The title explains it all. I'm overwhelmed, worried, anxious, guilty, sad, depressed, ambivalent, motivated, sick, blah blah blah the list could go on forever. Today has been rough in the emotional/mental department. ED has been extremely loud, and I can't bear to handle it anymore. It's making me go insane and hate every inch of who I am. He's making me feel so bad about myself lately, and it seems like the more I try to ignore him, the louder he gets.. Screaming at me when I'm forcing food down my throat, when I'm looking at my body in the mirror every two seconds, when I'm doing anything he tells me it could always and should always be better. Basically that I'm not good enough; That I'm eating too much and I should be ashamed of myself and embarrassed, which I am. I can't eat around anyone because I feel like such a fat cow. He tells me that my thighs are closer together or that I have love handles or a muffin top and that you can't see my bones anymore. I can't stand to be around anyone because I'm afraid that what I'm told day in and day out is really what everyone see's and I'm humiliated. I just want to hide in a dark hole and never have to show myself. I know it probably sounds pathetic but it's basically the story of my life. I'm trying to fight to stay out of day treatment, but it seems so unbearable, so hard. Every time I have to out food in my mouth and have to force myself to sit with the discomfort of how it's sitting like a bag of rocks in my stomach and that its created me to have a disgustingly huge stomach I have this enormous sense of guilt and hate towards myself. I hate myself for doing what I need to, but at the same time I hate myself if I give into ED. I don't know what to do with myself. It seems like every day is a constant battle, and I feel like I'm getting tired of fighting.. Like I'm at the end of my rope ready to surrender. But I can't let myself. If I do I'll lose all of the control I have right now; I'll be forced to sit with people who check off everything I eat and make sure I finish every little crumb and basically lick my plate clean. I can't deal with that hell. It's not worth it. But for some reason that is never enough for me to turn things around on my own. I want that to give me motivation and it does at first, but then the motivation disappears and is no where to be found. Its like it was never there at all in the first place. Its so frustrating. I hate myself that I can't do better, and that I can't just do what everyone asks of me, and that I can't be a strong person and fight this demon. I have always given up, and feel I always will. Because I'm too afraid to face what I need to, and all that's in front of me. Its too scary, and I don't want to be anywhere near it. But if I want a life back I need to face it at some point. I need to look straight in the eyes of my fear and just face it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is anything I do never enough?
I had my first family therapy session today. I wasn't expecting it to be as terrible as it was. I was ready to fucking punch the therapist in the face and tell her to fuck off. She was making me so angry, and I'm not an angry person. She was basically telling my Dad and step mom that they should basically be the food police and sit at every meal with me and make sure I;m eating whats exactly on my meal plan just as if I were in a program. I told her hell no that DOES NOT work for me, sorry. She said apparently I can't do it on my own if I've lost 3 lbs. Well apparently she doesn't see that I'm trying or working hard because she's not the one home with me every day. It's so frustrating. I hate when my team bases everything off of the number on the scale. I understand that yeah, its a pretty important piece of the puzzle but that shouldn't be the only thing looked at. Seriously, it makes no sense. They all tell me I shouldn't focus on numbers and the number on the scale doesn't matter yet, here they are dictating my recovery and my progress on the fucking number on the scale. It's like if I lose even fucking .1 I must be doing something wrong and I can't do it on my own and I need treatment. FUCK THAT. 1- Weight fluctuates.. isn't that normal? Orrrr is it different for anorexics? I don't get it. And 2- Just because I didn't gain weight like they fucking want me to doesn't mean I'm not trying. I hate how everything is about that one fucking number, and how it basically dictates my worth right now and apparently what I'm capable of. I could go on and on but I'll just stop there. Anyway, this lady was annoying and I don't want to go back, but she's the only therapist in the area that is convenient. So I basically have to suck it up and go with it. I'll do it for my Dad and step mom, because it's what they want. Hopefully it gets a little better, but nothing usually does. BLAH.
I canceled my therapy appointment because of the snow which I was happy about because I really wasn't feeling going at all, and then I called IOP to tell them I wasn't coming because of the weather. I'm happy I got out of that. I fucking hate that place. I just want to be done with it. But I'm trying to remind myself that it's better than the hospital. I just have to keep that playing in my mind. I feel under so much pressure that it's driving my anxiety up a wall. I feel like any small mistake I make determines if I keep doing what I'm doing or do something else. I feel so overwhelmed. I just want it to all go away. Pleasepleaseplease.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and it was supposed to be at 9:45 so I was happy that I would get out of it because of the snow. But it was just my luck that they called this morning and said that I need to come in so they are making me come in in the afternoon. Seriously? WHY!!! I'm not fucking dying, I think I'll manage. Ugh. But its mainly because my doctor will be back and I haven't seen her in a month, and she said she's worried. I'm honestly so nervous because I'm afraid of what she's gonna say. I'm afraid of what could happen. But, I'm hoping because of the fact that I've been trying to push myself a little harder the past few days, that I'll make it past this appointment.. and then I get to be anxious about the next fucking one. It's suck a cycle. I feel like I can never take a deep breathe and say "Okay it's okay, it's all over now." Because it's never ending. It's driving me crazy. I don't know how much longer I can take it. Part of me hopes the number isn't down, but the other part of me will be happy if it is. I want to be as small as I can get away with. I already feel fucking huge right now and it's making me hate hate hate who I am. But it's probably annoying to hear, so I'll just stop there.
I want to be able to keep fighting, and I want to be able to make everyone happy. I want to make people proud and seem like a strong person. But to me, giving up my ED means I'm weak. Eating what I need to means I'm weak and that I have no control. Gaining weight means I'm worthless and will be so fat. Like I said a million times, I'm scared. I just want to wake up and have it all be gone. Like it never happened. It would make life ten times easier. But clearly my life wasn't meant to be easy. I'm not surprised. Someone make it all go away.
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