"Anorexia is not a crash diet. You don’t want to look thin; you want to scare people by how wasted you can become. You want to look like death, a Halloween skeleton walking among the living. Because to you, every freakish day is Halloween, and your exterior appearance is a physical manifestation of the pain inside. Eventually you stop yelling, crying, or expressing emotion as the anorexia itself becomes a silent scream."

Kid Rex- Laura Moisin

I want to look eaten away at the bones.

I don't want skin all over my body that makes me look fat, I don't want muscle that makes me look like a man, I don't want any of that.

Dealing with it everyday is painful to my eyes.

I see my body and ED sends a signal to my brain telling me how imperfect I am, and always will be.

Each day gets harder.

I just can't accept myself looking and feeling this way; it's just not right.

It's not supposed to be like this, I'm not supposed to look "okay"

I'm supposed to look emaciated and skeletal.

I'm supposed to attract attention to my fragile body.

All of that is fading, therefore I am fading,

I feel like nothing. I feel like a fat worthless invisible nobody.

What's up with this body image shit lately?

I've had my bad days before but they don't usually last this long, there a few days that break up the terrible ones, but lately all they are is bad.

All I see is fat. Nothing but fat.

I wish I had an eraser to erase every single piece of me that I hate, but then I would really be invisible because I would erase everything.

Part of me is so mad at myself for fucking up my body this way and needing to gain weight, but on the other hand it's better because I will be a lot lighter than I used to be.

But the thing is, if I asked someone what they thought I weighed they would probably say the weight that I used to be, because I look that big.

People would think I was lying if I told them I have an eating disorder and that I'm an anorexic.

Anorexics are supposed to look deadly thin, and I'm no where near that.

I keep hoping I'll get back there, or at least be thinner than I am right now, but that has to wait unfortunately.

I've been so caught up in comparing myself to everyone around me.

It's making me even more depressed because it just makes me look that much more normal.

I try to reassure myself that it's okay because you can see my bones more clearly than the girl on TV, but that hasn't been true lately. It's the exact same. It's making me go crazy. I know what I am seeing is real, I'm definitely bigger than them and it blows. I'm bigger than fucking everyone I see. 

I hate going through this over and over again day after day.

This is what makes me so exhausted by the end of the day. Thinking about all of this shit.

I'm angry I'm depressed I'm upset I'm overwhelmed I'm embarrassed and I'm scared.

Fuck.

Today has been rough as you can see. It's obviously a pattern lately.

I wanted nothing to do with today.

I woke up feeling like I had just eaten a 4 course meal.

I was so bloated and so fat looking. 

Morning is supposed to be the time when I feel the best because that's when I'll be the smallest during the day, but no, mornings are hell now. Especially this morning.

I felt my bones, but it just wasn't the same.

I don't want to keep slowly saying goodbye to them. I don't want them to leave me.

I heard Dad and Denise up before me and I was confused.

Then Denise told me that they were going to a flea market for the morning/afternoon.

SCORE.

I didn't feel like being around anyone especially after looking at myself in the mirror.

She had me sit down and talk to her, and I really don't want her to know what's going on in my head lately but stuff just kept pouring out.

I basically told her how I don't really want to get better, not for myself at least and that I'm not motivated.

She tried to be positive and say that I am at times, but really I haven't been.

I told her i feel like I'm forced right now and the only reason I'm listening is because I don't want to face the consequences. It's all true.

I don't know, I got really upset towards the end. 

I told her how I feel so gross and normal and she didn't really say anything, so clearly I am right.

I'm fucking right, and what I see in the mirror is real.

THEY CAN SEE THAT I'M BIGGER and I hate that. I hate that they can't tell me that I'm too thin because if they did they would be lying to my face. I just want to hear it. It makes me feel better about myself. And not hearing anything like that right now is killing me. It makes me want to throw a curve ball and lose tons of weight and stop eating. I just want to hear those words again; you look too thin.

After they left I went to weigh myself to see if yesterday had affected it at all.

Hoping it would yet hoping it wouldn't.

And it didn't. I know that's supposed to be a good thing but it sucks to see that.

I felt so much bigger when I looked at myself than what the number on the scale told me.

Even though that number is way too fucking high, I still looked ten times bigger in the mirror.

Flabby fat fucking stomach, meaty thunder thighs making their way closer and closer to each other, disappearing collar bones. It has been terrible today.

On top of that it doesn't help that I've felt so sick and bloated all day and it isn't going away.

I feel like I have the permanent re-feeding belly. I hate it so much.

I can't stop looking. I just can't.

I weighed myself a million times too, but not as much because I just didn't have the energy to get even more upset. I knew that the number wouldn't be any lower than it was all day so I just didn't waste my energy.

But I was home alone in the morning, and I didn't end up going to church. I just didn't have the energy to.

But I went out to Price Chopper to get a few things and then i stopped by the cemetery to water the flowers and say hi to Mom. I haven't been up there since Mother's Day, and I feel like I should go up there more often to talk to her, not like I don't talk to her now. I asked her to be with me and help me get through this, I need her to visit me and comfort me, I need her right now but she doesn't seem to be coming.

