Today has been a major fail.

I thought that from my horoscope this morning things would turn out good, but I knew I shouldn't have relied on it. Stupid stupid me. I just had a bad feeling today when I woke up about my appointment. I've just felt like I've lost weight recently and I've been nervous about it, even though I have been following my meal plan. I was trying to be optimistic and make myself believe that everything would be fine because I did all I needed to besides those two days but I just had a bad feeling in my body. I didn't have my normal appointment day breakfast this morning and I got all worried that that would mess me up and I got all superstitious about it and was freaking out but I tried not to worry about it. I tried to just shut myself up and tell myself that I had nothing to worry about and it shouldn't matter what I have for breakfast or what I wear on appointment days vs. any other day, but it did matter. I know it. I have to go back to my rituals, even though you all think I'm completely out of my mind, but I swear it makes a difference. So yeah, I was worried about that, and then I finally got there and got weighed and ya ya ya. Then I was sitting in the waiting room and I started meditating trying to calm myself in by taking three deep breaths in and then three breaths out and just waiting for my doctor to come in. She fucking took forever which only made me ten times more anxious, plus I wasn't feeling good about the appointment at first whatsoever. She finally came in and asked what I had been doing because I lost weight. I was pissed off because she doesn't believe me that I'm not exercising, and honestly I don't even know the last time I did besides that one slip up I had last week. I told her I had that one bad day because I didn't finish all of my meals, but then the next day I got right back on track and since then I've been sticking to what I need to. I just don't feel like she believes me because of that stupid fucking number!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE IT! She said that if I keep losing weight I have to do partial, and she said that she really doesn't want to make me do partial and I told her I don't want to do it either, and that I'll do what I need to so I can stay out of that situation, but I'm starting to doubt myself a little.. But I went up to my nurtitionist afterwards and told her how frustrated I was about everything. She called down to get my weight and she said that it was at the same point it was 2 weeks ago. The exact same point. So I was at that weight, then I gained a little last week, and now I'm back at that weight again. I reminded her about how she didn't give me an increase last week and I said how I was kind of surprised because I thought I would always get one. She apologized and told me that it was her fault and that she should've increased it. She said that my metabolism sped up again because it was just used to the food I've been having for the past two weeks. That's fucking frustrating. I love how I get in trouble for that when clearly she didn't do her job. That really fucking gets on my nerves. So as a result I got a wonderful increase of 3 things on my meal plan! AWESOME!! I really have no drive or motivation whatsoever to do it. I haven't even started yet and I should have, and now that I think about it I'm kind of feeling guilty so maybe I'll go back and replace it but I really don't want to. I just feel so bad about myself even though I lost weight. I'm not looking forward to getting back to where I was last week. I have so far to go as far as gaining weight it's depressing. I don't even want to get back on the track. For some reason this time I just don't give a fuck, but the thing is I need to. I can't go to partial I'll kill myself. So then that means I need to do this, and increase my meal plan and listen. I don't know why but this time is just different. I'm not in the right mindset anymore. I need to fucking change that before I end up in a place where I don't want to be. But I'm scared; and I hate admitting to everyone that I'm scared but I am. SO scared. Mehhh. I just want nothing to do with all of this anymore. I'm already sick of it again, and that's not a good sign. Maybe I'm just having a bad day because of what happened, and I hope that's the case but we'll see tomorrow. We'll see if I can actually make myself eat everything I'm supposed to and not give into ED. I'm afraid I won't be able to. I feel so weak right now for some reason, I see people struggling around me and I try to motivate them and tell them to fight that this isn't worth it and they don't deserve it, but yet I sit here and I'm jealous that they're sicker than me, a sick part of me still envies them because they're a better anorexic or bulimic than me. How fucking messed up is that? Ehh. I haven't finished the day off well either. I didn't have everything I needed to at lunch because I forgot some of it and we were out, but I came home and replaced a part of it but not the other just because I simply didn't give a shit; I had all of my snack, but then I was feeling shitty and dinner came around and I had most of it but not all, and I was supposed to add an increase but I didn't but now as we speak I'm making up for it, and I'm supposed to have another increase for my next snack but I'm scared as fuck. I've always had a fear of having too much at my last snack because of the myth that it's bad to eat after 7pm. I'm afraid that all I ate will turn to fat because I'll just be sleeping, and it becomes harder to fight ED the more I need to eat. I can't get him out of my head, so tonight will be a challenge. ED is already in my head telling me what I should have because it's the lowest in calories. I'm trying not to listen, I'm trying to listen to the voice that is telling me that I need to gain weight and this is something I just have to do but it's so difficult right now. It's so difficult to fight when I don't have motivation. But I guess in times like these I need to find it; as fast as I can. I don't know why it went away so fast or why it even did at all, but I need to find it. I need it to keep me going. AH!

I'm just really anxious today. From the moment I woke up until probably the moment I go to bed. We've just been all over the place today rushing around everywhere and I just can't seem to calm myself down. I don't even feel like I'll be able to sleep tonight because I'll be hearing ED telling me that everything I just ate is now turning into fat and that I'll gain so much weight over night and that I need to exercise it off. And I'll be thinking about how tomorrow is the first full day with all of my increases. FUCK. I hate the day after my appointment. It's always the hardest and always the worst. I don't want it to come. But I need to just breathe and tell myself that I could do it before and so I can do it again. I need to push through the hardest day to get to the others that will still be fucking hard but maybe not as bad. I just want it to be over but it hasn't even started yet! I'm just scared, because like I said I just don't give a fuck about anything right now. I don't want to follow my meal plan, I don't want to gain weight, I don't want to do this recovery shit anymore. I don't know how I can keep myself going. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I won't be able to snap myself out of it. I want to cry so bad but the tears just aren't there. I don't know how to react; I'm numb from every emotion. I'm just a body and that's all. I feel fat and huge and disgusting and it's taking over my mind and body. I want to listen to ED. He's just so loud and he sounds so persuading right now, and I'm vulnerable at this point. I need help. But there is nothing anyone can do. No one can take the pain away, no one can make a miracle happen, no one can fast forward to better days, no one can make me happy or make me want to fight this shit. No one. Only me. And I'm just not in the right midset to do that right now. I want to give up, and i have a feeling that I am.