I love my best friend.



Bleh.

That's what I have to say for myself.

I'm feeling so many mixed emotions lately.

Okay then shitty, up then down, depressed then regular.

I don't know what's real and what isn't at this point.

ED is loud. Oh so loud. Screaming.

"You are fat." I am fat.

"You are a nobody." I am a nobody.

"You will have no future." I will have no future.

"You have to gain more weight, you're going to be even fatter." This is true.

"4 more pounds is basically like 500." I'll definitely feel it.

"That size you wear is way too big. That's a fat girl size." I'm aware.

"You're eating too much. You're a greedy pig." I know I eat way too much.

"Everyone hates you because of this, you'll never have friends." Yep, you're right.

You're not allowed to smile, stop that. It's ugly anyway." You're right, it feels wrong.

"You will never leave me right?" Probably not. You have a tight grip on me.

He's so controlling and so ugh I don't know.

He has put all of this stuff in my head and I can't help but agree.

Hearing things over and over makes me automatically believe them.

I can be rational for moments, I can bring myself back down to reality, but the thought and doubts are always lingering in the back of my mind. All of the "what ifs."

I am constantly questioning everything he says, and what the recovery voice says.

It is an on going battle.

"Do this." "No, you don't want to do that." "Exercise, it's okay. You're fat." "Exercise will do nothing but hinder your path. "You don't need to have that exchange, it won't make a difference." "Based on the past, your body has reacted to when you don't follow your meal plan, this isn't any different." "You need to keep everything in so no one interferes and takes control of you." "It's unhealthy to keep things in. People are only trying to help you, and they want to do whatever they can."

How do you think it feels to hear this all day? It makes me unfocused and all over the place an so worrisome. I can never catch a break. ED is always out to get me, and sometimes I am just not strong enough to fight back. Recovery is draining. Probably will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my whole life. I just can't see myself ever winning. Winning my life back. Starting a new book rather than chapter. I want so many things for myself, but I want to keep the eating disorder too. ED has convinced me that I can lead a double life. I can have him, and I can live like everyone else does.  I can be skinny, but I won't have to be in treatment. I can work, I can go out, I can do what a 20 year olds should be doing. But ED will still be lingering in the darkness. Coming at all of the right times. He seems to always know when that is. I don't know how he does it. I mean, I'm not his only victim. There are millions going through what I am. But I guess everyone has a different ED. Some people have Ana or Mia (Anorexia or Bulimia) We are all interconnected in some way.We all get it. We all support each other. And that is so comforting. I wish everyone who knows me could have the knowledge about my eating disorder that I do. It would make things so much easier. Well, less stressful for me. But reality is, that just can't happen. I wish I could give everyone who knows me and knows about my eating disorder a lesson about how it really is. I feel like people have their own perceptions, and a lot are usually wrong. I guess it's not fair for me to be mad at them because they don't really fully get it, because they didn't have an eating disorder. It's just frustrating. I know it's probably frustrating to them too knowing that they can't do anything because they don't get it. I'm sorry I'm rambling but I guess that is just what is on my mind right now. I just feel so alone. I feel like no one around me really gets it. I wish I was with people who did. But a the same time I hate being with people ho have my problems because they are triggering to me, and i becomes a competition. So here I am, on my own. Trying to manage this fucking hell day in and day out. I don't know how I am doing it. I really don't. I feel like I'm about to give up any day now. But I know that wouldn't make sense. I know that it would suck to go back all the way to the beginning. Having to gain 30 pounds again, having to eat so so much. It's hell. It's a nightmare. I feel so twisted. I don't know. I just don't know.

I know I didn't blog yesterday, but I just didn't feel like it.

I haven't felt like it lately. I mean it's not like people read this anyway.

It's a bunch of rubbish and just me complaining about how I hate my life.

Well sorry, don't read if you hate it. That's it. It's your choice.

Anyway. The past two days have been up and down.

Body image has been bad like it always has, no surprise.

I wish it all would just go away. I wish I didn't see myself like I do.

Supposedly what I see isn't what everyone else sees.

But really? That's a fucking lie. How can people not notice my fucking thunder thighs and bulging stomach? How how how? I just don't understand. It's all lies.

Ugh I can't stand myself. Fat fat fat.

I'm eating way too much. It's embarrassing. I don't get how I'm not gaining 5 pounds over night. It' kind of crazy how my body has been working. It is so deprived, or was. Now it's just eating everything up because it is afraid that I will stop feeding it again. I'm surprised that I'm not even gaining a pound a week. How? I am eating SO MUCH. Like seriously. More than a man. I try to rationalize it by saying that if I'm not even gaining that much then I must really need all of this food, and I must really still need increases every week. I guess the number of calories doesn't matter, it's just how much. I'm kind of thankful that I am not gaining too fast, it makes it a little easier to handle. But the bad thing is it takes so much longer and it is dreadful. Dragging on and on and on. But I think that if I was in treatment and doing it fast, then I would just lose it all when I got out. Luckily that won't be an issue.

 I still have a few pounds to go, and hopefully it won't make much of a difference. Please please please. I can't bear to get any fatter. I need to start working out for real. Once I get to that weight I am working out more. I don't care. I will secretly run. I will do anything. I need to. I need to get in shape. But I don't want muscles. I want to look dainty and fragile. I want long lean slim legs, not short stubby muscular ones. I was thin arms, not manly ones. I want a six pack, not just a flat stomach. I want so much but I can't fucking have it and I don't know why! It's MY BODY. I should be able to do whatever I want. When I can start working out I am doing Zumba. I think that just gets you in shape and keeps you lean. Or maybe Pilates or Hot yoga. I know that running and cardio are the things that really get your stomach fit, but I don't want muscular legs! Waaaaaah. I wish I could just do all of it. I don't care. Once I get to that healthy weight I am free to do whatever I want. I can finally tone. I can bear to look at this body anymore. I know that no one sees my stomach or if I have a six pack, but I can. I care about it. I can look at a blank stomach. I just can't. I need to see muscles without pulsing. Fuck. I'm so out of it. I care way too much.

