Today was so long, but better than I thought it would be.

I'm not feeling well at all mentally or physically but that's normal right now I guess.

I totally listened to ED today many times, but whatever.

I got such a high from restricting it's unbelievable, it's so weird.

It's so pathetic to know that it makes me happier if I don't eat everything.

I know I got myself into this bad habit again, and I'm not looking forward to breaking it tomorrow. Not at all.

Today marks a very important time for Leo's. It's supposedly a time where change is embraced, and a lot of good things can happen. It's about becoming free and finding out who you are. I thought that was interesting. I thought it was even more ironic that this started on the day of my appointment. I guess I got lucky. I was so anxious this morning, but I was still trying to be positive about everything. I really didn't know what to expect, but I knew deep down that I did all I could've, and that's all that I can do. I was just hoping that it would work out in my favor, and luckily it did. I went in, got weighed, and waited SO long for my doctor, it was making me soooo anxious! But she came in with a smile and asked how I was doing, and I told her I was better this week and followed my meal plan and blah blah all that shit. She said I didn't lose, which was ultimately the goal because otherwise I would've had to go to partial and now I don't, for now anyway. I then went up to see my nutritionist, which I always dread because I have to eat even more food. I really like her as a person and a nutritionist and it's nothing against her, but I don't like being told I have to eat more and still gain weight. But my doctor had called and talked to her after she saw me and updated her with my weight and everything. She also told me that I didn't lose, so then I asked if I gained, and she said yes, that I gained just enough, not too much, at a perfect rate just like they wanted. I fucking hated hearing that. I hate hearing that I gained weight. I don't want to gain weight! UGHHHHHHH I don't know what to doooooo I don't know how I'm going to get myself through this. But she ended up increasing two things, and of course I'm fucking pissed off and scared as fuck because I already feel fat, but I'm forced to deal with it. I could've started my increases when I got home, but I immediately listened to ED. I don't know why, but I was so vulnerable for some reason, and ED told me that since I got through my appointment, I could get away with not eating everything I needed to; and I listened, and I loved it. In the moment I felt great but afterwards I felt extremely guilty. I went into freak out mode and thought all of a sudden that I screwed up everything and now I was going to lose weight and be screwed next week and blah blah, so many fucking thoughts. I picked myself up by saying that all I can do is do the right thing the next time a meal or snack comes up. But either way I feel so guilty. I'm getting the re-feeding belly and I'm so scared of how much bigger it's going to get. I know that everyone who is underweight and then forced to gain weight gets it, and it doesn't last forever, maybe a few months, and it re-distributes to the rest of your body as time goes on, but I can't even deal with the thought. I hope it's not as bad as I think it will be. It's going to suck so badly, I'm going to want to kill myself. But hopefully people won't judge me on that, and hopefully no one will even see me when I have it. I won't let anyone, it's too embarrassing. I will look fat. And it will actually be true this time. What I see in the mirror and what I feel will actually be there.. It won't be distorted anymore. That's scary. I don't want that. I want to cry just thinking about it, I'm tearing up. I wish I was like everyone else and I just magically could gain weight and not get the belly. I've never not been in shape or not have had a six pack. Now that's all gone.. I'm just going to be a blob. UGH!!!!!!!!!! It's so fucking depressing, and doesn't seem worth it enough to me to recover. I'd rather not have it at all. But that can't happen. I just need to tell myself that it's not forever, and it will be that more painful if I keep fighting it. :( I'm going to be so ugly.

The rest of the day was bleh. I was pretty anxious because I actually went out for a little bit after dinner with Kate. She's really the only person I'll see; I'm just most comfortable with her. It was good to talk and catch up after not seeing her for awhile. We went to Target because she needed a few things for Spring Break, and then we went to the mall to track down something she had been looking for, but had no luck. I have to say it was the most anxious I have been in awhile. I thought I was going to crash into someone because I wasn't watching where I was going, I was too busy looking all around to make sure there was no one that knew me. I was nervous as fuck. I was praying that I wouldn't see anyone; I'm too embarrassed and uncomfortable with myself. I don't want to go out for awhile, I don't like it.. I mean it was good to be with Kate and have her there, but I just can't go out right now, and I want nothing to do with it. But I guess it made the hours pass by.

Here I am now, exhausted and ready to crash. I'm dreading waking up tomorrow and having to actually do what I'm supposed to. It's scary to know that I have to eat even more and gain even more. I don't want to do any of it. I'm scared of how big my belly is going to get. I'm ashamed; I bet you think that's disgusting and you can just picture how fat I look. I look pregnant, and will continue to as the days go on. I don't know if I can do it. Can I? I don't know. I wish I knew the answer but I don't. I figure, everyone else who has gone through recovery dealt with it so why can't I? And everyone who's recovered now doesn't look fat and none of them have the re-feeding belly, they have a normal belly. I wish it would all just re-distribute right away. I know rationally that my stomach is big because all of the food is going to my organs, and that's where all of my organs are, but it still doesn't make me accept it. I guess you won't understand unless you go through it. But just know that it's hell. And I hope you never have to go through it. It's not worth it. I wish I wasn't so fucking stupid and let myself get down to this weight. I wouldn't have to fucking go through this. What the fuck. And I still haven't learned, I still would do anything to lose more weight. But I can't anymore. I wish I could just do whatever I wanted. I feel so confused about what to do. Should I just push through the pain and realize that this won't be permanent and it will be worth it in the end? Or should I continue to fight it because that's what's safe to me? I know which one I want to do, but I also know which one I should do. Ugh I'm so stuck. So stuck in my head. I don't want to wake up tomorrow to have to deal with it even more. I have stupid therapy tomorrow too which I'm not looking forward to. I just I don't know. I'm all over the place right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just close my eyes, and not have to see or feel anything. I wish I could open my eyes and have it all of a sudden be over. But of course nothing is that easy. I really need to believe and trust that I'm going through this for a reason, and that I was given another chance for a reason. I need to keep it up, but it's just so hard right now. The demons are so loud and persuading. I want to listen, but I know I shouldn't. I want to give in, but I know I can't.