I was annoyed and just wanted to be left alone.
Then Dad came down and asked how I was.

I mumbled my usual "I'm fine" and then he gave me a hug and rubbed my back.
He knew I wasn't.

Luckily after breakfast I was able to get out of the house and be alone.

I went to 9am mass and it felt good to get out. Mass makes me think a lot, and brings some peace to my mind for the time being.
It makes me think about where I'm at and what I'm doing.

I really try to pay attention during mass but it's just so hard because all I'm thinking about is ED.

I guess it just helps to get out and not be totally caught up in ED, but still.

After mass I went to a chapel because someone had recommended it to me as a quiet place to go whenever I wanted to. It was quiet, small, and cute, and I might start going there more.

I made my way home and passed Denise on the way
and was happy I wouldn't have to deal with her.

I got home, disgustingly had my snack, felt so guilty,
and then Dad said we could go to the cemetery.

When we got there we planted some flowers, and cleaned the grave to make it look nice.

It was a beautiful day and it made the moment of being there that much more special.

We said our goodbye's, and stopped at the grocery store to get a few things and then came home.

Me and Dad didn't say much to each other.
There was nothing that could really be put into words.

I came home, slowly made lunch, didn't have all of it, felt guilty, looked at my fat body, weighed myself, started planning my meals for the week, had snack, watched TV, and just listened to ED talk over and over and over. He never stops. But he was nice today. He was telling me that he was here for me and that he could make everything better. I believed him.
Every single word. I felt like he really was the only one there for me, so I took advantage of it.

After dinner Denise came in to open her Mother's day cards and gifts.

I felt so awkward. I didn't even want to be involved,
so I just sat there in silence looking at my laptop screen.

She came over to me and handed me a journal, and told me to read the first page.

I was confused, and opened it, and she wrote a note telling me that she put something together for me for Mother's Day to remember my Mom. She had had people who knew my Mom type out a few small memories of her and she pasted them all in the journal on different pages.

It brought tears to my eyes, just the thought of it. It was such a nice thing to do.

For that moment all of the anger towards her went away,
and I was grateful for what she did.

I tried to put a smile on and not show my sadness and I guess it worked.

When they left the room I went through the pages in the journal.

I started crying.
All of these memories from other people brought back so many memories of my own.

It made me miss her even more. It made me sad.

But I will always have this to hold onto now, and like I said I am thankful that Denise was nice enough to do something like that for me.
It was very thoughtful, and she is really a caring person.

Aside from all of this Mother's Day stuff, recovery wise I haven't been feeling that great.

I've just felt so down because of everything and I can't get myself out of this rut I'm in.

I thought it was maybe just a phase, and that the next day I would be back to how I was supposed to be, but that hasn't happened yet, and that scares me. I feel like ED has pulled me back in too much for me to make my way out again. I don't know where to begin. Well, I know what I should do to begin, but i can't get myself to do it. ED convinces me that it will be too scary and that it would be the wrong choice and that I would regret ever doing it. He reminds me that if I take that extra bite of food or I don't do those 20 sit ups then I'll get so fat. I'm scared of everything he says. I try to keep in mind what Cheryl at Hope and Inspiration said yesterday, but it seems like nothing can take my mind away from ED. I'm worried about this week and how I'm going to handle it. One part of me is saying that it can be used as a fresh start and that I can get back on track and move towards where I was before, but then the other part of me is comfortable here, and is enjoying losing weight and being with ED so it makes me not want to change. ED makes me believe that if I keep doing what I'm doing and don't get worse, then I won't have to go into treatment, and that I'll just maintain my weight. He tells me that I can just stay where I'm at, and at least survive here for awhile. He tells me this is where I'll be happiest. But really, I'm not happy when I'm anywhere. I kept trying to think today about what I'm doing and how it's doing nothing for me. I tried to look at other people and see that they are healthy looking and by no means fat, and tell myself that I will be the same, but it doesn't work. i tried to tell myself that none of this is worth it, and that I should want to have a family and be happy and live my life, but none of that works either. I'm at a loss. Nothing is working. Nothing is snapping me out of it, nothing is keeping my faith alive. I feel like it's been dead for weeks. I feel like God has abandoned me because I have abandoned him. I feel like I'm a lost cause, and that no one can help me because I can't even help myself. I hate myself, so how could anyone else not hate me too? How can anyone else love me for who I am inside when all they see is fat? How? They can't. I'm so disgusted with myself and i just want to take it out on my body and food. I just want to make all of this go away so I can move on, but it will always follow me wherever I go. I'm tired of running, and looking back only to find that ED is following me closer than I thought. He never seems to get tired, he always keeps going. But at this point I can't run anymore, my legs are starting to give out and I'm about to collapse. I feel like ED will completely have me soon. I don't see it any other way. But I need to just try to keep running. I need to try to believe that there is a finish line worth running for ahead of me even though I don't see it. I need to trust, and use my faith as a guide. But it's so hard. This is all too hard.