This hits me like a heavy bag of rocks. It tells me that I need to be patient in order to get to the other side, I need to be open to do things to get to the other side as well. It may take awhile, but in the end it's all worth it, and it means so much. But most importantly, no matter how you turn out to be in the end, those who are truly there for you are the only ones that matter.

This is hard for me; this whole topic. I have to admit, one of the things that holds me back from recovering and fighting back is the fear that I'll be abandoned, and left alone, and not cared about anymore. I'm afraid that I'll become invisible again, basically back to the way I felt before. I hate to say it but I like feeling cared about, and thought about and worried about. It's because when that's the case, I actually feel like something.. I feel like a human, someone special. Deep down I don't like scaring people and making people worry, but part of me likes the attention because otherwise I feel like a nobody. I feel like a boring old person just like everyone else. And believe me I'm not saying that people who don't have eating disorders aren't special and their invisible, I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that's how I feel about myself personally. I feel like having an eating disorder helps me stand out; it helps bring attention to myself because I look sickly thin, and I look like I'm about to collapse. I bet you're thinking "Why would anyone ever want to look like that?" And honestly I don't really have an answer for you.  But I do know that you would only understand if you were in my shoes. And I suggest you never go down that road. I don't wish this for ANYONE. But for me? I feel like it happened to me for a reason; like I deserve to be going through this. I base the fact that I almost died in a car accident when I was 8 years old, and my Mom dying suddenly when I was 12 as basically telling me that this is just another thing that should be happening to me, and I deserve it. People tell me differently, they tell me I'm one of the last people who ever deserves to be going through something like this because I'm so sweet and caring and thoughtful and strong; but I can't see what they see. Unlike them I have distorted glasses on my face that make me see someone totally different. Someone who is fat, ugly, worthless, selfish, manipulative, stupid, and so on. I base my worth on how I look, because that's what I feel everyone else bases me off of. I don't want to see people because I'm afraid if I don't look like a skeleton then they'll think I'm cured and all better. And then that leads me to believe that I will soon become invisible again; and forgotten about. I'm afraid to be normal, but at the same time I'm craving it so bad. I don't know what to think anymore. But I'm scared to let go.

Today has made me realize that I need to fight. I have no choice anymore. Well, ultimately I do have a choice, and I'm the one in control of what I do and don't do, but it doesn't feel that way.. ED's in control in my mind. But I was this close to having to be stepped up to do a day program which is torture. I've already done it twice and it's only gotten me worse. They called my Dad and told him it was because of my heart rate, and because it was scary low. It was 45, but I don't know that doesn't scare me like it does for others. They were concerned and wanted to talk to my doctor about what to do. Well, hours and hours later after sitting in my house not being able to do anything because of my anxiety, I heard the phone ring, and my heart jumped out of my chest. I started to eavesdrop and it didn't sound good. But the more I listened the more promising it sounded, and I got a little hope inside me. I prayed my prayers and hoped that I would be okay. My Dad then hung up the phone and proceeded to tell me that they're giving me a chance. Giving me a chance to prove that I don't have to have more help, and that I can mostly do it on my own. I have to say I was extremely happy but another part of me was petrified. I don't know if I can do it. I finally realized that I NEED to change what I'm doing; I NEED to deal with the discomfort of eating and feeling feelings. Deep down I want to kick ED's ass and prove to everyone that I can do it and that I'm capable because deep down I know I am. But I'm scared. I'm scared I'm gonna mess up and have my chance be taken away. My last and final chance. I'm hoping the fire within me and God can help me get through this. I need to fight, I need to do what I'm supposed to, I need to tell myself that giving in isn't worth it. I know this journey is one of the hardest I will ever have to travel, and I'm afraid my gas will slowly run out. I pray it won't, but I always have the thought in the back of my mind that it will.