Why do I feel this way?

I thought it was just a one day thing, but now it's been three days in a row.

And it seems like as each day keeps coming and going,
the depression gets worse and worse.

I can see it happening, but I can't stop it. It's going out of control and I just can't stop it.

I'm so fucking depressed. SO FUCKING DEPRESSED.

Nothing can get me in a good mood,
nothing can give me any motivation or hope right now.

I'm officially on auto pilot. I'm officially not myself, not even my fake self.

I can't even seem to put on an act to make it seem like I'm okay, or at least surviving.

It's like nothing will work or make me change, and I'm scared.

I can see myself hearing ED say things to me, and this time rather than just saying fuck you ED you're a liar, I'm not even doing that; I'm actually listening to ED and questioning if he's right about what he says or not. And the past few days it's just scaring me. I really feel like mentally I'm going so far backwards.

I thought I was supposed to be able to embrace recovery and even though the gaining weight is hard, and eating is still hard, and I still don't like how I look, I should be able to look forward to the life I could be creating for myself, but I'm not even looking to the future. It's just a big black hole of unknown. I'm afraid of the unknown therefore I'm so afraid to even push forward to see what that looks like. People say it's better, but that doesn't mean it will be that way for me. It's hard to believe right now that there is anything good that  can come out of this. It's hard to keep pushing forward like everyone else wants me to when I have no hope. I'm trying to take everyone else's hope, and try to use it to help me to hold on but there is only so much I can do. I just can't seem to get motivation from anywhere, and I know I've already said that a million times, but I officially don't know what to do with myself. I'm lost, and I'm breaking more and more as I approach each day. Even though each day is basically the same, it seems like as each one passes it just keeps hitting me harder and harder. I feel like a nail in a board and the hammer just keeps hammering down on me harder and harder until I break. ED's hammering me to the point of breaking me, making me give in. I want to cry so bad and scream at the same time. I just want all of the shit to fucking end. I WANT IT TO BE OVER. SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP. I'M BEGGING. I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN DO THIS. I'm lost. It's now a fact. So how am I supposed to find my way again? I have no clue, and I'm scared. I'm scared I won't be able to pull myself out of this. I want to wake up tomorrow and have this all just be a bad nightmare. But reality is this IS my reality, and I can't change that.

I couldn't stay away from the scale today.

I don't even know how many times I fucking stepped on that thing,
too many to count or even remember.

I can't tell you how many times I lifted my shirt up to look at my stomach or drop my pants to look at my thighs growing closer and closer by the day. I can see it. It's driving me crazy. I wish I could just stop; stop putting myself through that torture of looking at myself. I need to accept the fact that I am gaining weight, which realistically means that ya, I am gonna look different. I won't be able to see my bones as clearly, I won't be able to see my ribs or my spine, I won't be able to see that six pack that I crave and always will crave. I need to fucking realize that a six pack isn't something normal to have! It's very rare that women have six packs. SO why am I so obsessed? I know that it's somewhat not normal, but I WANT to be not normal. I want to be "that girl" that has that six pack. The girl who worked hard to get that six pack. It's driving me crazy. Since I have been fit my whole life, I'm so afraid that that will go away since I'm gaining weight, therefore I'm so scared to gain weight. I know, I'm fucking annoying but I'm fucking paranoid. It's all I think about 24/7. I need to learn to accept that my body will do what it's supposed to. I need to trust my body, and trust that it will turn out maybe better than I thought. I know I won't find out until I try, but I'm too scared to try because I don't have a set picture of what I'll look like. The unknown. Scary. I don't know when I'll be able to accept it, but I need to at some point. But I do know for a fact that I can't make myself all of a sudden accept that; I wish I could because it make all of this a little easier. It seems impossible. I went on a rant today and went upstairs and tried on so many clothes. Practically everything in my closet. My old cheering skirt, jeans, tight fitted shirts, sweaters, everything. I fucking tried on what a 13 year old would wear. My old fucking cheering skirt, youth fucking large cheering shorts, bathing suits, kids large abercrombie sweater. I'm putting myself through hell. I felt like shit about my body today, and I needed something to give me the truth whether or not I really look like I've gained a lot like the scale says. It made me happy that that stuff fit. It eased my mind to look in the mirror backwards and see that I can still see my spine and my ribs; I can see that my waist is like a 10 year old. I shouldn't be happy about that, I should realize that I need to get healthy and gain weight. i should WANT  to gain weight so I can look like a woman instead of a 13 year old fucking boy with a straight frame and no boobs. Why the fuck should I want to look like that? It's so frustrating because i know it's so absurd but I STILL WANT IT! I STILL GET HAPPY SEEING THINGS THAT I SHOULDN'T!! I see that the number is going up on the scale, and once again I'm torturing myself because ED just tortures me more and more and I feel that worse about myself. But, the only semi-good thing about the number going up is for my appointment tomorrow. It puts me at ease a little bit to hopefully see that what I did payed off and that I will be acknowledged for that tomorrow. I'm still scared just based on everything that happened last time. It seems like the rug gets pulled out from under my feet and things don't go as I planned. I'm scared for that again. But, there is nothing I can do. All I could do is follow my meal plan and not exercise. I did that this week; had a few slip ups, but that's expected because I'm not perfect, I'm just hoping that it didn't affect me and hurt me. I pray to God that everything will work out. Please please please. It's what I need right now. That is one thing that will keep me going, so I hope it's all going to be okay. Please. I've struggled a lot this week, and I'm going to tell them that. I'm going to tell them about my nightmares that I've been having and I don't know if I want to ask what my weight range really is or not. Part of me wants to because I'm curious but the other part of me is too scared that it won't be the answer I want, and that will ruin me. That could make me lapse and turn around and go completely back down in the dark deep hole. I don't know what i should do. I guess whatever happens happens. Pray for me, please. I need prayers because I need hope, and i need faith. All I have is my faith right now, so that's what I'm riding on. I'm scared as fuck and I just want it to go away. I want to scream and make it all end. I don't want to live this life anymore. It's not worth it.