There was too much going on yesterday to post.

It was one of the worst days I've had in awhile and I didn't know what to do with myself.

After my appointment Wednesday I didn't do what I was supposed to and that only made it that much harder Thursday to get back on track. I thought that I could do it. I said to myself "I've been able to do it before so I can do it now." But this time was different.. This time was way more out of control. I was on such a high and I didn't want to come down from it. I loved being a rebel, I loved going against what everyone wants me to do. It was just me and ED and I was soaking in every minute of it.

I did terrible yesterday.

I don't think I finished any of my meals; either just didn't even make everything or just didn't even finish.

My Dad was having people over the whole day and night in and out because of the basketball tournament on TV aka March Madness. I definitely took advantage of him being distracted with all of that stuff, and he was. Therefore it was just me and ED the whole day. I didn't expect him to be how he was, and I was vulnerable.

I was weak, I gave in over and over and over again. And the worst part is, I LET it happen over and over again. Deep down I knew it was wrong; I knew it was only hurting me and not helping me, but do you think that stopped me? Of course not, I was taking advantage of all of the time I was able to have with ED. I thought, "I rarely get opportunities like this, so why not take advantage of it? It doesn't happen often so it won't hurt." Little did I know that it would tear me apart to shreds without me even knowing it. The day seemed to go by so slow, and I was miserable. It's weird, because I thought I would be happy listening to ED and doing what I wanted, but I was miserable. I felt good in the moment, but the happiness didn't last. I had that all time high and then I came down faster than I liked, so I kept doing what he said to get that high back. I craved it. i needed it to get me through. So I went from meal to snack to meal to snack blatantly doing the opposite of what I should. There was a sick part of me that was happy that I was restricting. I loved it, and for some reason yesterday I didn't feel the guilt that I have been if I don't do what I'm supposed to and I'm not sure why yesterday was any different. I tried to do things to distract but the time just kept going by so slowly and I was itching to do something. i was anxious having all of these people around therefore I was bottled up in my room for the entire day, and making sure that no one would see me eat. I thought to myself, I wonder how they think I look. Do they think I look different? Do I look sick enough? All that talk was inside my head all day. Yesterday was also one of my worst days with body image. I know I've said that before, but yesterday was different. I usually have moments on those days where I can see that I'm still thin, and then the distorted imaging comes back but yesterday that's all I was seeing. It was killing me. It was all I was thinking about. I wanted it to all go away, I wanted to disappear and escape from all of the bad images in my ED, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was so upset that I decided to go for a walk, but before I knew it I was walking faster and faster, and then I was running. I told myself to keep going until a certain point, like I used to do. That high came back and I was out of breathe and feeling great. I went back to walking and was out for about 30 minutes. I've been wanting to do yoga because I thought it would be relaxing, and it's some sort of exercise but not really, and I remembered that I had a Pilates tape downstairs so I went and put it on. But it was stretching, it was hard core ab exercises. I started going and I couldn't stop. I loved the feeling of my abs pulses and me squeezing them so tight that I could literally feel the burn. Just picturing in my head all of the fat disappearing, and I kept going. I told myself that I can't push it too far, so I stopped and just sat there thinking about what I just did. But once again, there was no guilt. Nothing. ED was taking over. I went to look in the mirror, hoping that my abs would look tighter and I would look better, but there was nothing; nothing but the fat flab I saw before all of this happened. I went to my room and saw that Kate had texted me. She said she missed me, and she doesn't usually get all mushy like that, so when she does I take advantage of it. She's in Miami for Spring Break, and told me how one of her friends had brought her childhood best friend with her, and it reminded her of me and her. She wished I could've gone just like that girl did; she said her friends would love me. Hearing that brought an intense feeling of sadness in my body. It came out of nowhere and at that point I wasn't in a good position to deal with it. I started to ball. And I mean I really really balled. I told her how depressed I was because I wish I could be with her doing what she's doing and be on Spring Break like a normal adult having fun. I hated myself for this, and that I couldn't do that. I was so