Eating has been so robotic lately. Eating the same things, same time, same place.

I am just sick of it all. I'm sick of living. Actually surviving an existing at all. Living has become a chore.

It's not supposed to be that way. It's supposed to b a life worth living, but I see no worth with this life.

It's all a waste. I'm a waste.

I went grocery hopping with Dad yesterday and that was about it.

Boring lonely day. 

Today I had family therapy early and it was alright. We just updated her about how things have been. We told her about my birthday debacle and how I cried over frozen yogurt. She said it was a big step and I should feel proud. I am a disgusting pig, why would I ever feel proud?  Hm. We talked about EMDR which is a type of therapy to bring out underlying emotions based on past traumatic experiences. I think it's dumb. I mean really, how can a few sessions all of a sudden take away my pain of Mom's death? It makes no sense. A waste of time. But I feel pressured to do it. I don't want to.

We talked about how this weekend will be a challenge for me. I am not saying any more because Dad specifically told m not to. I am sticking by my word. Let me just say that I will be on my own, and I will be facing a very big challenge. I couldn't be happier. Wait I'm not happy. I just want some freedom. Not like they hover over me now anyway, but still. It's different. I am going to the mall to try on clothes and ya. Probably not a good idea. Actually I know it's not a good idea, but do you think that will stop me? NOPE. I hate putting myself through all of this torture. But I need to know. Other than that I'm just hanging. Jewelry party next door on Saturday and I'm seeing Kate tomorrow night because she goes back to school soon. Other than that, nada. Te rest of the day today went by pretty fast. I was on the computer mostly when I was home or either watching TV. But something totally unexpected happened. I saw that I had a missed call after I got out of the shower. I didn't know the number, and I had a voicemail. Hm. I listened to it and it was the manager of the store that I filled out an application for! She wants to interview me next week! Ah. I was so shocked. I seriously just filled out the application just for shits and I barely wrote down information but she called! I'm not going to say where it is because I don't want people coming to just see me. It's a place where not many people go, and that makes me feel better. It's the ideal job, and I might get it. I told Denise ad she was basically jumping for joy. I called her back and set up an appointment for Tuesday. Then all of the nerves hit. CLOTHES. What am  possibly going t wear? What do the employees even wear? Is it casual? I'm so nervous about it. I have no clothes. None that fit me. Now, I am forced to go out and buy at least some clothes to at least tide me over for a little bit. I'm going to look so fat I can't stand it. Like, I have to wear legit pants. Not sweatpants, legit pants. AKA fitted pants. I am so scared. I don't mind wearing big sweaters and shirts, but pants, AH. I have so many thoughts going on I'm my head about it. Me and Denise looked online to look at some possibilities, and we are going to try some on Sunday because m interview is Tuesday. AHHHHH. But I am going to secretly go myself so I can prepare and just see what size I am. I know I shouldn't, but I already did on Monday. It needs to happen at some point right? I ill squeeze myself into that size. I will pull the waistband so they fit me. They better for my anyway. They WILL fit me. Fuck. I'm so fattttttttttttttttttttttt. Another thing is that I look fucking normal and now I will look EVEN MORE normal with legit clothes. I have to put myself together. I mean I wear m hair down and stuff no but you think I wear makeup? Ha. I haven't worn it in 3 years! I am so used to not wearing it. I look ugly with it. I look ugly either way who am I kidding. But ya, that was the surprise of the day. I am also anxious because of my schedule and my eating times and exercise and AH. But hopefully this job will entail some exercise kind of. Walking around, standing on my feet for 8 hours. Better than sitting on my ass on my laptop all day. I guess that's a plus. And I can always just do the exercise that I couldn't do when I get home whenever that is. It will be okay, it will be okay. AAAAAAAAAAAH. I kin of want the job but I don't. Will people qualify me as normal now? Will they think I'm all better because I have to wear a fake smile on my face? I will be depressed, I will show my bones, I will show whatever I can. People need to know I am sick.  I have no idea what is going to happen. I am still in shock that I even got a call back. They really must be desperate! Well whatever! Make some more money! And I can maybe spend it stuff other than co pays and food, but I doubt it. Anyway, the rest of my day was blah. I had lunch, checked my weight, and it was down .2. But I still gained weight this week. But only .2 which is basically nothing. Eh. At least I didn't lose right? Meh. After that I went to Trader Joe's to get my weekly stuff and then the grocery store to get something that I need for tomorrow. I didn't have therapy today because she is away, and it was a good break. I came home, read more of Girl, Interrupted and just had dinner. WAY TOO MUCH FOOD. I am so bored now and just counting down the minutes until snack and then bed. I hate how all I think about is food and what I will eat and how many calories and what time and AAAAAAAAAAAAH. It's fucking terrible. It makes no sense but anorexics are obsessed with food. Looking at it, smelling it, but never eating it. I have gone through my fridge and cabinets just smelling food pretending that I am tasting it. It works. But I still feel fat even if I don't eat it. I don't know, it's weird. Food food food. Oh how I love/hate you.

This week have flown by, it's crazy.

Tomorrow I will be on my own officially and I have my appointment.

I'm not going to lie, I am really nervous because who knows if my weight will go down tomorrow.

I mean it is normal for weight to fluctuate so I don't understand why thy are so strict if I don't gain or lose one week. Isn't it normal for that to happen? It's so frustrating.

