Long time no talk

Hello all, I haven't been on here in forever.

It has been pretty crazy around here to say the least.

I'm not going to go day by day and update like I usually do because that will just take forever.

I'll throw in the things worth writing about, and throw in my usual ED talk.

Soooooooo

I'm not feeling too hot right now. Just for the simple fact that I feel like an oompa loompa.

I look like one too.

I am sick sick sick of feeling this way. WHEN WILL IT EVER GO AWAY?

Blah. Soon soon soon. Well, getting to my weight at least.

I think I only have about 3/4 more weeks!

It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm scared to get there, because everyone will think I'm cured, but I don't think I will look TERRIBLY different. Or at least that's what my doctor says.

I will definitely see the changes, but who knows if they are actually real or not.

ED has just been really loud ever since I came back from my appointment.

I see such a fat girl now; more than I did before I came home from my appointment.

Now I don't know what to believe, but I bet you know which one ED is telling me to believe.

Hmph. I can never win it seems like. Well, that's a lie. I have some battles that I win and kick ED's ass.

Hopefully I will start winning more, but I am on my way.

ED hasn't been too too too terrible the last week or so. There have been moments, but it could've been worse. A lot worse. Actually, looking back on it, I didn't do THAT well. I mean I did "okay."

I tried the best that I could, and that's all I can do, right?

I found that I was distracted this week a lot and that kind of helped, but there were times when I was so bored that I didn't even know what to do with myself.

Oh ED; he is trying so hard right now. Just waiting for me to fall back into his grasp, but I won't completely. I can't. There is no point in falling back. That just means I have to go through this hell again. Gaining, losing, treatment, being monitored, being depressed, being suicidal, over exercising, restricting, you get it.

I mean, I am definitely not perfect right now, but I am trying. Just so I can have my freedom.

Hopefully it gets me somewhere. I know I am traveling the road more and more each day, but I don't even know if there will be an end to it. It could go on forever for all I know.

Okay, so some things that happened this past week.

Well, Dad didn't want me to say anything but I was home alone from Thursday to Sunday because they went up to the mountains for a little getaway. They invited me to go, but I wanted nothing to do with it. I hate when my schedule gets thrown off and everything. I would have to bring all of my food, and that just stresses me out, and then I feel like I am being watched more, and ya. I don't like it.

I have to say I was excited to have the house to myself, and it was pretty nice.

Not having to worry about anyone watching me, talking to me, asking me questions, annoying me.

I liked it. I can't wait until I have my own place. I love being alone.

I don't think it's a very good thing, and it is probably for the wrong reasons, but whatever.

Lets see, Thursday I had a weigh in and I lost weight.

I was so surprised because obviously I weigh myself on my own, and it said I had gained.

I was so confused/shocked that I didn't know what to do with myself.

y nutritionist said I was back down to the weight that I was 2 weeks ago when I saw her.

I don't know how that is even possible. I followed my MP increase too. Weird.

When she called down to get my weight I saw her write the number down from a distance.

I became petrified. It was 1lb higher than I expected. I mean maybe I am thinking that I saw the wrong number, but I swear I could tell. It makes no sense.

Then I got all worried that the weight they want me at is actually higher than I thought and I got so anxious and worried about it and blaaaaaaaaaah.

She believed me that I did my increase, but just suspected that it wasn't enough.

She made another increase that was 20 more calories than usual.

I was petrified. I couldn't focus on her. I was figuring out what things I could have for my increase that would be the least amount of calories. I started to tear up, but tried to hold it back so she didn't ask me.

I left, got in my car, and balled. I balled hysterically. People must have thought I was a psycho.

I was screaming and talking to myself. The thought of having a higher increase scared me to death.

I came home, slammed everything around, was pissed, cried when I was having my lunch.

I'm surprised I even had it. Trine:1 ED: 0.

I tried to calm myself down afterwards and told my self I was being ridiculous and that I NEEDED to gain weight the next week. I needed to gain it at some point, and I should have expected to get another increase. And I guess the bigger it is, the faster I will have to stop eating so fucking much.

Long story short, I got over it, tried to follow it, had my ups and downs but tried my best. At least I added something versus nothing.

That night I went over to Kate's and she gave me my birthday present which was headbands because I am obsessed, and MONEY FOR MY TATTOO!!!! Ah I was so surprised. I had no idea.

I stayed over there for awhile and she chatted for a long time. Just me and her.

I have to say that it was really nice. I can't even believe how much she gets this and understands me.

It amazes me. I feel like she pays attention to so much and really cares. It makes it ten times easier to be around her and her family. We talked about EVERYTHING We talked about my fears and why I have them and why i think the way I do, to my goals and hopes for the future and the progress I have made.