upset. I told her how I was having a hard day, and she tried to pick me up. I appreciate her words so much and they affect me. She reality checks me, and brings me down to reality. She said to me " Let this motivate you. Get pissed that this disease has ruined so many good time you could be having. And remember it's not too late. You CAN get better if you want to and trust me you want to. Do what's right and get better. You've had so many shitty things happen in your life. You deserve to be here with me smiling and laughing, drinking pina coladas in 100 degree weather, going to bars and dancing all night. You would love this and YOU CAN HAVE IT. You just need to remind yourself of the things worth living for and forget the shit in your head." That hit me like a slap in the face; but I'm not saying in a bad way. It brought me back down to Earth. I made me realize how much this is fucking up my life; how much it's taking away from me, and I'm letting it. I'm letting it tell me what to do, and I'm letting it take away the best times I should be having in my life. I got so upset because I felt so broken. I knew what the right thing to do was, but I just didn't think I could bring myself to do it. I already screwed up the day so it wouldn't make a difference if I picked it up now. I started balling again, and it was getting more and more intense with every breathe. I texted Mrs. Hassett, Kate's mom and asked her if I could go over after dinner. I told her I was having a really bad day, and she knows that when I reach out for help, I must really be hurting. So she said I was definitely welcome to go over and talk things out. Even though that reassured me, I still kept balling. I pinched the fat on my stomach and looked in the mirror and was ashamed. I couldn't even look at myself anymore. I kept listening for my Dad to be in the kitchen by himself so I could go down and see him. He finally was alone so I went down slowly and turned the corner in the kitchen to him making a drink with my red puffy eyes and tears streaming down my face. He didn't even know how to react. He sounded so concerned and asked me what was wrong. I immediately said "I just need a hug." I ran to him and squeezed him so tight. I wanted to feel loved, I wanted someone to tell me everything would be okay. He took me outside away from everyone to talk. I told him everything that was wrong and I told him how the day was just terrible. He told me that everyone has bad days, and that tomorrow would be a new day to have the opportunity to start over. He said I couldn't let this get me down. He said a lot of other stuff to me too, and he made me feel better. He made me realize that it wasn't the end of the world; that I could get back on track because I'm capable, and I have before. Before I knew it, it was time for dinner. What a great time right? But I found that I was a different person walking into this meal. After I talked to Kate and talked to my Dad I told myself that I could start to turn this around now, and that it was never too late. I made my dinner with everything I was supposed to, and told myself I was going to eat all of it and finish. ED was so loud, telling me how I could get away with it again, but I blocked him out. I told him to fuck off, and I finished my dinner. There was a lot of guilt there, but I felt accomplished, and I felt like I finally did something right. After I was done I headed out the door to drive to Kate's. On the way I passed Denise, and I was thankful I didn't have to deal with her when I was home. I knew that when she heard I went to Mrs. Hassett's she would be jealous, but I didn't care, I just wanted to get out. I got there and we talked. Talked about everything, and she reality checked me too about a lot of things. I tried to take advantage of my time with her, and I was happy that I took the time to get out of the house and go over there; I needed that. I came home in time for snack and of course Denise came to see me right as I came in, but surprisingly didn't say much. All she said was "You know if you ever want to talk, just let me know and I'll come home." She was jealous, and it was clear. I gave her the cold shoulder like I always do and I just didn't want to deal with her. I had to get ready for snack. I was tempted to not follow my meal plan, but I pushed myself to. I felt like crap but I did it. I didn't last much longer because my eyes were tired from crying, so I told myself that this day was over, and tomorrow is a new day. I told myself that I would do what I needed tomorrow, and I need to be ready for ED to be loud and I need to have the strength to fight him; I needed to be prepared. I then got some shut eye, and hoped that the next day would be better than the last.

I woke up this morning, opened my eyes and realized that today was the day. Today was the day that I needed to turn this around. Today was the day that I had the opportunity to get back on track, and prove that I can. I was determined to fight back like I had in the past, but I was scared as hell. I was scared to face this day ahead of me, and I was just reminding myself that it would be hell.