I am just so nervous that I will lose from now until tomorrow. I mean maybe I was down today because I ate alot less because I didn't follow my meal plan. Today I got back on track I guess you could say and i am reeeeeally feeling it. I feel so fucking fat. I AM so fucking fat.

But, we'll see tomorrow I guess. I only have a weigh in so hopefully it won't be a problem.

Last time I had a weigh in I lost weight and they didn't make me stay and talk to her.

I hope that this time will be the same. AHHH I'M NERVOUS!

I have Julie tomorrow too. I haven't seen her in forever. There is really no point in seeing her.

I get the same increase every week so it is just a waste of my time.

Bleh. Other than that I got nothing else. Oh actually like I said I will be going to see Kate tomorrow. AKA my best friend if I've never told you or if you just didn't know. I miss her. I haven't seen her in awhile and I wonder if she misses me. She is giving me my birthday present and Denise said it was really good. Hm. She always gives good gifts. But I have no idea what this could be. Guess we'll see. I'm scared for them to see me. Do I look different? Will they be able to see my fat? Ugh, I'm so scared. But they are the people who I would go to first. I know they don't judge me at all and they don't even talk about ED when I am there. Their goal is to get my mind off of it and distract me, and for the few hours I am there, it works. I am so thankful that I have them. And I feel bad that I have been ignoring them, or at least not making contact with them. I hope they know I haven't forgotten about them, but I am just having a hard time and I am wrapped up in this fucking mess. I think they understand, and thy are just giving me my space which I appreciate.

Other than that, I got nothin. The week is basically coming to and end thank God and I can't believe that next week will be September. It's crazy how time flies. I love fall so so much. It is my favourite season out of all. The only reason I am looking forward to it right now is because I can hide my fat body behind big sweaters. Win. And pumpkin will be back in grocery stores and I live on that stuff. Mmmmmm. But anyway, I am rambling now and I would be surprised if you even are still reading this. If you are, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say and try to understand what I am going through. It means so much to me. I love you all xx

I can't fucking do this.

I can't I can't I can't I can't.

I want to give up. I really do this time.

I want to cry, but nothing will come out. I want to scream but nothing will come out.

I am silent but wanting to say so many things.

I don't want to feel. I want to be numb from everything. Dealing with this is too hard.

I don't like it.

Isn't recovery supposed to be liberating? Aren't I supposed to be empowered?

No. Instead I want to kill myself because of this hard fucking work.

I don't even want to continue because this is so much harder than I ever expected.

I never thought I would even last this long, and I don't know how I have.

I have no idea how I have been home since Christmas. It's crazy.

The only reason I'm still home is because I never want to be watched and put somewhere where I am treated like dirt. Like nothing. I want freedom. I want to be able to make my own decisions and learn for myself. That's a part of recovery isn't it? I'm supposed to relapse and struggle.

Ultimately I am the only one who can change. IT IS MY LIFE. Ya people can put a tube in me and force feed me if I need it but I can keep doing all the wrong things over and over again for my entire life.

But I know what I need to do to at least stay out of the hospital.

I never ever ever want to end up back in some place like that. It ruins me.

I can't stand being watched and around people smaller than me. I can't bear to be the biggest one out of everyone; the one who doesn't even look like she has an eating disorder.

That is just flat out embarrassing for me.

But I so badly just want to give up and go back to my emaciated figure and have everyone worry about me. and my health. Worry that I may not wake up because my heart rate is 30, or having a heart attack because of over exercise, or just flat out being so weak because of starving myself.

Now my life is a joke. Now I am just a nobody.

I will always fucking be a nobody no matter how hard I try not to be.

I will always be the one in the background and I will always be the ugly one and awkward one.

Fuck. I don't even have any hope. I am so helpless. I need something.

Something needs to change. But I don't want to change. I want to stay wrapped up with ED. This is where I am comfortable. This is where I feel safe and at home.

I don't want to leave my house. It's all I have right now.

Life is none existent for me, and it always will be if I'm with ED.

I don't really feel like writing. There's not much that I have to say.

All the usual. I'm fat, I'm gross, I'm a failure, I'm a pig. Yaaa.

Yesterday and today I gave into ED.

My weight is fucking too high for me and I can't handle it anymore.

FATFATFATAFAT.

I just don't give a shit anymore. I'm not completely giving up because I don't want to face the consequences, but I listen to ED little by little, just doing the absolute minimum that I need to do just to get by.

Just to survive.

I just feel so fat. That is is all see, it is all I feel. I hate it.

Yesterday was fucking dumb and sucky.

I went to church and felt fat because of my weight and just blah and went to church and was comparing myself to 8 year olds and I was jealous. Pathetic I know.

Then I had lunch and went to the mall to get my nails and toes done with Denise.

I went to look at some shoes because I got a gift card for my birthday and there was a sale going on so I thought I should take advantage of it.

I ended up finding two pairs I really like but one pair didn't have my size so I didn't get any.

I had to bring my snack and felt so fucking fat. I was going to throw it away but I just had it.

Came home, had dinner, did nothing but Tumblr, and ya that's all.

Pretty much was miserable the whole day. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of existing.

Today was worse than yesterday.

I had to wake up early and have my breakfast a fucking hour early.

We all know I hate throwing off of my regular schedule.

I went to help Denise's mom at her store.

Too bad I was fucking a half an hour late because I got lost. Turns out I was basically right across from her store the entire time. I was so annoyed and the last thing I wanted to do was be there at that point. I knew because of that bad start to the day that it would probably keep going that way.

I stayed there for two hours and basically just vacuumed and shampooed the carpets.

I have to say it was a good distraction.

