I really can't decide at this point.

I have no choice but to change directions.

Well, I guess I always have a choice but right now I just feel forced, forced to recover.

Part of me wants to change directions, but the other part wants to stay right where I am.

I already know what this is like, I don't know what it's like without it. I'm too scared to find out.

My appointment today started off bad but ended just okay. I went in confidently as I weighed myself this morning before I went and was still the same as I weighed last night. But little did I know that apparently that wasn't true. I waited anxiously shivering in the room for the doctor to knock and make her appearance.

The moment came and I held my breathe. She started like she always does, and then threw me the curveball out of nowhere telling me I lost weight. But that it was only 100g which I guess isn't that much so she wasn't really going to count it. I just don't understand how after how hard I worked on vacation that I still didn't gain, or at least maintain. She proceeded by asking if I was going for my intake for IOP. I looked at her with a confused expression, and said "What are you talking about? I thought I wasn't going back since I was dicharged." Then she told me that the plan all along was for me to go back to IOP after I got back from vacation. I started crying and telling her how I thought the vacation was a test to see if I could manage on my own. I really did. I know that wasn't the plan because I talk to my case manager all the time. It's bullshit. I was so upset. I wanted to throw in the towel and just give up. Say fuck you and walk out. But I sat there and cried, telling her how hard I worked, because truely I did. She asked me what I wanted to do and I told her to let me stay home for now then next Thursday if I lose I'll go back to IOP. But then she threw me the curveball how I wouldn't be going back to IOP, I would have to go to fucking Partial all the way in fucking Waltham aka AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY. FUCK NO. I don't understand why I couldn't just do fucking IOP. I don't need partial. AH!! But it was either that, or go to IOP right away. I wanted to try on my own and see what happens. Then she brought in my Dad and they talked for awhile. I was anxiously waiting for him to come out, preparing myself for an angry look or an okay look, and luckily it was okay. I was relieved that the car ride wouldn't consist of him yelling at me and me crying. It actually wasn't like that at all. He talked to me, motivated me, reminded me that I don't want to drive all the way out there. He told me that I've made some progress in the past week mentally, but now I need to back it up physically. He said I don't deserve this, but part of me doesn't feel the same.

After that appointment and talk with my Dad it got me thinking. Got me thinking about what to do next; the steps I would be taking. I got scared, I got anxious, I got overwhelmed with fear. So many thoughts in my head at once. Calories, weight, meal plans, food, fat, scale, sadness, depression, disappointment, weakness, strong, capable, motivation etc. I thought I was going to crash the car because I couldn't even focus. I expressed how scared I was; to actually do what my nutritionist and doctor tell me. I'm afraid to see the weight come on, even if it's .1lbs. I see everything, even when it's not even there. Dad told me that he can understand how I would be scared, but that I won't know how it will be until I try; and most of the time the beginning is the hardest part, and as you keep doing it, it gets a little easier and more habitual. I know this is true, because that's how it has been the past few weeks with my meal plan. The first day sucks and I want to kill myself, but then I wake up the next day and see that I'm not a huge fat whale and then I can breathe and keep going. I need to do the same thing this time. I'm extremely anxious. I didn't see my nutritionist today, but I emailed her to see what I should increase for my meal plan. I could have easily "forgot" to email her, but I knew that I couldn't do that. There was a lot of changes made, and I really don't want to do it. But I'm trying to weigh the pro's and con's. I don't want to do Partial, so if I want it bad enough I have to go through the pain and deal with it. I have 3 changes, and one of them was a really big one. I was so tempted to add up all of the calories, but I knew if I did, that I would freak myself out and I wouldn't be able to do it. I just closed my eyes, took a breath and told myself that I have no choice but to just do it right now. I already got through one change today, and I'm still breathing. I just have to get through tomorrow; the hardest day ever. Deep down I know that I can do it, and my Dad said he knows I can too. He made me pinky promise him and made me repeat things after him saying things like "I will do it." It was kind of a touching moment. He wants it so bad for me, and I hate how much it kills him. He was so supportive today, and I'm so lucky to have someone like him to always go to.

I'm trying to breathe. I'm trying to just close my eyes and make myself do what I need to.

I'm trying to tell myself that I would've had to have this meal plan increase at some point anyway. I'm trying to tell myself that I need to trust my doctor and nutritionist, and everyone else who is telling me to "break up" with this terrible boyfriend. I'm trying to tell myself that if I want it bad enough, I CAN do it. I'm trying to tell myself that I won't know how it feels until I try, and maybe it won't be as detrimental as I think it will be. I'm trying to tell myself that I have to expect that it will be hell, and I will want to give up, but that doesn't mean I have to. I'm trying to tell myself that I HAVE TO gain weight no matter what, and right now I'm in the best position to do it slowly, with my regular doctor and nutritionist and Dad. I'm trying to tell myself that I won't gain 10 lbs overnight, or because of having a high calorie meal. I'm trying to tell myself that ED is putting a fat image of me in the mirror, and that what is really on the outside isn't that reflection. I'm trying to breathe, take it one step at a time, and have faith in myself. No one can force me to do this, although that's what I feel everyone is doing. But I need to make myself do this, if I want to do it my way. I know I've said it before, but it's officially now or never. This is it. This week will determine what will be happening next. I need support, I need to do this. I WILL do this.