I'm so frustrated.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel like I've hit this wall that I don't have the energy to climb over.

Everyday is the same.

Everyday is a chore.

Waking up, eating, anything.

I'm sick of it. But not sick enough to do everything I need to to get rid of it.

That's what's confusing to me, and especially everyone else.

No one can see how or why I would rather live my life like this rather than live the life I could have.

And quite honestly I don't have an answer.

Today has been a roller coaster to say the least.

I had family therapy this morning bright and early and I was exhausted.

I didn't think it would be bad because the past few sessions have been alright.

Well, turns out I was wrong.

I was completely attacked by Dad and Denise and I felt ashamed.

It got me so upset and I started crying and felt like a complete loser.

I hate crying in front of people and showing people how weak I am.

They were saying all of the things that I wasn't doing and were basically pointing out all of my flaws.

I felt so cornered and felt like the rug got pulled out from under my feet. It came out of no where.

I thought things were okay at home but apparently I was the only one who thought that.

It was just really discouraging to have been putting myself through hell the past few days and then just be bombarded with things I can do better. Do they want me to be perfect? Do they want me to do all the right things and say all the right things? I don't know what to do, I don't know how to act any more.

See just like I said before nothing I ever do is good enough for anyone. I always seem to fucking disappoint everyone. Especially myself. I hate myself for putting Dad and Denise through this. They don't even want to be around me or live with me anymore. I wish I could just move out and be on my own. I wouldn't have to affect anyone or hurt anyone anymore. I can deal with the hurt myself.

It seemed like my therapist was on my side and explaining to them how hard all of this was for me and it's the eating disorder making me act the way I am. They basically said they got angry when I'm depressed or when I'm miserable and just negative. Well fucking sorry, they should try to be in my head for a day and it would be interesting if they would act how they're telling me to. I highly doubt it.

Then out of no where the therapist told them how they need to make me eat an extra bite of what they're having. What the fuck? WHY? I can't do that. What will that fucking do besides make me even more miserable? I'm way too scared to do that, but I need to pretend so I can make it seem that it doesn't freak me out so I don't get yelled at. I'll just compensate by cutting something else out on my meal plan so it will just be the same and all even out. I know that's what I shouldn't do but I just can't do that yet.

After a long and grueling appointment we walked out and Denise pulled me in and gave me a hug.

My Dad was right there beside me and they told me how they don't think I'm a failure at all, and they can see that I'm working hard. They just get so sad how they see me like this everyday, and they get impatient too because they just want me to get my life back. But sometimes they just don't understand how hard it is, I don't think anyone does.I just don't know what to do right now. I want to be the perfect child, friend, student, everything and it's driving me crazy because it seems like I can't get there. I want to make everyone happy and feel loved by everyone but that's just not happening and it's killing me. I want to be perfect. Perfect everything.

After my appointment me and Dad ran a few errands and then came home.

I came home to nothing but a boring day.

I came home to stare at myself in the mirror ten million times along with weighing myself.

I pushed myself at lunch and I regret it.

I feel like shit about myself today, both mentally and physically.

I just feel so out of it for some reason, I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.

I don't even want to wake up anymore, I don't feel like living, or trying.

I feel like I'm slowly fading away as I get bigger and bigger and gain weight.

The healthier I get, the more depressed I get.

That's not normal, it shouldn't be that way, but it is.

It seems so much worse because the weight gain is taking so long.

It almost seems worse than gaining all at once because I slowly see myself change, but I'd rather do it this way I think over having to gain so much weight in a little amount of time. I know for a fact I would relapse. I mean I think I will anyway, but just saying.

Anyway I'm getting sidetracked.

I'm nervous for my appointment Thursday, but I would think that if I only had 2 bad days and then I picked myself up and followed my meal plan and added a little more then I should be okay, but you never know. I hope it pays off. I really am trying hard, and every moment sucks and I want to give up so badly. But I know this is something I have to go through at some point, and if I give up now, I'm going to have to go through it again and it will be harder and harder every time. That would be hell. I can't even imagine losing and gaining and losing and gaining a million times. It's too hard. The only advantage would be that you would know what you would look like if you were in your healthy range because you have been there before, where as now I have no clue, and that's what's scary. That's why it's so hard for me to just let go and let my body do what it's supposed to. I don't trust it, and I don't trust the food. I;m afraid that my body will come back and bite me in the ass because I'm screwing with it so much. I'm afraid that it will put me through hell just like I put it through hell. I think it will try to get its revenge, and I don't blame it. But I hope that since it's still here and it hasn't totally given up on me and died that maybe it will be here to stay and it will be on my side. I'm just afraid of where it will take me. I'm scared to be in a healthy place; it's just so unfamiliar.

I feel like shit, I look like shit, everything is just shit. This feeling in my stomach is nonstop and won't go away and it's annoying and makes me just want to give up completely. I want to so bad and just have this all be over. This is all complete hell, and it doesn't seem worth it enough to me. Fuck it. This day needs to be over NOW.