After that I went up to the Shoppes at Millbury because there was another shoe store there, the same one that was in the other mall that I went to so I wanted to see if that store had my size. They didn't but it turns out that I wouldn't have fit in that size anyway, so I just got the bigger size and got both shoes!

I felt good buying something. It makes me miss it.

Then I went to return a book at Barnes and Noble and try to find another one.

I had a list of ED books that I wanted to see if they had but they barely had any.

I ended up finding another one about a girl who went to McLean hospital and I thought it was cool because I went there for treatment too, but she went in the 60's. It's called Girl Interrupted and there is a movie too but I have never seen it. But I hear it's pretty intense.

I also got a book called Everything happens for a reason. I try to live by this motto.

It is basically about how to come to terms with things that happen in life.

I think it will be good, and it was only 7.98! It was on sale so that is why I was able to get two books instead of one, so overall I had a good shopping trip.

All until I made a bad decision and went to try on clothes to see what size I am.

Bad bad bad. I am so fucking huge. I am so depressed. I just wish I was smaller.

I mean I'm smaller as far as size than I used to be, but nothing is good enough for ED.

I am so depressed. After that all I wanted to do was drive off a bridge.

I don't want to gain anymore. I can't.

Dr. Gupta says it won't make a difference. Just a few pounds but how can it not?! Seriously.

Then it didn't help that I went to check my weight at the store before I went home.

Bad bad bad. I have gained too much. The only good thing is it's the less I have to gain.

But I just can't stand seeing the number go up. I can't.

I wish I wasn't so attached to the scale. I'm torturing myself. I hate myself.

I hate all that I am. I hate who I have become. I fucking hate myself more than anything.

I wish I could just kill myself. I wish I had the guts. I wish that one time I actually drove into that tree.

I wish I could just slit my wrists up with those scissors. I need to do something. I need pain.

I need something to numb the feelings I can't take them.

Ugh.

I came home and forced myself to had lunch and faked my mood to Dad.

I can't tell them that I weighed myself or tried on clothes. Therefore I have to pretend.

I had lunch and felt unbelievably bad afterwards. So bad.

I was so full and I had to exercise. I had to. I had to make the feeling go away.

I felt such a rush. I felt so powerful and in control, but ED was. But I don't care.

I'm clearly fat anyway since my weight was up, but then I thought about it and I hadn't gone to the bathroom after drinking 20 oz of fluid so maybe that had something to do with it. I don't know.

But after lunch I tried to distract and plan my meals and snacks for the week and Tumblr.

I had snack and I felt so guilty and fat. Then I started reading Girl Interrupted and it's good so far.

I made dinner and had it and still feel shitty from it. Fuck my life.

Denise came home and we took a walk. I needed to get out. Exercise of any kind is great.

We just got back and now it's already almost time for snack.

I need to fucking exercise. I'm too fat for all of this. Too fat.

Tomorrow I am going grocery shopping with Dad and that is it.

Maybe some reading too. Just a boring depressing day.

Maybe it won't be as bad as today. I doubt it, but maybe.

I just wish I could escape from all of this.

I wish someone could just make it all disappear. Only I can, but I can't right now.

I'm afraid I never will be able to. I'm too weak. I just can't.

I want to fucking give up. I do I do I do.



Okay, so sorry I've been MIA for the past week.

It's not that a lot has been going on, I just haven't had the energy to blog.

I'm more into Tumblr now for some reason. Less writing.

I don't even remember the last time I posted so I don't really know what to update you on.

Well, ED is still a mean bastard. Nothing new.

He's getting under my skin so easily and I just can't take it.

Especially the past few days. It's been really rough. He's fighting, that's for sure.

Hm, well Monday my Papa left to go home and it was kind of sad.

He teared up as he said goodbye to me and when he left it was weird.

I mean it's not like he talked all the time or anything but just having another body was different.

I was going to miss baking him muffins and baked goods basically everyday.

And taking him to the grocery store to ride on his scooter and go to the day old bakery stuff.

I'll never forget the day that we played Dominos. He was looking forward to it so much. he was so happy, and that made me happy. But there were some rough times too. He was always talking about food and it really got to me and was just frustrating. I snapped a few times and felt bad afterwards. But other than that he didn't really say much about my ED. Which was good, but ED was telling me that it was bad because to him it didn't even seem like I had an eating disorder. I sure don't look like I do. At all.

He told me it was good to see me smile, and I immediately stopped. That's not allowed.

I have probably said all of this already so sorry if I'm repeating myself.

Anyway, back on track. Monday I also had my appointment with Dr. Gupta.

I was actually seeing her this time. I was confident since I knew I had gained weight, and I knew it was almost a pound which is a lot for me. It was terrifying.

I went by myself like I have been and it is just so much better. Dad has no reason to come with me. I don't need support since they have been going okay lately, and if it didn't go well he would just end up lecturing me anyway and we would both turn out upset. So therefore, that is why I go on my own now. I feel bad though because I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I think he understands.

Anyway, I went to Walmart to get my stuff and then chugged my snack and then got weighed and saw her. I was still pretty anxious and she commented on it actually. I didn't want her to be suspicious.

I mean I really didn't have anything to hide right? I was no longer drinking from the faucet after I peed so I was doing alright now. But still, I should really pee more. But ya whatever.

We actually had a really good talk. She actually brought up the stuff that I have been wanting to ask all on her own. I was relieved that I didn't have to bug her.

She did the norm, and asked how I was doing blah blah blah. She knew Papa was up and she asked how that went and I told her about it.

Then we talked about my weight. ALL of the things that I have wanted to know.

She was pleased with my weight this week and I was depressed about it but whatever.

