I fucked up.

I failed.

I can't do this.

I'm not strong enough.

ED has a belt wrapped around my neck, and every time I don't listen to him he suffocates me,

suffocates me with his criticism, anger, thoughts, and words.

Everything he says stays engraved in my head and plays over and over like a broken record.

But every word and every comment causes the same amount of pain.

Like a slit to my wrist, causing all of my emotions to come pouring out like blood.

I have nothing to repair them or make them heal; they are just being re-opened again and again.

This is all becoming too much. Why does this have to take so long? Where is God when I need him?

I have been drowning in my destructive thoughts the entire day.

My day has revolved around the scale, mirrors, calories, anxiety, and food.

I didn't have one moment of peace. All there was was chaos.

I was afraid to wake up today which is no different than any other day, but I figured that today wouldn't be as bad since I had survived waking up yesterday and seeing that I wasn't a whale.

Today was different. Today was worse. Today was the nightmare I had pictured.

I knew it would happen at some point. It is bound to right?

I woke up and couldn't feel my bones, I looked in the mirror and couldn't see them or my muscles as clearly as I could yesterday. Why? Why?

All I wanted to do was see what the scale said. I was afraid but curiosity gets the best of me.

But I had to wait, and I hate waiting.

I was anxious for breakfast this morning because it was a bigger portion because of my increase and the breakfast I would normally have was really filling as it was, so to add even more, it scared me.

But I sucked it up and just did it.

I told myself that I needed to go through this and I needed to face the fact that it was going to suck and I would be uncomfortable. I hated every second. I wanted to stop. But I tried my best and had most of it.

I went to church after, but my mind was still racing.

I was thinking about exercise and how bad I wanted to do it. How I NEEDED to do it.

I was sitting in church and really tried to listen to the priest, but I got caught up in staring at everyone else.

Particularly a little girl in front of me.

I looked at her and started to compare myself to her. My arms, her arms, my wrist, her wrist.

I caught myself and realized how fucking messed up that was.

Like really? I'm comparing myself to a 9yr old?! Am I kidding?

But ED made me. He even congratulated me for having smaller wrists than her, and telling me that she was chubbier than i was as a child. I liked hearing it all. I was soaking it all in. But I'm ashamed that I was even comparing myself to her in the first place. Then I moved onto another woman. She was older but ED told me she was skinnier. Then he yelled at me and made me feel my stomach and tell me how I needed to cut back on calories for the day and exercise. It made me feel so self conscious. All I wanted to do was hide in my baggy clothes so no one could see how fat I was.

After that I went home and just wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

I had to have snack and I knew that it was higher calorie versus what I had yesterday.

Of course ED reminded me of that. That lead me to not measure everything out perfectly which meant probably got less than I should have. But before snack I did what ED told me and I went to the scale.

I was scared out of my mind because today I actually did look and feel a lot bigger.

It was true. I was bigger. I was fat. I gained weight.

I started to cry because ED started yelling about how fat I was.

I looked in the mirror at my huge stomach and close together thighs with tears in my eyes.

I wanted nothing to do with my snack. But I forced myself to have it, although it probably wasn't enough.

I felt so full afterwards. More than usual. It really bothered me and made everything a lot harder to handle.

I tried to stay busy and I actually made a "My Story" page on my blog and typed that out for a really long time. I just kept going and going and going and it is way too long and some of what I said is pointless but whatever I don't care. Before I knew it it was already fucking lunch, but of course I had to listen to ED first and go upstairs to do what he told me. I didn't want to, but I had to. I felt as though I just ate a fucking meal and I was scared to have lunch. Although it was one of my safe meals, it still was fucking harder than usual. I nit picked and had what I could handle and that was that. It wasn't that large of a meal but it filled me up way too much. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so fucking uncomfortable. I couldn't stop looking in the mirror and feeling my belly. Exercise was the only thought in my head and it wouldn't leave. I went up to my room which probably isn't a good thing because no one can see what I'm doing when I'm up there, but I needed to just lay down and get away from everyone. I put on the tv, laid in my bed and thought i was going to explode. Nothing was making me feel any less fat. I kept seeing images in my ead of my stomach growing and growing and me not being able to stop it. I weighed myself and became even more depressed when i saw that the number I had seen before was actually correct. I went back to my room, and watched Matilda, a great movie. I forced myself to have snack, but didn't have all of it. I just couldn't. I felt so fucking gross and sick still from lunch, but I had most of it. But of course i had to start and stop at the same time that I usually do, and I had to split up the time with my leg lifts. ED has so much fucking control. I felt even worse after, and proceeded to look in the mirror. Only to see a food baby staring back at me. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to run away but I could do nothing but stand there and look at this ugly image of myself in the mirror. That's when it happened. I weighed myself again, and saw the number yet again, and it was even higher probably because I just had my snack but that didn't make a difference to me. I went back to my room, sat on the floor, and ED spoke. "Just do a few sit ups; you've gained way too much and since you're following your meal plan it won't change anything, it will just cause you to keep your stomach toned and not have it all turn to fat." And at that point I was so vulnerable and feeling so crappy that I gave in. I started doing crunches and it gave me that high feeling. I kept going and going until he said it was okay to stop. I felt good, but then the guilt and worry hit me. "What if I just caused myself to lose weight? What will happen at the doctors? Did I just fuck everything up now?" I felt terrible. I feel like a failure. I couldn't even last three days without exercising. I can't do anything right. I shouldn't even try. I'm clearly not strong enough to fight ED and trust my body and my team. I put all of my trust in ED. I thought I was going to be able to fight it, but I all of a sudden just caved in. Then there was no stopping me. All of a sudden I felt skinnier afterwards, and my food baby was gone. ED got the best of me, and I really did feel better physically afterwards. Then ED made me add up my calories for the day. I knew i shouldn't have done it but I did. And it only caused me to freak out and cut back on things to make sure the number didn't go too high. I listened to ED yet again. Little fucker. Now I've gotten myself back into 2 bad habits that are so hard to break. I've already added up calories for other days! I've already messed up even more! What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm such a fucking failure. Everyone thinks I'm trying when I'm really not. I'm doing the least possible thing I can to get by. I'm not working hard. I'm ashamed. I used to be so strong, where did that go? I don't even know where to go from here. I don't know if I'll keep exercising, I don't know if I'll start restring because of my calories, I don't know. But I need to fucking not get sucked back in. If I do, I'll lose weight and then my appointment will suck dick. Then i will be miserable and my doctor will be mad. I can't let that happen right? I would regret it right? All I'm thinking about is how much further I have to go weight wise. Ever since my doctor said I "don't have far to go" I've been wanting to know how far that actually is. I know what I want the answer to be, but I don't know if we're on the same page. With my my luck, she's pages ahead of me. I'm trying to tell myself that even though the number was higher, I can't let it get me down. I need to remember that I have to get used to the number going up within the next few weeks, and that by it going up, that only means that I'm closer to the day when she tells me I don't have to gain anymore. I'm trying really really hard to remind myself of that. But it's hard when I focus on the number so damn much. I wish it just wasn't so complicated. I wish I could just stay where I'm at. How will 3lbs make that much of a difference? It's just a number isn't it? UGH! i'm so stressed out now. I just want to be in my own world; a world where I can do whatever I wish. I mean this is MY life isn't it?

