I'm so confused.

My head is spinning. my legs are shaking, and my heart is racing.

I feel weird again today; like I'm dead but alive.

I feel here but not all here. I feel like I'm living a nightmare, and reality is I am.

For some reason I was so depressed today.

I was alone for most of the day and it just made me realize how lonely I am, and how lonely my life is.

I don't have anything right now, and it makes me feel so bad.

I thought about giving up so many times today; more than usual and it was disturbing.

I just couldn't get the thought out of my mind. I kept thinking to myself about how my life would play out in the next few months or weeks if I did give up. I know treatment is one thing, and I know I would lose as much weight as I can. I can't explain how bad I want to right now. ED is so loud telling me every opportunity that I have just to lose that one pound; and then another, and then another, etc. I crave the empty feeling that I used to get when I would restrict. I hate feeling so full and uncomfortable every time I eat a meal or snack. I wish that at least I didn't feel that way ALL OF THE TIME. It's getting a little ridiculous, and very hard to just "deal with." I want to suffer so bad for some reason, I want to show people how much pain I'm really in. I want to show everyone what I'm good at, and it's this. It's the only way I feel like I have control over something, but I know in reality it has control over me. It seems impossible to break right now. ED is so fucking strong and and telling me to just come back to him, and he'll make everything okay; he'll make me happy, and make me feel better about myself, and skinny, and just better. I hate how this part of me is coming back out. I feel so vulnerable right now. I'm just so tired; so tired of fighting. My steam is running out and so is my motivation. How am I supposed to get it back? Will it take even more threats? Will it take treatment? I don't know. I'm afraid nothing will ever be enough to snap me out of it completely. I'm so scared of the consequences but yet I'm not at the same time. But I don't have the balls to give into ED right now. Like I've said a million times I think being in treatment will make me worse. Last time I was in residential treatment I got nowhere. I was just more depressed and suicidal and used more behaviors. Treatment does nothing for me; nothing but make me take steps backwards. I wonder what you think after following my blog and reading everything I say. I wonder if people think I really do need treatment, and that I'm not capable right now to do it on my own. I am curious to know. I mean it won't really make a difference because I won't listen because I would most likely disagree but it interests me. I know I don't need more help, therefore I won't get any. There is no one or no place that can make me want to recover, only I can, and therefore it makes no sense to be put somewhere for months to be tortured like a child and become more suicidal. It's not worth it and makes no sense. So I'm determined to do it on my own. Not many people think it's possible, but I have proof that it is. Only some people have the strength and willpower and patience to handle it, and I don't care I'll make myself. I can't be forced into hell again; I just can't.

I feel like I'm at a crossroad. Whether to go one way and keep fighting, or go the other way and give in. I want to want to stay on the right track, and most likely I will because I don't want to be forced into treatment that much. I don't feel like I have it in me though. I feel like I'm a joke and my life is a joke. Like I said, today I was just thinking about my life and how useless and how it's such a waste. It seems like everyday is Groundhog Day, just repeating itself over and over and over again. Same shit different day. I've been trying to find some motivation by following a blog by a woman who is recovered. She has made so many YouTube videos about seriously every topic around ED's. There is some stuff that is really helpful, but for some reason every time I watch a video I find myself not being able to focus, and instead I'm thinking about how many calories I had for lunch and when my snack is and how far away it is and what I weighed today and blah blah blah. I can't fucking focus on something that's right in front of my fucking face. All I can focus on are the things that I'm not supposed to focus on. Like I said, I want to get my motivation back so bad, because it would help me push through this sucky time a little more but I just can't fake it. I don't know how to get it back! And if it does come back its only for a day, or an hour, and then it completely fades away, and I never know when I'll see it again. I might try to read some inspirational stories of people who have recovered or I might watch some more videos and actually try to pay attention. I need to do something. I need this mindset to go away.

I barely slept last night and it was driving me crazy. I was tossing and turning and having night sweats which usually never happens. I'm usually always cold because all I am is bones and I have no flesh to keep me warm, but it's forming, I cans see it and I can feel it. I was lying in bed last night after having snack and I was feeling my body and my stomach and it's getting bigger. I tried to tell myself that it was just because I just ate, and that it would go away by the morning, but I just didn't believe any of that bullshit. I started crying, and just hoped that it would all disappear in the morning. I tried to sleep but I just couldn't. I was having nightmares. I haven't had nightmares in forever. And guess what they were about? Numbers. All numbers. Calories and weight and omg it was so scary. I kept thinking about my weight range and how I want to ask my doctor what it is at my appointment on Wednesday but I'm too afraid that it's higher than I think it is so I'm debating whether to do it or not. Then I started thinking about how many calories I'm eating and how it's way too much and when I'll be able to stop having meal plan increases and how much I'll have to eat until I can get to my range. ThenI started freaking out worrying about how I am afraid that once I get to my weight range, I won't be able to stop gaining, and that I'll just keep gaining and gaining and gaining but they won't stop it because it will be where I used to be and it would still be considered healthy. I'm afraid they're going to increase my weight range. That's probably one of my biggest fears, besides actually getting to my weight range. The nightmares just kept going and going. I would have one, and then I would wake up, and then I would have another. It was so scary.

Speaking of weight I can see it creeping up as each day comes and goes. It seems like I've gained like 3 lbs over night. I'm trying to tell myself that that's impossible, but the scale doesn't lie. I wish it did in this case, but it doesn't. I know that it's kind of better that it's going up because that means I'm closer to the point where I don't have to gain anymore, but at the same time I don't want to get to that point. So I feel like it's a lose lose situation. It sucks. I never am satisfied with anything. I'm nervous for my appointment Wednesday and I don't know how to just relax. I'm afraid that the same thing will happen that happened last time, and that they won't believe me when I say that. I am doing what I need to do, and I hate myself for it, but I just need to right now. I'm so depressed about it, and I don't know how to see it as a good thing that I'm fighting back. How am I supposed to appreciate recovery when part of me doesn't want it? It's hard, and I'm not sure if it's even possible.