She said I only had a little farther to go. That's when I asked how far really, because last time she said I didn't have far to go it was 8 pounds. She told me about 4 to 5 weeks if I continuously gain a pound a week. Gaaaaaaaah. I know I won't be able to gain a pound a week! I never have! Soo that means it will be fucking longer. But who knows, maybe my body will start catching up because I am eating like a fucking man. No lie. It's disgusting. But enough about that before I rip my hair out.

So that means 4-5lbs. She said it won't even make a difference, I know I will be able to tell though. I fucking think I look so much fatter when really I lost weight! It makes no sense at all.

I really believe that the lower my weight is the more distorted my mind is. I mean I guess it makes sense. But I don't understand because I am feeding my brain. Too much actually. So idk it's just weird.

Then I asked her if I could buy clothes even though I still had weight to gain. She said definitely because it wouldn't make a big difference. I told her I'm trying to be rational and remember that it is normal for people to fluctuate between 5 lbs, that is why there are ranges. I mean it depends on what you eat during a day and if you exercise, it changes. But the most important thing is that even thought their weight fluctuates, they don't have a different set of clothes to wear, they wear the same stuff, because their bodies don't really change! When I think about it, this is kind of comforting to know, but I feel like it will be different for me because all I'm gaining is FAT. PURE FAT. Such a pig ugh. She was proud of me for trying to think that way. She just said that it wouldn't be smart to buy super tight clothes, which I wouldn't at first because I feel too self conscious, and it's not like I'm gonna go out and buy clothes anyway right now, I just wanted to see if it would really make that big of a difference between now and when I'm done gaining. I swear I better not see it. When I think about it I have gained like 20lbs and I can't tell THAT much of a difference. I mean I can with certain parts but if I was able to gain that, then I think I can gain 4-5lbs. She asked me if she ever told me my weight and I was so surprised because she was always so against it, but she said it wouldn't be a good idea. Then I asked what BMI I had to get to and she actually told me. She knew I was just going to go home and look it up anyway which I did. She told me 19.5-20. I was expecting it to only be 20, so I guess that made me feel better. I still don't know what my weight there is though. Maybe 1lb or 1 1/2lbs heavier, not exactly sure. I honestly don't know how long I can keep up with that. But anyway, I got many of my questions answered, and I wasn't the annoying patient who asked her. She asked about my volunteering and I told her it was over but that I was planning on possibly volunteering during the school year with kids more the age that I want to teach with Denise's friend who is a teacher, and who knows maybe I could get a job as a teachers aid? But I think I might look for jobs too because this is the perfect time since everyone is going back to school. I don't know. That still makes me anxious, but I NEED MONEY! I hate how I spend it all on appointments and food. That's depressing. But I want to spend some of it on the tattoo I want to get. I decided it would be a gift to myself when I reached my weight so I could try to see the weight gain as a good thing and that it's over with. I still don't want to get there but I do at the same time. Ya know, I have already talked about this. Meaning healthy weight=FAT or people thinking I'm cured or me looking normal and having to go back into the real overwhelming world. Ya, all of that.

But anyway, my appointment went well and that made me feel like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I good way to start the week. I also am excited about the fact that since I saw her on Monday I wouldn't be seeing her for almost a week and a half! SWEET! I mean I don't know why I'm so excited about that because it's not like I can lose all of the weight, but I guess maybe the increase has to do with it? I don't know I have been kind of making my own when I want to. Well I don't really want to but I just do it when I think I can handle it. But it has been a struggle. I have done okay some days with it and other days i have failed, but whatever. As long as I don't lose weight it is all good.

I didn't see Julie because she told me what my increase would be the week before. It's always the same thing anyway because that's all I can handle right now. She's fine with that. At least it's something.

The rest of the week I didn't have much going on.

Tuesday I went grocery shopping with Dad, and just stayed at home. Wednesday was boring and a really hard day but I had therapy which helped. Oh and I got a surprise visit from a friend that I wasn't too happy about because I am a fat lard and ya I was just embarrassed and upset that it even happened.

I was balling after and just couldn't contain myself. I was so ashamed. Oh and of course it was right as I was making dinner. I was about to throw it all away in the fucking trash. Instead I just balled the whole time.

Me and Denise took a walk after to talk things out and I was so annoyed because I felt like she wasn't taking m side. I mean I don't know if she was mad at me or ED, but it was one or the other.

She kept asking me "Well, can see a positive from this?" Fucking no I can't. All I can think about is how my fat chubby legs were out in the open and how fat I looked. She said it was so sad that I wasn't grateful or thankful that she even got me a gift. I was so mad because I WAS GRATEFUL. I said thank you and I did appreciate it because it was thoughtful, but I honestly was just so out of it when it all happened. It was just so awkward and i couldn't make eye contact with her and ya I just wanted it to be over. Now that makes me not want to see anybody, because I hate how everything has changed. I have ruined all of my relationships. I am so different, and not is a good way. I feel like I will have nothing now.

Then the rest of the walk Denise just lectured me but honestly all I could think about was that it actually happened. This was something that would keep m up all night. The dreaded question "What does she think now that she saw me?" and "Does she think I'm all better just because I don't look skinny or sick?" "Does she think I look normal?" Asking myself over and over and over. I told her I knew she thought I looked fine, but she said she wasn't going to say anything about it because that was giving into ED. I guess she has learned something throughout these past 3 years. I said that i already knew what the answer was anyway, and she told me that she wasn't going to disagree with me or agree with me. So now I am still wondering what she thought. I mean i still have a thigh gap and my collar bones are still clearly visible, but no no no i am fat. There's no other way to put it. FAT FAT FAT.

Luckily I didn't lose sleep that night but I am still asking myself those questions.

I had therapy Wednesday and it was good. We talked about that incident and she gave me her opinion and she actually saw where I was coming from and she took my side. We talked about other stuff but I always forget after I leave. I don't think that's very good. Meh.

