It won't go away; this terrible feeling inside of my disgusting body.

Why won't it go away? Why won't anyone give me the answer? Or why can't I even find the answer for myself? I'm sick of feeling like this day after day; and with each passing minute it only gets worse. I start to see myself getting bigger and bigger right before my eyes; the scale jumps up too many numbers for my liking, and it brings the depression and all of the bad thoughts back. They never seem to go away. There is not one moment where my head isn't spinning; where there isn't a battle between two forces in my head. It's constant, and it's draining. I want to escape from it all, but it's too intense. Someone save me.

After yesterday, I tried to wake up ready to once again face ED. I was ready to battle, I was ready to show him what I got. I wanted to prove to him that I can't not only listen to him for one day, but I can do it for two; and more and more and more. It was hard to finish meals today. Harder than yesterday. Luckily the day has gone by pretty quickly, and I've tried to stay busy. I've tried to block ED's loud obnoxious voice out, but it seems impossible. Even if it's quiet, it's always there. I had therapy again today, and it was actually productive I felt like. I spilled everything out about the past few days and how I fucked up. I told her what I did, and she said she expected something so much worse. And looking back on the day, it could've been a lot worse. I could still be sitting here not finishing my meals and snacks and not fighting back. I could still be listening to ED, but I chose not to. I decided and I knew deep down that I couldn't. That it was only leading me the wrong way on the wrong path. But I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not listening to everything he says. He's always there for me and I keep ignoring him. He makes me feel not alone, but at the same time I know it's only damaging me. But that doesn't mean I can stay away from it; I can't. I fought back today, and it was really difficult. i realized that the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm scared. I'm scared of my doctor and what she'll make me do; I'm scared of going into treatment and having to gain 20lbs in 4 weeks. I can't do that; It will ruin me. So I'm forcing myself to do what I need to, at least the minimum to get by. I feel like I'm barely getting by. Everyday is a struggle and it never seems to get easier; I never get to breathe. There is no such thing as enjoying life right now. It's only hell that I'm living in, and I will be for awhile. I'm scared to keep going, but I'm scared to give up.

I talked to a girl I roomed with at CEDC and she's 15. We always had heart to hearts and we helped each other through so much when we were there. I feel blessed to have met her, and I'm happy we still keep in touch. I only want the best for her and she only wants the best for me. It's comforting to have someone like that; someone who i can talk to and someone who really does understand everything I'm saying. She told me today that I have helped her so much with recovery and she couldn't thank me enough. She told me how she saw me as her big sister in a way, and that was so sweet. We're here for each other and we will be until the day when we're happy living a recovered life; because I know we both can get to that point if we try hard enough. Some day some how.

I'm feeling really bad about myself today, and Denise and Dad can see it. It makes them sad. They don't like seeing me with a sad smile and me barely being able to function. I'm depressed beyond belief and I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster, and I never expect the twists and turns that get thrown at me what seems like every second. I hate the unknown, and that's all this is. Denise offered to bring me to get out of the house because I'm really having a lot of urges right now to exercise; I feel like a whale after eating so much today. She said she was going to get her nails done and that I was welcome to come along. Free manicure? Can't pass that up. But I don't want to go out, I don't want to be seen by anyone; I'm too fat and disgusting, and I don't want everyone else to see that too. I never want to see anyone, never. But I can't sit here and do nothing, or I will exercise. It will be uncomfortable and will suck but it's something I need to do. Fuck my life, I hate this. I hate everything.