It was so nice. We never talk like that. I feel like we have become so mature over the years and I like it. And one thing that has come out of this disease is that it has brought us closer and I am thankful for that.

I am so happy that I have someone like her in my life, and i know for a fact I always will.

Hi Kate!

Oh ya, forgot to mention I weighed myself after my appointment, and it said my weight was up from last week so yet again I was confused and worried about my weight and if they wrote it down wrong.

I tried to let it go. I am still trying.

The rest of the weekend I didn't have much planned. Grocery shopped, cleaned, went to a jewelry party next door that was so awkward.

Then Sunday came and that meant the hurricane.

I was getting so scared that morning when I heard the wind and saw all of the trees around my house swaying from side to side.

That was when I hated the fact that I was home alone.

The power ended up going out at around 10am which meant no laptop, and my phone ended up dying. So therefore all there was left for me to do was read. I could not focus whatsoever. All I was thinking about was food and a tree falling on my house. Great thoughts right?

Dad and Denise ended up coming home right as the eye of the storm was hitting.

I was so scared. It eventually died down and we were listening to the radio to hear about the power outage and when we would get back power. Dad said it would be a few hours and I kept praying that it would come back on.

Nope, it didn't come back on that night. I ended up sitting in my house in the dark with a flashlight doing nothing but sitting and talking to Dad and Denise and listening to the radio.

Still nothing about the power.

I finally went up to bed and hoped that the power would go back on over night.

Woke up, still no power. AWESOME. That meant that there was no water either.

EVEN BETTER! Aka no showers, no doing dishes, no flushing the toilet. Gross.

Buuuuut, Monday the day after the hurricane it was BEAUTIFUL. It was so weird. You would never think that there was a hurricane the day before.

I was so bored Monday, and just sat in the sun for awhile, made up my meals and snacks and just did nothing. Still, my phone was dead.

I decided that I really needed to shower so I went over to Kate's and I also wrote down some common questions that you are asked during an interview since mine was Tuesday.

I did all that and then since me and Denise couldn't go to the mall Sunday, we went Monday.

I needed pants for my interview because I had none, and nothing fit me anyway, it was all too big.

I have to admit that I was so anxious about it that I went ahead of time during the weekend to see what size I was just to prepare. I was devastated with what I saw.

I cried and cried and cried, but kept it to myself. I tried to just come to terms with it, but I still haven't. Fuck numbers and sizes. I hate them.

In the meantime I also weighed myself and freaked out because the scale I usually use was gone. I used another one and it said that my weight was down ALOT from the day before. There was no way that that was right. Now I have no idea what my weight is. But I have an idea I think.

Anyway, I met Denise at the mall and I already knew where the pants were and I grabbed the sizes and headed to the dressing room.

I was so anxious. SO ANXIOUS. I didn't want to try them on. I didn't want to be the size I had to be,

too big too big too big. But I tried them on, and was about to cry.

Denise said they looked good, but she was probably lying. I looked so fucking fat.

I am so fucking fat. Ugh. I had 2 pairs and it was so frustrating because I fit in one size and then with the other pair I was a size smaller. They both didn't fit to me like a glove and that's alright.

I ended up getting the skinny jeans or i guess you could say cakis (spelling?) But she said they weren't appropriate for an interview so we were going to look somewhere else.

We put them on hold and headed off to Forever 21. I saw that they had some the other day, but Denise spotted some that I thought were cute and they were definitely interview material.

I tried them on and took the sizes that I thought I might be.

I tried on the smallest ones and they fit okay, and I tried on the bigger ones and they were huge.

ED was so happy. I was so happy. I know what the number equates to too because they make sizes based on two number sizes versus one.

Denise said they looked adorable, but all I could see were massive thighs. My thigh gap was still there, but the pants weren't that tight so it wasn't as visible.

I want it to be visible. It's all I have. That and my collar bones.

But they grew on me, and I tried to trust Denise because my vision is probably distorted.

We got those for my interview, and then the other ones for me to wear if I get the job.

We went to Victoria Secret because I needed to get a real bra. I have been wearing sports bras for the past 3 years because I hate boobs. They are all fat. I feel so weird having them and I don't like it at all.

I had no idea what size I was, and I got confused so a lady ended up sizing me and I was SO surprised with how small I really am. I am a fucking A!!!! I used to be a C!!! They feel so much bigger than that! It's probably because I was so used to having nothing, that when I even have a little it feels like a lot. I am bittersweet about getting a bra because people who are confident wear bras, and people that want to show them off. I want to hide them, but I have to get one at some point, and I guess this was it.