I laid in my bed, and it was too early for me to get up. I turned on the TV and watched Joyce Meyer, a minister who is really inspirational. The topic was temptation and I could definitely relate. It made me realize that I have the choice to give in or not give into temptation; I was in control. It was a good way to start the day; a good frame of mind to start the day. I got up, got ready for breakfast, and told myself that this was the start; the start of my new beginning back to the right path. I was nervous as hell, and ED was telling me that if I finished I would gain so much weight, and I would feel like shit. I was so tempted to not finish my oatmeal, and I could've gotten away with it, but I told ED "No, I'm going to finish. I need to finish, I'm not listening to you." I talked back to him as he watched me scrape my bowl clean and he was furious. I looked at him, and gave him a proud look, showing him that I COULD be in control, and I could dismiss what he had to say, because I knew it was wrong. Then that bloated feeling came upon me. I began to regret finishing my breakfast; I felt so bad. My body seemed like a balloon; but I tried to remind myself that the feeling would go away, and with time it did. I ran to the bank to pass time, and then came home for snack. I went into snack telling myself that I would finish, and I did. I did have a freak out though because I was having trail mix, and the serving size seemed like a lot, but I went with it and tried not to obsess. But I couldn't get it off my mind, and I started eating it, but as I was I looked up the nutrition facts on the website, and they had more realistic nutrition facts different from the package. I instantly freaked out, and changed the serving I had. I thanked God that I didn't eat more than I needed to, even though it probably wouldn't hurt because I still need to gain weight ultimately, but whatever. I finished and felt really bloated again, but I tried to distract, and I cleaned the house for Denise to earn some money like I always do on Friday's. It was a perfect opportunity to exercise because my Dad went to run some errands, but I told myself I couldn't; I needed to stay on the right track. But I did weigh myself, because I was curious what the damage would be based on the past two days. I stepped on the scale, and I was down a lb I think, or a 1/2 a lb. I instantly freaked out, and thought about my doctor's appointment next week and then told myself out loud "Okay, I definitely need to do everything I am supposed to to get back on track. I need to." I then went through my day with each meal and snack, and kept reminding myself that what I was doing was the right thing, even though it didn't feel like it. That every bite I took was a step closer to having control over my life, and not being tortured by ED anymore. It was hard, and I wanted to give in, but I knew I couldn't afford to; I just couldn't. It wasn't worth it. I have been reading Portia De Rossi's book Unbearable Lightness. It's about her battle with her eating disorder throughout her entire life, and it was triggering, but it ended with a happy ending. The quote I put on here earlier was actually from her book. I found a lot of quotes that related and I'll be posting one everyday for the next few days, or whenever I feel like it. I was comforting to have proof that it IS possible to overcome this. That a celebrity even did it, and it was good to see how celebrities can go through things just like normal people. She had a happy ending and is now healthy and married to Ellen De'generis and it gave me inspiration to see that she was recovered. She made me think that maybe it could be possible for me too. I went inside after being outside sitting in the sun for an hour because it was beautiful out today, and I made my snack. I had a new sense of motivation in me, and I was ready to fight ED. I fought him for snack, and I fought him for dinner. He wanted me to sneak in exercise, but i didn't give in. I said to myself "No Trine, you don't want to do that. You'll regret it." And I didn't.

I now sit here with the thought that maybe God had be go through those 2 days of hell for a reason.

Maybe it was to prove to myself today that I AM capable of fighting back, and that I am strong enough to fight ED. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and even though I don't know what the reason would be for me to do so bad and feel so bad would be, I just focused on what I did today, and how I did better. I'm trying to focus on things I did do, and not focus on what I didn't do. I'm still working at it, because I don't see my progress like other people do, but I'm getting there I guess. I sit here, and I'm not going to lie I'm really really uncomfortable and can't stop pinching the fat as I sit here leaned over, but I just keep reminding myself that it's only ED making me feel this way, and that I can't believe him because he's wrong. I'm scared to wake up tomorrow because of what I did today. I'm scared I'll be so much bigger, and I don't know how I'll handle it. Maybe it won't be as bad as I think, but maybe it will. I guess we'll have to see. I have therapy tomorrow and I'm going to try to be honest. I'm going to Trader Joe's before I go to get some stuff I usually don't and treat myself. I need to go into tomorrow with the same mindset that I had today. I need to look at today and how much better it was and keep that in my mind. I need to keep taking steps forward, and not back; but if I do take steps back, not to let it stop my progress, but recognize it and make changes from there. I CAN be in control, and I CAN fight ED. I will fight ED, because I need to. I have no choice right now. I need to do something. I can either die or I can either live. It seems so simple but it's so complicated. All I know is that I want to be able to live the best days of my life, but at the same time I know I'm not ready to give up this part of me, and I'm not sure when I will be. Time will only tell.