Just incase you didn't know I posted earlier today because I wasn't able to last night,

so catch up with that first if you must.

I woke up the morning and was afraid to look in the mirror.

I was afraid that I would regret that I didn't exercise last night.

I was afraid that my worst nightmare would come true.

I slowly searched for my bones and they were still there; I breathed.

I got out of bed only to find someone staring back at me.

Would she be different? Would she be fat?

I was afraid to know.

I slowly lifted up my shirt to see the damage that had been done.

To my surprise nothing had changed, at least not to my knowledge.

There were things here and there that ED said were different but they weren't that big.

But I still hated myself.

I was just relieved that I could still see my stomach muscles and bones.

After all, that's all that matters right?

I felt sick to my stomach just even thinking about breakfast and the day ahead of me.

This day would be the real test. It would be the first full day with my real meal plan.

I hate myself for not having that Boost yesterday, because it has only made me even more anxious today.

But I tried to tell myself that I have had it before, and I can have it again.

I snuck into my Dad's room while he was in the bathroom taking a shower, pretty risky.

My heart was beating so fast and I just stood there staring at the scale.

What would the number be? Would it be higher? I didn't even want to know, but I NEEDED to.

I stepped on, closed my eyes, opened them and slowly looked down.

It was the same as yesterday. I could breathe.

But then ED came in and told me that was only because I didn't really eat everything I was supposed to yesterday and that after today the number would definitely go up.

I fucking believe him. I know it will be different. I know it will make a difference.

But I just tried to focus on the fact that it didn't change, because that's all that really matters.

After that I went downstairs to make an easy low calorie breakfast, but I had to add another thing for my increase. I didn't want to fucking do it. Blah. But I did. I tried to distract and just not think about it.

Whatever, it was over and done with.

I usually look at all my blogs that I usually do in the morning after breakfast but of course fucking Blogger was down. Just my luck. What was I going to do with my day now? ED was already loud and now that I had nothing to do it would be even harder to deal with. I was at a loss. All I wanted was for everything to be fucking normal! AHHHHHH.

I decided to go outside because it was nice out, and I painted.

It actually took up all of the time from breakfast until my snack so it was good that it passed the time.

I needed that badly. I have to say though that Dad went to the store and I ran. I needed to.

I just felt so bad about myself because of breakfast even though the number was the same as yesterday. Ugh. I was disappointed, but not doing crunches is big, even though I still had the whole day in front of me to deal with so who knew what would happen. I had my snack after, and then went back outside to finish up my painting. It fucking sucked. I can't do anything well anymore. All I'm good at is my eating disorder. I don't even know why I tried to paint. I want it to be perfect but it just wasn't and that made me feel terrible. Dad said it was good but I know he was just saying that to make me feel good. But I knew it wasn't good at all. After I was done I did my normal cleaning and it took up about an hour and then that brought me to lunch. This is when everything got really hard. 1- I was still full from snack so therefore wasn't even in the mood to have anything and 2- This is where I had to have my Boost that I didn't have yesterday so it would make it even harder. But I tried to push through it. I had what I needed to and I just tried to deal with it. Afterwards I checked Blogger and it was finally up and running! THANK GOD!!! I don't know how much longer I could've gone without it. So then I caught up on all my blogs and I ended up writing a post updating everyone on my day yesterday. That took up a lot of time because it took me awhile to write, and then I finished up some more cleaning and then took a much needed shower. It was then snack and bleh I didn't want anything to do with it. I felt so fat and gross. I kept looking at myself in the mirror all day. All I saw was fat. There wasn't enough muscle for me to see. I wanted more. I didn't really exercise but I did dance a little. I know that sounds really weird and you're probably picturing me right now looking so awkward dancing by myself but it's actually a good workout, and I used to do it awhile ago. ED tells me it's better than nothing, and i think he's right. But I'm trying not to give into any other urges to do crunches. i just can't take the risk right now. Dad left for card night with his friends and I was home alone. I pulled out the scale and the number was still the same as yesterday. i could still breathe. I went downstairs, started making dinner and waited for it to cook. ED told me to run, and I took advantage of the time because Denise wasn't home yet. Dumb dumb dumb. I am so fucking stupid now that I look back on it. Ugh. Will I ever be able to just sit still and not do anything?! I doubt it. I nit picked at dinner but added my increase and something else that I was going to keep out, so I guess that was a positive step. It wasn't that high of a dinner but I still felt terrible and looked at my gross stomach right after. STUPID. Denise came home and i told her about my frustrating day and how I needed to take a walk. She ate and I did the dishes then we went for a walk and we just came back. I talked a lot with her tonight about things. I talked about how my old cheering gym had their banquet last night and how my old coach didn't even contact Dad or me about the award. I was waiting for her to since she always had in the past. But there was nothing. She must have not even given it out, and that kind of hurt I'm not going to lie. And even if she did give it out, it hurts that she wouldn't include us either. But whatever I guess. Clearly it's just not a big deal anymore. Then after talking about that we talked about Mom and stuff we talked about in the family meeting on Wednesday. It's really awkward talking to Denise about Mom. I really never talk about Mom in general anyway, but tonight was okay I guess. We kind of just talked about why I may have developed and eating disorder and how Mom's death probably affected me. I told her how I was so young back then that I didn't even grieve, and I feel like as i got older and realized that she was never coming back, that's when I started grieving. Thinking back on it, Mom's death was something I didn't have control over. And maybe having an eating disorder was a way that I thought I could gain control? I don't know. It's all so confusing to even think about. I feel like there is so much underlying stuff but i honestly don't even want to deal with it. I don't want to have to face the pain of Mom's death, and my feelings. It's all too painful and hard to deal with. Denise thinks that the whole fear of being abandoned comes from me thinking Mom abandoned me. And also Dad mentioned that maybe a part of it had to do with when Mom passed away how everyone was there for me so much and did anything for me and then as time went on they went away. I feel like this is the same thing. Now that something tragic has happened in my life again, people are here for me, but I'm afraid that they will fade away just like they did before. I like feeling that love, I like feeling that care. It comforts me, and i don't want to lose it. That's probably the main fear I have at this point. UGH! This is all so confusing and hurts my head to even think about.

