The day that has finally come to an end.

I don't even know how to start this off.

My day was all over the place and seemed to go on forever and ever.

And it seemed like all it did was continually get worse. Figures right?

I tried to wake up today thinking positive and doing my usual routine and looking at my horoscope-

It's difficult to admit when your plan isn't working, yet your pride can stand between you and success now. Someone has entered your life and is eager to guide you along on your path. But it's impossible for anyone to make a meaningful connection with you if you appear too self-sufficient. You may feel uncomfortable sharing your vulnerabilities, but it could be the smartest thing you can do today.

Hm, sounds pretty interesting; and looking back on my day it related so much that it was scary.

I ended up getting out for a little bit, but little did I know I would run into someone I would least expect..

I was at the grocery store coming out and walking in at the same exact time was my friend's father.

Now this family has basically taken me in as one of their daughters for the past I don't even know how many years, But too many to count. The minute I saw him, I just wanted to hide and run away. I'm so anxious about seeing anyone let alone people who actually know me well.

Of course he saw me, and said "You look good" but then followed with "You don't look good, but you don't look terrible, you look okay." I wasn't really sure how to react to that, but honestly I didn't really like hearing it. Ya I know I twist people's words. Aka "You look good" = "You look bigger/fat."

But anyway, he seemed delighted to see me and asked if he could give me a hug, and course I couldn't say no.. But I expected that to be it; just a short encounter of hello's and goodbye's but of course not.

He then proceded to ask me if he could talk to me for a little bit, of course I couldn't say no to that either

even though deep down I was ready to just run to my car and drive drive drive, but I gave it a chance.

I have to say, what he said to me were some of the nicest, caring, sincere things I have ever been told in my life. He was going on and on about how I am basically a daughter to them, and I always will be.

He said they care so much about me, and only want the best for me; they always have.

Then he started talking about my mom, and how he thinks she is definitly watching over me right now.

But I think to myself all the time, how could she watch this happen?

How could she just sit up there and watch me suffer and go through so much pain?

But I know that each day that I face, she provides me with a little more strength and hope.

He said my Mom only wants the best for me, also my Dad and stepmom as well.

He then hit me with something I would've never expected.

He said he's always admired me. I was speechless. To hear that made my heart jump.

I actually didn't feel invisible for that one moment; I actually felt like someone; someone who has touched someone else's life. I was glad to hear that. I was glad to hear everything he said.

But most importantly he said " The Trine I knew was a fighter, and I know she's still in there."

Part of me believe's that it's in there somewhere, and I have sparks of it, but why won't it stay?

What's holding me back?

He said so many people are rooting for me, and that was a good reminder to hear.

I always feel so alone, and I'm afraid that if I wasn't basically dying or emanciated or in the hospital that no one would care anymore. No one would give me the attention I've gotten, and things would go on like nothing happened. That's my biggest fear- being abandoned and forgotten about; well besides weight gain of course, but that's a whole other story.

We then said our goodbye's and I was on my way home.

I don't know what got into me but I just starting balling.

I could barely see, and tears were streaming down my face like a waterfall.

I started screaming " Why am I doing this to everyone?!"

"Why am I hurting the people who care about me more than anything?!

I ask myself those questions everyday, but it seems like nothing is ever enough for me to give this up.

I admit I feel so guilty for that. But I'm hoping soon that those things will be more important to me than ED.

On another note, I came home to a message from my doctor saying to call back. And of course I immediatly got the gut feeling that it wouldn't be good news. I picked up the phone, dialed the number and my heart was about to jump out of my chest.

I have to go back in on Monday to get labs re- done because mine were off.

I then asked if I could talk to the doctor because I had something I really needed to tell her and be honest about.  The secretary responded by saying she wasn't in but she would relay the message. I could only imagine what she would think when she got that message..

Then I went on with my business and heard the phone ring, figuring it was a stupid telemarketer. but then my stepmom yelled up to me and said it was the doctor's office. I thought to myself "Fuck! I can't do this I can't do this." But I picked up the phone, and responded with a shaky voice.

I told her I had to tell her something and be honest and just get it off my chest.

I paused for a while and explained how anxious I was, but she said it was okay.

Then it just spilled out; I told her I had been manipulating my weight.

I felt to ashamed and embarrased for doing something like that for the past 5 appointments.

That's not who I am; I don't lie and manipulate like that.

I was ashamed to say the least, but she said she was proud of me for saying something.

That made me feel a little better, and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I just hope that I don't have to face consequences because of it. I'm so afraid, but we'll see on Monday.

After hanging up, I decided to talk to my step mom about it. Why not let it out some more right?

But yet again it took me so long to just spit it out.

I was afraid of disappointing her, I was afraid I would be judged.

But that wasn't the case. She listened and comforted me. It felt good.

I'm happy I said something. I'm proud I was actually myself for a moment and not letting ED control me.

Before I knew it I had to get my stuff together and drive a long hour to my first night of IOP.

I was anxious, worried about dinner there, worried about who would be there, if I would be the biggest one, blah blah blah; All my worrying like always.

I got there, and it was okay. I was managing.

There were 2 groups and, I've been there so many times before and they still teach the same shit so I don't feel like it's very helpful, but it was only the first night..

I was surprised I struggled so much at dinner. I had an enormous feeling of guilt with every tiny bite I put in my mouth. All I could picture was me blowing up, even though I know that's unlikely to happen.

But the night ended and I was getting on my way to head home..

I was supposed to have my snack an hour later, but my stomach really wasn't agreeing with me;

but deep down it was just ED filling my head with lies.

But I gave in; I'm mad at myself and I regret it. I feel like I'm throwing my motivation and chances to get on the right track all away, and not thinking twice about it.

But as a result I'm trying to just let it go and move on.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will try harder; I have no choice but to try harder.

I need to stay out of the hospital, that place would ruin me to the point of wanting to take my life.

I just can't do that again. So I need to fight back. I need to fight back hard.

I need to utilize my supports to get me going in the right direction, because I know I can.

But actions speak louder then words..

Today was a struggle, and looking back on my horoscope it was totally accurate.

I guess there were a few good outcomes from today, and things could've been worse.

I'm glad I heard the things I did, and I'm glad I took the step and was honest.

I hope tomorrow isn't as painful and depressing. I can only pray that God is on my side.

I hope I can turn things around as far as following my meal plan and just accepting things as they are.

I just need to remember that it's the beauty inside that counts, not the number on the scale.

I still believe it is, and I can't seem to get away from that thought- hopefully soon.

Well, I'm sorry for rambling and I wouldn't be surprised if you just gave up and didn't read this whole post but, I needed to get all of this out somehow. Thank you if you did listen, it is very much appreciated.

Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully I can keep taking the steps toward a better life. I just need to believe that it's possible.