Blah.

I'm not really too sure why but I'm very in my own head today.

I've realized that I'm basically a nobody.

I do nothing with my days; I sit around and just listen to the chaos in my head..

My dad and step mom say well why don't you go out? You're the one making yourself sit in you're depression and sadness. And they're 100% right.

I know I am, and I shouldn't be complaining, but I just have no energy or drive to change it.

It's like this is my life now, and I've been this way for awhile, so to just one day change and be different and act different and think differently seems really scary and impossible.

I'm not sure how to break out of the cycle. This vicious cycle is sucking the life out of me.

I feel like I'm wasting my life away, and that makes me feel worthless and a failure.

I think to myself sometimes, why am I doing this? Why am I choosing to spend my days depressed and wishing I could be perfect and thin and well liked by everyone?

I want to believe that I don't need to be perfect to life my life, and that no one is perfect

but I keep thinking that I can somehow reach that perfection I keep in the back of my mind.

The question is, when will I give it up? When will I realize that I'm okay the way I am, and I'm unique and special in my own way? That thought seems so impossible to believe.

When all I constantly hear is that I'm not good enough, that I need to be better, that I need to be thinner,

It's basically impossible to just let it pass and move on. The words drain me every second of every day.

I wish I could just be happy; live my life the way I'm meant to.

I'm craving a new start so badly but I'm scared to death. I don't know who I am without my eating disorder.

It has become who I am, my identity. And without it I almost feel naked or invisible.

I'm so afraid of the future and drain myself with worry and constantly think about the "what if's"

My head is spinning every second of everyday. I want it to stop, so badly.

But I know each day that I face ED and fight back a little more, his voice will start to get softer.

I'm almost positive it will never go away, and he will always be there trying to reel my in, but I hope one day soon I'll be able to hear him but just let the thoughts slip out of my mind.

I want to be strong enough to be able to do that; and right now all I am is weak.

Listening and believing the lies he's telling me even when I KNOW they are completely irrational.

I hope with the time that's left in the day, things will get a little easier.

It seems impossible but anything really is possible. I guess I am in control ultimately of how the rest of my day goes, but I honestly never feel in control anymore. I want that back, and hopefully with every bite I take and every time I fight urges and show ED who's boss the more control I will gain.