I am not happy that it's the weekend tomorrow.

I hate the weekend.

There is nothing to do ever which means I'm in my head even more.

But I scheduled an extra appointment to go see Lindsay tomorrow morning because I have been struggling so much. Hopefully that will take up some time and will help me out since I'm struggling. I mean I have been doing better the past few days with getting back on track, but mentally I am hurting. I hate saying that, and i don't know if I want to admit it. I don't want everyone focusing on me because they see me slipping. I feel like I need to fake it, but like Dr. Gupta told me yesterday, she can tell if I'm faking it. Ugh I don't know what to do! I confuse myself so fucking much. One part of me doesn't want to let people know I'm struggling, but then the other part of me doesn't want people to think I'm okay! xsjncjnewjchnerhvncrnfvu I'm such a fuck. I hate how I go back and forth so much. One second I don't listen to ED and I can be rational but then before I know it I'm in my basement running or I'm throwing away my food. One second I want a life, one second I want to stay with ED. One second I see fat all over my body and then the next second I see bones. One second I have a "fuck it I don't care" attitude, and the next second I'm so afraid that I do everything right. That's at the point where I'm at now. The past week I was in that I don't care mode, but now that I've lost weight and I had my appointment, I'm so scared that if I fuck up I'll end up in treatment or something. I'm doing everything out of fear. I'm so scared to do the right thing though. I'm so scared to actually follow my meal plan and really try to not exercise. It just doesn't seem right to me. ED has made me feel like the shittiest person in the world ever since I didn't listen to him last night. He's making me want to cut and tear myself to shreds. I feel so worthless, I feel so depressed. Isn't fighting ED supposed to make me feel powerful and amazing? Isn't it supposed to make me stronger? It's not. The more I try to fight ED the worse I feel. All it's doing is causing ED to become louder and meaner. I wish someone could save me. Isn't that what God is for? Isn't he supposed to save me when I'm struggling? If so then why is all of this still happening? I just don't understand.

I just had my snack which means I had to have my increase.

I feel like pure shit. Fat, huge, bloated, meaty, gross.

I WANT TO EXERCISE NOW. NOW. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

But I can't. I need to fight this. I need to pass this test of today.

If I wake up tomorrow and it's like today was, and I don't look different and the number is the same, then I will have the confidence to do it again, and it will get a little easier each day.

But I just want to give in so badly.

But then I know I NEED to experience this feeling at some point.

I won't be able to exercise after I eat for my whole life.

I need to stop doing it so obsessively. I need to.

But it just takes away so much stress and bad feelings towards myself.

I feel like it is the only way I can stay sane.

I feel like I'm looking more and more normal and I'm depressed about it.

Please just tell me I look thin, please tell me that I don't look well, don't tell me I look better.

I just can't stand it for much longer.

I better not have fucking that much more to gain. I really better not.

I don't know how much longer I can deal with eating this fucking much.

It's not fucking normal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But yet I don't want to be fucking normal!

I don't know what the fuck I want.

But I know one thing I do want; to be fucking skinny. THAT'S ALL.

I better not wake up tomorrow and be fatter.

I swear I will give up.

That number better be the same.

If not, I'm done.