Oh, I forgot to say that I checked my weight Monday after my appointment and it was actually down .4 lbs from the last time I checked it, but I still had gained. I was surprised and was thankful that I checked it that day and now I had a better reading for the week.

I checked it Wednesday and I think it was down .6 from Monday but I wasn't worried because I made an increase that day. Thursday I didn't check it because I helped out Denise's mom at her house cleaning for a few hours. Seriously I was so exhausted after. I vacuumed the whole house and it took me 3 hours. I made 30 bucks though so I was pleased, but she gave me a card for my birthday with 20 bucks in it. SCORE! She asked me if I was interested in helping her once a week with things and ED was screaming telling me no, so I said I would think about it and used the excuse that I would need to check my schedule.

Other than that my day was pretty boring. Oh ya! Me and Denise went to our first night of yoga! I was excited because I think of it as exercise, but I didn't know how intense it would be. It was actually more calming and relaxing than intense, which I guess is better for me rationally right now. But it will still build muscle and strength I think. I want to do fucking Pilates or Birikam yoga so I can be skinny!!! I will as soon as I can. I can't wait. But I don't know it gave me something to do and it was right after dinner so it helped my digestion which always helps.

Yesterday I just didn't my normal stuff. I went to the grocery store and checked my weight and it was up .4 from my appointment Monday. I have to say I was so fucking depressed about it, but tried to remind myself that it was just closer to not having to gain. It was supposed to be a positive thing. But gaining more fat, I don't see that as a good thing, at all. I had a really hard time fighting ED after that and I exercised too much, and ya, gave in. I stuck to my meal plan though for the most part.

Last night I babysat next door for about 3 hours and it was fine. The kids are always so good. All we do is watch movies. That is fine by me. I was really anxious though because I had to bring over my dinner. But they were too focused on the movie to even notice that I was in the other room.

I was home in time for my snack and Dad and Denise weren't home yet because they had met some friends out at a restaurant. Then they came back here with them and I made sure to stay up in my room for the rest of the night. Denise came up and told me that Mrs. Cahill had something for me and she would love to give it to me but I shot that down right away. I was too nervous about what would happen if i made an appearance. I just couldn't. Denise said she respected me for being honest. I was glad she didn't push me.

I was so tired and just went to bed. Dreading waking up the next day, staring at my fat body, and eating way too much. Boy oh boy.

Today I woke up feeling like a had gained a million pounds over night.

Ya, I know rationally that isn't possible, but when I see my body I swear it is.

I had to push all of my meals and snacks up today because I had to babysit and I didn't want to bring my lunch over there. So I had breakfast early all alone just the way I like it. I had the exact amount of my increase that i should be having and it made me feel so fat, but I just told myself that I needed to gain anyway. The morning dragged on and on especially after snack.

I finished up cleaning and then anxiously awaited the arrival of Dad's friends because they were coming over before going to a concert. I hate how my house is always the pre party house. It's so annoying. I don't want to see anyone!! I'm too fucking afraid. I had to make my lunch in front of them and I just know they were thinking in their heads that I was eating so much and that I was a pig. I know it. I'm so disgusted.

I shoved my lunch down my throat and then went next door to babysit. They were going to the same concert Dad and Denise were going to. I went over and one of the girls was sleeping which was completely fine with me. I went outside with the other and she rode her bike. Then it was time for her mom and dad to leave and she started balling and would not let go of her mom. She had never done that before and I felt so awkward. I had to rip her away from her and she was kicking and screaming and I hated it. I had to hold her as they drove away and she stood there screaming and balling. She went to the street and started walking and I went and picked her up and she was such a fucking pain. I brought her inside, put her on the couch and went outside and she literally sat there balling for a good half hour and then she was fine and she wanted to watch a movie. Fine with me. I had to bring my snack and that was fine. Time seemed to be going by so slow though and I just wanted to get out of there. I just kept telling myself "Money money money."

They finally came home and I went home and Dad and Denise weren't back yet. I was anxious because I didn't want everyone walking in on me when I was making or having dinner but they came awhile afterwards. I was a good child and cleaned the dishes and the kitchen because it needed to be perfect.

I had dinner and it was blah. I hate fucking eating. I'm sick of it.

Now I'm sitting here bored out of my mind and my fingers feel like they are about to fall off because I haven't typed this much in awhile gahhh.

I'm so depressed seeing that everyone is going back to school. That should be me,

I should be going back and seeing all of my friends and partying and I should be going into my junior year. But no, ED has fucked up everything and I am still a fucking freshman. Fuck it's so embarrassing.

I'm fucking 20 and I'm a freshman! Ughhhhhhhh! But I guess I will go when the time is right.

For now I have to deal with all of this shit. I wish i could just move out and be on my way. Soon.

Tomorrow Dad is going to the flea market and it's just me and Denise.

That makes me anxious because now she has one less person to focus on.

I am going to church and checking my weight and I am really anxious about it.

I mean I should be okay but my body tends to fuck with me. I know I should really make another increase tomorrow or Monday but I am so scared to. It all depends on what my weight is tomorrow.

Maybe I should just do it. But ugh I don't know I'm too afraid.

Me and Denise are going to get our nails and toes done at some point. I love how it has become like a bi-weekly thing for us. Free for me, sweet I'll take it.

I want to check out a few stores because I got gift cards for my birthday. I know I won't buy anything because I'm not ready for that, but just look.

Other than that I got nothing going on. Just a normal chill boring day like always.

I have about 45 minutes until snack and I am really anxious,

I can't stop looking in the mirror and pinching my flub. It's disgusting, I swear 4 lbs better not make a difference. I will cry. It can't it can't. I can't handle it.