Dinner was hard and snack will be even harder.

Exercise is still the first thing on my mind, but I'm going to try to not give in this time around.

I'm going to try to allow myself to have one slip up, but I can't let it become a cycle.

So I'm trying to just accept that today was a bad day, and maybe tomorrow I will feel a million times better, but me and better are never in the same category.

It seems there is always something that gets me down and upset.

My fear is that if I gained this much after 3 days then I'm going to gain so much by my appointment.

I'm hoping that it's just water weight and it's my body adjusting to having more food, but I hate that the number is going up, yet I'm relieved because then I won't get in trouble for my appointment.

I need to just try and suck it up for the time being and get to where I need to be.

But part of me doesn't even want to get there.

Getting to that weight means I'm not as sick, and I don't like the thought of that.

At all.

It scares me. The horrible word "normal" pops into my head and I want to run far away from it.

But then the other part of me just wants all thid weight gain to be over because it SUCKS.

I don't know which one I want more. Its a toss up.

But either way I need to get there at some point, and I would rather not go through this gaining weight shit a million times because it's one of the hardest things to have to deal with.

I'm only agreeing to get to the minimum healthy weight for my height and nothing higher. 108.

They can't make me get any higher. Technically that is considered healthy, so they can't argue with me.

They can't make me do fucking anything. I swear I won't go higher.

That's even way too fucking high. Ugh. Nothing is ever an okay weight for me.

I'm scared. I still want to look small and sick!

I want people to care and say how thin I look!

What the fuck is wrong with me.

People probably don't even give a shit about how I look, but I DO!!!!!

Why so much? I don't know. It's all ED.

I'm just scared. What happens when i get to that weight?

Will I keep gaining and gaining? Will they let me? Will I be able to even maintain there?

I don't feel like I'll be able to handle it.

Everyone says it doesn't get easier when your at a healthier weight because the thoughts become more intense. I'm scared because they're so intense now. I can't even imagine what they'll be like in a few weeks.

I'm pettrified.

Someone save me from all of these numbers.

I'm drowning and I can't fucking get out.

Tomorrow is the start of a new week that I'm not looking forward to.

Mondays are the absolute worst day for me. I do nothing but sit here.

I'm done all of my paintings so now I don't have anything to paint. So I need to come up with something.

I saved some of my meal plan to do for tomorrow and I have to shower so I'll just split it up or something.

I know ED is going to be so loud from the moment I wake up.

I'm afraid to eat tomorrow. I'm afraid to try to fight ED.

I see myself getting weaker again, but I can't let myself slip. I just can't.

I need to push through as best as i can.

I'm just afraid that if I weigh myself tomorrow and the number is the same as today or even higher, then I will believe ED when he tells me I can exercise because it didn't make a difference.

I know I will believe him and I know I will give in.

I already know that's what is going to happen.

FUCK.

I'm so fucking vulnerable right now.

I'm ED's fucking slave and I'm listening to everything he has to say.

He's scaring the shit out of me and i don't know what to do about it.

I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to go to.

Everyone has disappeared, i haven't talked to people in days and it hurts.

I feel like i really am fighting all alone, and i know for a fact I can't win on my own.

ED is always stronger, and ED always wins.

I'm scared for the week and what will happen. I wish I could fast forward and just get everything over with, but then before I know it I will feel the same way becasue it will be the start of the next week.

I can never fucking escape these feelings of anxiety.

Will I always feel this way?

Will I ever be left alone without ED screaming in my ear?

Fuck no. That's impossible.

Ugh snack is soon and I'm scared. I took a Tylenol PM so i could maybe get some sleep.

I hope I don't wake up, I really don't. It's not worth it to feel the pain.

I will not exercise tonight, I will not exercise tonight, I will not exercise tonight.

FUCK. I hope I won't give in.

You'll find out tomorrow!