Oh and I had to bring water to the cemetery so I put it in a big empty bottle of vodka. As I was driving I realized that didn't look very good on my part. Oops. Good thing I didn't get pulled over! 

I came home and exercised. It was worse because I felt shittier about myself, and no one was home so I did what I wanted. Then I had snack, and cut back on a few things, didn't measure, nit picked, blah blah. I just felt so shitty and didn't give a fuck. After that I watched some TV and then exercised more because of what the scale still told me, and because of what ED was telling me when I looked in the mirror. I couldn't help it. Then lunch came, and I was still home alone, and then dad and Denise came home as soon as I finished thank God. But they only stayed for about a half an hour to eat lunch and then they went over to my neighbors house to chill for a little. Fine by me. I can just exercise more, so I did. I felt so crappy by that point that i didn't even feel guilty about doing exercise. I just wanted to melt all of the fat away. They stayed there for awhile and then came back and then they left to go out to dinner with Denise's parents, and then are headed over to my Dad's friends house for a fire with some people. Denise asked me to bake some brownies for the fire, and as they were cooking I wanted to gag. The smell was so overwhelming and ED told me that I was such a good girl for not licking the batter or stealing a brownie. He told me that I have self control unlike the people who will be eating them. Then ED came in as I took them out of the oven and told me to eat the entire pan. He wanted me to binge. HAHA ya right I have never done that, and I wouldn't be starting now. Plus i can't purge so that would be a huge issue. But I don;t know it really bothered me having those brownies around. I want nothing to do with anything like that. It makes me uncomfortable.

Ever since they left I have just been here doing nothing different than what I have been doing all day long.

Exercise, scale, mirror, TV, exercise, scale, mirror, TV, eat, mirror, scale, exercise.

It's driving me crazy. I can't stand looking at this body right now.

I just want to fucking lose weight. I just want to eat 200 calories a day. I just want to feel skinny and look skinny. I want all of that shit back. And I hate how I go on these thinspo sites with girls posting pictures of how skinny and bony they are and how little they eat, and then here I am, a fat fuck, who is eating like a complete pig. I feel like shit. I want to do whatever I want just like they can. Why can't I? Why can't people just let me have an eating disorder like I want to? Maybe I don't want to be saved. 

I hate that tomorrow is a holiday and that Denise will be home and Dad will be around.

I hate even more that it's the start of another dreadful week full of appointments that I am so nervous for.

I hate that it's another week of seeing the number on the scale and eating the same stuff over and over and not even tasting it or wanting it whatsoever.

I am wasting my energy on something that I don't even want. Why?

Why am I doing this for people when they don't even seem to care right now anyway?

Oh but if I was in the hospital with a million fucking IV's in my arms they would give a shit then.

Is that what it will take? Why do I want to make everyone so happy? Everyone but myself.

I am living my life to fit everyone else's expectations because I don't want to disappoint anyone.

But I can't admit to people that this isn't what I want. Recovery isn't what I want, not right now at least.

Why do I want people to care and worry so much about me?

Is it because I am usually the one who cares for others and gives the love and the fact that I am receiving it because I have an eating disorder is making me want to stay like this?

Why does is make me feel so much more special and like I'm worth more?

I don't know I don't know I don't know!

I just don't want to have to face another week, lying about how I'm "fine" when I'm really not, or that I'm not exercising when I am, or that I am eating everything I'm supposed to when I'm not, or that I'm really trying my best to fight ED.

I'm sick of lying about it all. I'm not okay, I'm not doing well, my mind is fucked up.

All I want to do is ruin myself. I want to fucking waste away. I feel like it wouldn't make a difference either way. I would either lose tons of weight, starve and kill myself, or I would recover but in the end either way I feel like I would disappear form the world and it wouldn't make a difference or change any one's lives whatsoever. I've already faded, and right now I don't have any intention of making my way back into the light of the real world. It's too scary, it's too overwhelming, it's too much.

It's a big fucking step and i don't think I'm ready. I still want to remain in this little bubble of anorexia because it's where I'm most comfortable. It's my identity, it's who I have been for the past 2 1/2 years. No shit I wouldn't want to change that. It's uncomfortable and unappealing.

I don't know.

I know i sound all over the place.

I say I don't want to fight but I still am because i feel like I have no other choice.

I'm confusing myself. I wish I was a rebel and would just skip my doctor's appointments and starve myself and lose weight just like everyone else can. If they can why can't I? Why can't I just fucking do what I want with my life? I can't stand seeing other girls getting away with it so easily. It's unfair. ED is roaring. He wants me to exercise, and I will, but I'll try not to do more than I usually do, but on the other hand I just feel so shitty right now that I don't give a fuck. And he wants me to skip snack, but I won't skip the entire thing, I might just "forget" to add something. I'm digging myself into this hole and I'm letting myself fall deeper and deeper. i can see it happening but I can't stop. ED is taking over.

Tomorrow is just the start of another week where ED will dominate my life. Every second, every minute, every day. Every meal, every snack, everything.

I wish God would just take me now. I wish for that more than anything right now. If he wants me to be happy then why won't he do it? I know I would be happier than doing this right now. Fuck, just get me away from all of this. far far away from all of this.