What leads ahead.

It seems like for once things actually went okay.

But whenever things are finally okay, it seems like the next second everything is wrong.

I started off my day with this; my horoscope-

You want to continue with your regular routines, including eating whatever makes the most sense to you. But unconscious desires can lure you away from your healthier resolutions. Don't judge yourself so harshly if you slip off track today. Meanwhile, keep working toward your goals and you'll notice progress soon enough.

That sounds promising right? I believe so much in horoscopes and every morning I have my normal routine of reading mine; about 4 different ones actually. But I enjoy them; it intrigues me.

And its weird, because today even though for the most part it went my way, I did have alot of urges.

ED was extremely loud; And I feel guilty for listening. I feel like a failure.

But I'm just trying to stay in the present and focus on the next thing I have to face, and try to face it with confidence and awareness that ED will be lurking in the shadows.

On the other hand, it says to keep working toward my goals, and soon enough I will notice progress.

This makes me motivated to keep fighting; that not all hope is lost. That maybe just maybe I can slowly take the steps I need to.

Anyway, I tried to start my day of positive, thinking positive because I truly believe that helps. I'm a huuuuge worrier, so I just tried to tell myself that whatever happens happens, and God planned it this way for a reason.  I went to my intake and things actually went okay. I feel like I can actually breathe now.

I'm doing the IOP program, and I'm hoping that's it.

I really don't want to do a day program or anything more, so hopefully I can stay on my feet and start to dig myself out of the hole I've created..

I had a great talk with my Dad on the way. It was surprising actually.. I often have a hard time opening up to anyone; even him. He brought up a topic I would've never expected him to. My mom. And FYI My mom passed away suddenly when I was 12 years old. It was devastating. But anyway, he just asked me if I had any questions and how I felt about it, because back then I hid my feelings and kept it all inside. I didn't see anyone else expressing their pain, so I felt I had to do the same. I didn't want to show my vulnerability or weakness. I was so happy to actually have a talk with him. An adult talk. And for once it wasn't around the frustrating subject of my eating disorder. I feel like that's all it ever is lately. So it was good to have a father daughter moment.

he came to my appointment with me; he comes to every single one.

Ya, i know I'm 19 and don't need him to, but I feel a sense of support and comfort when he does.

I came home and just started thinking to myself.. Starting thinking about ED and what his real purpose in my life is. The answer is nothing. ED is nothing. My dad always says, "You need to tell ED to fuck off, he's just like a bad boyfriend and you need to kick him to the curb. You deserve better." And really, he's true. ED is abusive, manipulative, hurtful, and I could go on and on. I'm also reading a book, that I highly recommend actually called Biting the Hand that Starves You. It's SO good and has made me realize and think a lot in the past few days. It's made me realize how ED is only hurting me, and not helping me; how ED will just keep feeding me lies no matter what, and make me feel like a piece of shit, and make me feel like I'm huge, disgusting, fat and therefore worthless.

I'm sick of hearing it quite frankly. But it seems so hard to just block out or forget.

It sounds so convincing that I actually believe it.

It makes no sense. He tells me I'm huge and so fat, but yet the doctors say I'm underweight.

So I should believe the doctors right? Well for some reason I can't. I feel like ED has such a tight grip on me.

But I feel like as the days go on, I get a little more hope and a little more motivation to get my life back.

Or actually just start a new fresh start, and create a new chapter in my book of life.

I want to SO bad. So so bad. But it seems like that's never enough.

It makes me believe that being small and thin is more important than anything.

But i see people who are recovered, and their by no means fat. But most importantly they're HAPPY.

They all say they would never go back to ED and that even though it's hard fucking work, it's worth it.

I hope to one day be able to say that to myself. I hope one day I can speak and share my story of recovery.

But I feel like it won't happen. But I'm trying to remember that ANYTHING is possible. So why is this any exception? I've already been through so much in my life, and if I could get through that, I can get through this as well. I hope I keep moving forward and pushing towards my goal of finding myself.

I know I'm out there somewhere; just waiting to be found.

Here's to the future.