I don't feel like I can even hide it anymore.

Everyone seems to be catching on, and it's worrying me.

I don't want anyone to know, I don't want anyone to pay attention. They don't need to, it's not important anyway. I'm not dying so it doesn't matter.

I'm trying to hold back my tears every moment so they don't slip out of my eyes and onto my face but it's so hard. It seems like one second I want to cry so bad but they won't come out, and then other times they are uncontrollable and I can't help but let them come out.

I have my times when I feel so completely numb that I experience and feel nothing, but today wasn't one of those days. I felt every emotion that came upon me and it hurt like hell. I hated it. I hate feeling. I don't want to feel. It makes everything worse than it already is right now. I don't need more pain. I don't want to face reality, I'm just not ready to.

I've been extremely angry with a lot of things today.

Well first it started with tears and depression and then that turned into immense anger.

I was on my way to my apps with Dad today like usual but it didn't go well.

We made our stop at Walmart and he said he had to get a lot for Mother's Day.

Fuck. Mother's Day. I totally forgot. I hate it. I asked him if I usually got a card for Denise or not and he looked at me like I had 5 heads and said of course I do.

I stood there in front of the cards with so much hurt.

Seeing all of the "To Mom from Daughter" cards makes my heart ache.

It makes me depressed how I will never be able to give anyone one of those cards ever again in my life, or how i haven't been able to give one in a number of years.

I used to love picking out Mother's Day cards and getting her gifts to make her feel special and loved, but I can't do that anymore.

All I can do now is be forced to pick out a Mother's Day card for someone who isn't even my mother.

I feel so insincere giving Denise a card, because I usually don't feel how the card reads.

But like I said, I feel forced from Dad, and part of me would feel bad a little but still.

He kept handing me a few and all I did was pick the one that was the least amount of money, and one that wasn't too emotional and mushy. I hate that shit.

But I took it, payed for it, and put it with all of my stuff.

In the car ride Dad asked me if I got anything for Denise. I just said the card because I didn't really know what else to get her. I could tell he was upset with me and thought of me as inconsiderate for not getting anything but seriously, I don't want to.

I told him how awkward I still feel giving her stuff on Mother's Day.

He started screaming at me and said that I need to stop using excuses.

I said how it was still a hard day for me, and then he basically slapped me in the face by saying " You should be over it by now." and "You're used to feeling to upset and miserable all the time anyway so this shouldn't be hard." WHAT? I instantly started crying. Who the fuck does he think he is? Okay Dad, sorry I'm not over my Mom dying like you may be. You have fucking Denise to take her spot and you can have her love you now, but I don;t have that! NO ONE CAN FUCKING REPLACE A GIRLS MOTHER! Oh, and at this point I was supposed to be having snack. I almost threw it out the window. But I didn't. I just cried, and texted and tried to block him out. He doesn't fucking get ANYTHING.

We didn't talk the rest of the way. I was too pissed at him and upset. I hope he knew it.

I went in to get weighed, and wasn't that nervous about it. I knew I got even more fat this week so ya, I wasn't stressing too much. I was in and out pretty quick but then had to wait awhile for my nutrition appointment. All I could hear as I was waiting were my Dad's harsh words. And they hurt the more and more I heard them. I hated him for saying that. I hated him for being such an asshole. I was nervous for my appointment because I really didn't want another increase. I lied and told her that I was having the same problem as last week and she was surprised because I hadn't lost any weight. She was happy I didn't, but I wanted to shoot myself. I DON'T LIKE THAT IM GETTING FAT!!!!!!! WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE LIKE IT?! FUCK THEM. I told myself that I wasn't going to eat any more no matter what. No fucking need to since I was gaining anyway. She asked what i wanted to do as far as an increase and then I freaked out and asked why I couldn't just stay where I'm at since I've been gaining, and she said that when she's done that in the past I've still lost weight. I was so annoyed because this isn't the case now! I'm too fat and my body is holding onto every little thing now rather than eating it all up like before causing me to lose. She said that since I'm still not at my weight I have to keep increasing. I tried to stay calm and she suggested what she would increase, and luckily it wasn't another Boost, and I thought it would be. But then she asked if I wanted to see how this week went by following my meal plan 100%, which definitely won't happen and then I could have the increase next week. I took her up on that offer because obviously I wouldn't want to eat more right now, I'd rather wait. I asked her if I had a long ways to go as far as gaining weight but she wouldn't even tell me anything. That annoyed me. I should be able to know. IT'S MY FUCKING BODY! Ugh I was so annoyed, but thankful that I didn't have to increase. I mean I probably wouldn't have anyway so whatever I guess it wouldn't have made a difference. So now I have an excuse if I do lose this week. It can be on her for not increasing my meal plan, but we'll see.