I'm nervous to wake up tomorrow because of my increase today.

Fuck I hate myself and so does ED. I'm sorry for not listening ED. Please don't be mad, I will do better tomorrow. I promise.

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging.

I guess I just have so many thoughts right now that I don't even want to share them.

The past few days have been hell and I want to give up.

I really really do.

I just to cry. I want to ball. Nonstop.

But nothing will come out. It shows on my face, my depression is shining through, but there is only silence. Nothing but pure silence. My lips are sealed and it is only me and my mind.

I am going crazy. I want to run away. I want to escape. I don't know what to do.

I am I DON'T KNOW. Fuck fuck fuck. UGHHHHHH :(

I am trying so hard to let the tears come out, but they are resisting.

C"mon c'mon please come out. I need to release something.

The more I keep in, the more I suffer.

I just don't want to share what I am going through right now.

I don't want to be a disappointment to everyone. I don't want to let them down.

I am afraid everyone will leave me. Heck they probably will anyway.

I don't know what I'm saying. I'm so out of it.

Someone just please come here. Come give me a hug. I need that right now.

But I'm too afraid to get close to anyone. They will feel all of my fat.

My disgusting fat body is taking over. I am so overwhelmed.

I need help, I need something. I just need someone who understands.

Someone who I can talk to, someone who feels this feeling of discomfort that I have right now, the feeling of deep sadness and depression I am experiencing. Just someone, anyone.

Oh today. It wasn't that well at all.

It seemed to go by fast up until now. Now the time is passing by minute by minute and I find myself just staring at the clock. Tick tock tick tock. It's killing me.

From the moment I looked in the mirror until now I have been petrified.

Deathly afraid of what I see staring back at me. Fat. Disgusting. Worthless. Pig.

I don't really recall much about today because how I feel right now is taking over all of my thoughts.

I had breakfast, and thankfully I was downstairs alone. It's better that way. I am more relaxed. I just hate everyone being around me. I hate feeling like I am being watched.

After about an hour I went to the store to check my weight. So so so anxious.

I remembered I put the scale that I usually use in a different aisle so I went back to see if it was there and it was. A sigh of relief came over me.

I looked around, no one was around and I quickly stepped on. I was so nervous, but since I have felt so fat the past few days I expected that I gained. I kind of increased my intake too.

Turns out it was up. UP A FUCKING POUND! I haven't gained that much in a week up until now. No wonder why I have felt so shitty. Ugh. So depressing.

As soon as I stepped off and started walking out of the store, ED told me what I needed to do.

Restrict, Exercise, and that's that.

I was planning on listening. I just felt too shitty to not listen at that point.

ED told me that it wouldn't make a big difference anyway because my appointment is tomorrow.

I kind of believe him. But I need to be safe too.

I went to church, and I couldn't focus. Weight, weight, weight is all I could think about.

After church I came home and had snack in a rush.

I restricted. I needed to. I felt so fucking fat. I looked in the mirror and looked so fucking fat. But it's weird. I had muscle still, but I still looked fucking fat. I AM I AM I AM.

After I was fat and stuffed my face with snack, I went to the store with my Papa.

I was so anxious because it was so packed. And I was worried because I only had about an hour and a half until lunch, and last time we went with my Papa it took a fucking hour.

Well, this time wasn't any different. I was a lot more impatient this time.

I got all of my stuff in like 10 minutes, and I went around looking for Papa.

Up and down the aisles and there was no sign of him. I finally went to the Deli and there he was, sitting on his scooter waiting with a number in hand.

The deli was fucking PACKED. I went over to see what number he was and he was 74 and it was on fucking 43! Fuck my life. I decided that I would wait in line and he would get his other stuff so we could just leave right after I got his roast beef. I was getting so anxious waiting and looking at the time.

I finally got it, and then went on a huge search for Papa. It literally took 15 minutes and 10 walks around the entire store to finally spot him on his scooter. I quickly brought him to a check out line and we rung out.

I had 15 minutes until lunch so I rushed home just in time.

I was scrummaging through everything that I needed and started eating so quickly.

It never ends up good when that happens. I always get a terrible stomach ache, and this was no different.

I sucked at lunch, but I always do so it's no surprise. No one was bothering me though.

After lunch I went and showered because I was a gross fat pig and I needed to because my godparents were coming over in a about in hour and I needed to do something with myself.

I was so anxious as I heard them ring the doorbell. I didn't know what i should wear.

I had shorts on but I knew for sure I would be changing out of them.

There was absolutely no way that I would let them be blinded by my thunder thighs.

They had been here for a little bit and Denise came upstairs asking if I was ready to come down.

I said "No.." with kind of an attitude. I didn't mean to. I was just so anxious.

I put on some sweats, and a shirt that went off of my shoulders a little bit so my collar bones would be visible. I needed to prove that I was still somewhat thin. But it's hard to hide all of the other fat on my huge body. I slowly walked downstairs into the kitchen and ED came in.

"Stick your collar bones out so they look bonier, put on a depressed sad face so they don't think your okay." I listened. I was so afraid that they would say that I looked better or that I looked okay.

I think they know better though. They know what I'm going through and I am so close to them.

I felt so awkward because there is just nothing to talk about anymore.

My whole life is my ED and that's it. I said hi, gave them hugs, and went into my usual room right to my laptop. No socializing for me. That's for normal people.

My godmother gave me my birthday card and she gave me two gift cards.

One to Famous Footwear which I didn't expect, and one to Forever 21.

They both gave me the urge to go shopping. But I'm not ready for that. That is for normal people.

I honestly want to know what people would think if they saw me in jeans and a tshirt, or a dress, or a skirt. Leave a comment and be honest with me. I just need to know. I need to know if people judge me solely on my appearances. I think I already know what the answer is but I don't really want to hear it.