I guess over all it could have been worse, and it was good that I actually found something that I could actually wear, but I still didn't like the thought of me wearing normal clothes. It's just not right for me. It's so weird! But we got home and the power was still out. We ended up staying at Denise's moms house because she has 2 houses. At least we had electricity there. It was so weird though, but it was better than home.

Tuesday we came home and STILL had no power. I was so bored during the day because I still couldn't use my laptop at home. Fuck my life. I don't even remember what I did. I think all I did was go grocery shopping. Fun fun.

I came home and Dad said we would be staying at Loretta's again. I hate lugging all of my food over there and being in a different place. It sucked because obviously our refrigerator didn't work so a lot of our food was going bad. ED was happy because it was an excuse for me to restrict. I was so stressed out that I couldn't help but listen to him. I mean I was still having my increase, but cutting things out here and there along the way. Eh, I know it's not good. But I knew I could use this whole hurricane thing as an excuse, yes I know, not good either.

Tuesday night me and Denise came home to feed the cats and she left her headlights on so we could see going into the house. We came out, she tried to start her car, and it was dead. The neighbor had to come over and jump her car. It was terrible. Oh and on the way home we drove past the spot where the problem was with the electricity and there were finally people working on it! We asked when the power would be back on and to our surprise they said an hour! AAAAHHH FINALLY! But we ended up staying at Loretta's for the night just because it was already late. But I was happy we would finally have power. Hot showers, doing the dishes, sleeping in my own bed, using my laptop. YESSSS!

We came home Wednesday after 3 trips back and froth from my house to Loretta's because we brought all of our food from our fridge and freezer over there so we could save some of it. I was so annoyed because I was late for snack, but I tried to be patient, and in the end I am still alive. i just pushed everything back a little. The rest of Wednesday I was on my laptop most of the day and then I went to Trader Joe's, Market Basket, and the store to weigh myself. My weight was up from the previous day even though I know that wasn't my weight, but it was still up but it was a good sign.

I also went over to Kate's because she needed her shirt back that I wore to my interview and she was leaving for school today! I talked about my interview and how it went and how I need her to go shopping with me to get clothes and she said I should come up to see her in Boston, and ya. It was good to talk again.

That reminds me, I forgot to tell you about my interview!

It was Tuesday morning after my psych appointment which was pointless.

I was studying my questions over and over and over. I was sweating and was so anxious.

I put on my fake it till you make it attitude and just tried to suck it up.

I went in 10 minutes early, and asked for the manager, and she told me to sit at one of the tables because her girl was on break and she needed to cover for her. She was really nice and that made me feel a little more confident about the interview. But she ended up making me wait for 30 minutes! Imagine how nervous I was. AH. People kept looking at me weird because I was practicing with myself ha She eventually came over and actually didn't ask me ANY of the questions that I studied. Figures. But I did know the ones she asked, and I tried my best. She ended up doing most of the talking just telling me about the store. She was really cool and i really think I have a good shot. I really hope I get it. She said not to freak out if I didn't hear form her by Monday. I am so anxious, I really hope that I do!

Today I had my appointment and I was really nervous just for the simple fact that I had no idea what my weight was. I mean, I followed my meal plan, kinda. Eh. But I had the excuse of the hurricane and being triggered by clothes shopping so I had it all planned out.

She came in the room and sounded so happy. She said to update her and I told her everything and she was really happy. She said I had a bad week last week, but apparently this one was better.

She was really proud of me for doing everything I did this week, and i guess I am too. It's a big big step for me. And let me just say I AM NOT NORMAL AND I AM NOT CURED. Just thought I would remind you! Julie my nutritionist ended up leaving that hospital and she is actually going to work at the one Denise's works at which is closer to me. It's kind of inconvenient because she won't be working directly with Dr. Gupta anymore but she said hopefully they can still keep in touch. But we made an increase for this week already, and I have followed it so far. The number of calories is so high, but I am so close to having it be decreased. Just a few more weeks. AAAAAAH.

Other than that I didn't do much today. Counted a lot of calories, felt really fat when I got home. Couldn't help but exercise because I looked HUGE. Eh.

I think I am going to go for a walk. Alone. We'll see what Denise says to that. Hm.

Then I have snack and I need to write a thank you follow up letter for the manager who interviewed me because that will really make me stand out, and I will hand deliver it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my normal cleaning and grocery shopping day.

Dad and Denise are going somewhere tomorrow night so I'll be alone.

SCORE!

Well, ya that was my update. Alot I know.

Goodnight loves! xx