We left after that and i still wasn't talking to Dad. He didn't even ask how it went. Pretty fucking inconsiderate. I made him drive since I had to eat lunch. I didn't have all of it. I picked at it and left some stuff behind and it made me feel good. It made me feel even better that I "forgot" to bring my Boost so I couldn't have it. OOPS. That made me feel a little better too. Less calories, less fat to gain. I know that probably wasn't a good idea but I don;t care at this point. I'm sick of getting fucking fat. About halfway home he switched off the radio and decided to lecture me. He asked what's been going on and said he can see that I'm getting back into my bad habits of isolating, watching the Food Network, and not talking to him and Denise. Ya he's fucking right, I'm slipping! But I didn't say that exactly. I just said I was having a hard time with body image and that I feel fat, but he doesn't even listen to me. He just gets annoyed because I;m irrational. He said to me, "Why wouldn't you want to get healthy and gain weight?" UHHHHHH because I'd be FAT! Duh. He also said "Is the reason you're having such a hard time and slipping back because of the fact that yous till don't want this for yourself?" I lied and said no, I do want this but it's just hard right now. Lies lies lies. Part of me wants to fight this shit off but a bigger part of me wants to stay with it. Like I said before I feel like I'm being forced to recover, I'm not doing it because i want to. So yeah, he's right. He just kept going on and on about how I need to focus on the positive things and not make everyday so miserable. He said i need to try harder and always do the right thing. YA OKAY DAD CAUSE IT'S THAT EASY. Clearly I'm not trying hard enough for him. I need to be perfect. I'm never ever enough. He kept talking and talking, and I honestly stopped hearing him. I drowned out his voice by saying a million "Fuck you Dad"'s in my head. I can't stand him. He makes me so angry. Especially today. Now i really need to put on an act and show that I am okay. I don't want him involved. He needs to stay the fuck out. He said he's afraid I'm gonna have to go back to treatment, but I know i can't get that bad. But who knows, maybe he's right. I don't even fucking know right now.

Denise came home and Dad left for cards and I vented to her a little about him and my day.

OH YA, I forgot to mention that I came home from my apps and had to go to the grocery store and I ran into an old cheering friend's mom and it was hell. SHE SAID I LOOKED GOOD. Seriously, could my day get any worse? Whenever she said that I immediately looked away and had to just try to ignore her. Too bad if she felt I was being a bitch, I just couldn't hear it. SEE! I AM A FAT FUCK! I DON'T NEED TO GAIN ANYMORE! I LOOK NORMAL!!!!!! FUCK THAT. I was so annoyed with everything at that point. I was already hearing what ED had to say. I tried to ignore it but I just couldn't. I never want to fucking go anywhere again after hearing shit like that. Don't people get it?! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!! Blah. I came home and almost didn't have all of my snack, but I skimped out on it a little bit. Whatever. I did my usual thing until dinner and didn't have it all, and as soon as Dad left for cards I started running laps. I wasn't able to at all today so then was the perfect opportunity. I know I am doing so bad fighting ED but I don't even care at this point, I'm too scared. I NEED to listen. I can't let myself get fat. I'm gonna keep gaining and gaining and gaining. FUCK. Ugh. Then like I said Denise came home and we went for a walk. I know she's trying to be supportive and everything but 'm just annoyed with everyone like I said, and I don't want to let anyone in. Blah. I'm so stuck. I don't know what to do. I know I'm not gonna be able to follow my meal plan this week coming up and I know I won't be able to stop exercising. I just can't. I can't let myself get any bigger. I'm so fucking depressed. I wish this wasn't my life. I'm wasting it all away. All to be fucking skinny. Just like my Dad said today I probably will end up waking up ten years from now and kicking myself in the ass for doing this to myself and not changing. I don't feel like I can change it though. I feel like it's impossible. Ugh. I'm hopeless.