But anyway I was thankful that she gave me something. It's always hard to get me anything these days.

I sat on my ass in the room next to them and was on my laptop. I wasn't participating in conversation but I was listening. Denise glanced at me and then came over. She asked if I could socialize a little bit and I said "I don't know. I just feel really bad right now. I am having so many thoughts." She respected that, but I feel like everyone gets so annoyed with me with that stuff. But I guess it's expected.

They were all still in the kitchen and I had to make my snack. I told Denise and instead of her saying that she would lead them to the other room, she asked if it was something she could make for me. Really? never. I make my own stuff. ALWAYS. I anxiously went into the kitchen and was so embarrassed. they much have thought I was so fat. Anorexics aren't supposed to eat. They must think I don't have a problem now. I'm a  failure. I hate myself. I brought my snack upstairs and watched TV. I looked at my body and still saw muscles and a thigh gap so I was okay for the moment. That is all that matters. It didn't really look like I gained a pound which hopefully means that I won't look that different with 4 more on me.

Ugh. With my luck I will. I'll be even bigger. I can't afford that.

I stayed in my room as I heard everyone laughing and talking.

I wish i could be apart of it, but i can't be. I am too awkward, I have nothing to say.

Denise came up a little later and asked me if I wanted her to ask Lori to come up so I could talk to her alone. I really didn't want to talk to anyone at that point. I said that if she wanted to talk to me she would, so I didn't want to bother. So I stayed up in my room and counted calories over and over again.

Before I knew it it was time for dinner. Still so fat, still so huge.

Thankfully Denise got everyone to move into the other room so i could eat my dinner in peace.

Dinner wasn't that hard, but it was a lot.

Actually it was hard, and it made me really full. I still am full from it and it has been an hour.

My pants feel tighter and my stomach feels like a pregnant belly.

How wonderful! Bleh.

My godparents just left and as I gave them a hug they hugged me so tightly back.

I think that they are worried, and that they can just tell that I'm still having a hard time.

I wonder what they felt when they hugged me. Fat? Bones? I can't ask.

My godmother said that maybe someday soon we could go up to watch one of her son's football games and make an appointment to get our nails done. I told her that would be great and she seemed happy.

I really do love talking to her. I just didn't want to today, and she gave me my space which i appreciate. They are always so thoughtful and I am so happy I have them in my life.

I am still continuing to look at the clock and it is getting closer and closer to snack.

I want to cry because I still feel so full. I can't even imagine eating any more.

snfjenfjnqwfjnqbwjfbejbfJEWBFWKE

Tomorrow is the start of a new week. A whole new week of nothing.

Papa is leaving bright and early tomorrow and I am kind of sad.

It was good to have him here. He didn't talk much, and I did my own thing, but he kept Dad and Denise preoccupied and not have their attention on me. I liked that.

I mean they will probably still ignore me anyway because I want my space but still.

I will miss making Papa his roast beef sandwiches and cooking him muffin after muffin.

I really hope he moves up here, but it wouldn't be for about a year.

Other than him leaving I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow instead of Thursday.

At first I was so anxious because I didn't know if I would gain weight in that amount of time, and now that I think about it I am really freaked out that i already gained that much. It hasn't even been a week! AH! There is no way I am doing the planned increase that me and Julie had. NO WAY. I will probably still gain weight anyway. And it will be fine if I have one off week. They are allowed now and then.

Who knows, maybe it is just a weight fluctuation because that has happened before. Maybe it's just water weight, I have been feeling so bloated constantly. Plus I don't think it's possible to gain real weight in 3 days. it will probably even itself out. But part of me wants to be the weight I am now because it's less I have to gain still. But I bet it's not true. And if it is, well then I'll have to deal with it.

I am hoping that my weight doesn't change drastically over night and that my appointment will be fine.

I am actually seeing her tomorrow and I'm always anxious when I do.

Hopefully she won't be as annoying as last time.

I think I'm going to ask her if she thinks it would be okay for me to start buying clothes.

That will give me an idea of how far I have to go as far as weight. I mean I kind of know already but I want to hear it from her. It will make me feel better. Well, if it's what I want to hear of course.

I am going alone to my appointment just like I have been and I am happy I decided to.

I feel like I have less pressure. I feel so independent. But I don't know if I feel better because it's just me and ED. I'm not sure really. I just like being alone in general, always have.

But I'm hoping it goes alright. I am feeling okay about it. Like I said, I did all I could and I really did do what I was supposed to, so it shouldn't be an issue I don't think.

Tomorrow is a low cal day which makes me feel a little better, but i hate how since my appointment is tomorrow it messes up my schedule for the rest of the week as far as meals. I hate when things get out of order. It annoys me and Mrs. Perfectionist hates it.

But the good thing about having my appointment tomorrow is that I won't be seeing her for a week and a half after that! I mean it will just be a weigh in but still. It could be a good or bad thing for me. But that means more time to not have an increase. Not like I'll do it anyway. I'm too fat and eating too much right now and I can't eat more. No way.

Other than my app I have nothing else. Planning meals and snacks for the week and that's about it. Like I said it will be so weird without Papa. Less activity, and I kind of liked switching things up a little. Now back to boring normal life. Full of nothing.

I'm not really feeling good right about now and it's basically time for snack so I'm just going to go and wait anxiously for the clock to hit 9:00. I am still so full and uncomfortable but hopefully it will go away in a little bit. If not, all i have to say is FUCK. I am so exhausted so I will sleep good tonight.

I wish i wouldn't even wake up. I am sick of this shit. Sick of everything.

FATFATFATFATFATFATFAT.